Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

[TinselAngel]

Less than two years have passed since the first TWEC thread and now its time for a third.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

Regulars- do post here to get the thread going.

Lurkers- now would be a great time to de-lurk.

I've had quite a bit of therapy from a psychologist who herself many years ago suffered narcissistic abuse and that's now her area of expertise - she said it took her 9 years after that relationship to be ready and trust herself enough to choose a new partner. So it's early days for many of us I guess.

Tinsel you're trailblazer, doing the subsequent relationship first and reporting back your findings. We appreciate it!

The purpose of my life is to serve as a warning to others.

How noble Tinsel . I'm glad to hear it's normal to need a very long time. I'd love people in this position to find someone able to love them, focus on them, care for them, after these devastating experiences of being with people who cared for and loved only themselves. (Oh God I'm a closet romantic).If anyone's made it further and found that, do share.

The trans widows go dating can be a future spin off thread?

Yes it could be interesting!

We could have a Channel 4 documentary and a hilarious newspaper column.

Would you consider pitching a Transwidows documentary to Stella O'Malley. It would be a good companion piece to Trans Kids.

www.stellaomalley.com/trans-kids-time-to-talk

Hi everyone,

I just found this group and could really use support.

My husband came out as trans 3 years ago. I used to consider myself very "woke" to these issues, but the more I researched, the more unwoke I felt.

My husband was very secretive. I had to drag what was happening out of him. He came to this realization in the span of two weeks. I thought that a therapist or doctor would help him out of this. He has a history of self harm and irrational behavior. However they drove him on starting from day one.

I laid down boundaries and said if he wanted to transition fine, but we would be over. I begged him to at least be open with me. He "decided" to not.

In reality, he made a secret Facebook profile (that I was blocked from). I found out by accident. I don't feel like I am welcome in "his" office because he hides stuff there. He won't let me use his phone. He has a bank account he keeps secret.

I don't like the person it's made me. I've had to snoop to find out anything. I'm constantly on edge about what's coming next.

I try to tell him I need him to be more open if he wants to work on things like he claims. He says to do that he needs to be open socially about being trans. I was suspicious that he'd tried hrt and hinted that. He got flustered and went to his office. Then he starts messaging me that he's thinking of hurting himself. I think he has been taking hrt behind my back.

I don't know how to handle this. We have 3 young kids, 2 of whom are on the aspergers spectrum. Him just coming out as trans to them is going to confuse the hell out of them, possibly even get them on the dysphoria bandwagon.

He makes 6 figures at a conservative company. He's got a good chance being let go if he comes out. If we separate, I have been a stay at home mom for 9 years. My degree might get me 25k a year. I'm screwed. I no family or safety net. Three kids total. I'm so screwed.

Hi Lily, welcome. Your situation sounds really hard. It does sound as if he is 'doing it' regardless, but doesn't want to lose you or his job, so not openly. I guess you don't need to do much more snooping to be pretty sure your hunches are right. And prodding/asking him for more information just ups the self-harm threats.
He seems to have a separate identity with a separate life, funded by the secret bank account and phone.
He wants to stay with you, but do this too, separately.
Most women would find that intolerable in the longer term.
Maybe you have to accept that this is the reality of the situation; you don't need any more evidence.
So what do you want to do? It's a really intolerable situation; I do feel for you and I think many of us will. If you accept all of the above, and the likelihood that he is going to progress this as far as he possibly can without 'doing it' at home (so that you stay), is it simply money/kids/house that would keep you there? Or anything else (including any residual hope that you two can work this out? Or staying because you fear he'll harm himself?).
It might help to really clarify your position for yourself so that you know exactly where you stand. Have you thought about going to the GP and asking for counselling, or referring yourself directly for free NHS counselling, as everyone can do wherever they live? Sounds like you might benefit from somewhere private to talk openly about what you want to do.
It's horrendous, and he is holding you hostage. But it doesn't have to be like this for ever and it might help to do some private planning re. what you want to do.
Whatever, we're here for you, say whatever you need to say. You're not on your own. It's the loneliest, most bewildering, devastating thing, but we're here. Thinking of you

Oh, and I forgot to add, whatever you are thinking, please start siphoning off some funds for the future; cashback, cheques into a new secret account. It might make you feel better to have a bit of a fund for yourself and your children; after all he is also spending your family funds secretly.

I am thinking some very uncharitable things about him on your behalf, Lily. Telling you he'll only make an attempt to salvage your relationship if you agree to abandon the one hard boundary you've been able to assert? So when it inevitably all goes tits up he can say it's your fault for having boundaries? What a manipulative piece of shit he is!

I'm sorry I don't have anything more practically useful to add (I've run out of brain today, all I have left is expletives and spluttering), but welcome.

Hi Lily
Your story is so very familiar, the secrecy, the crossing of boundaries, the escalation etc. etc.

In particular, the fobbing off whilst finding new ways to secretly increase the behaviour.

One day I’ll write some kind of self-help book about this I think as all of our stories are so similar.

I remember that awful stage when the trust was totally gone and I was suspicious about everything. Your anxiety is understandably through the roof. This is not normal in a loving relationship. Not knowing whether or not your partner is taking hormones is not the sort of situation that can be sustained.

Be clear though, he is gaslighting and emotionally blackmailing you. His threats to harm himself if you push him to be honest about hormones is controlling and abusive behaviour. I wonder if he is controlling in other ways?

“Read Lundy Bancroft and do the Freedom Programme online” is advice that is repeated so often on Mumsnet it’s become almost a cliché, but it is good advice in your case as it will help you to be able to recognise his abusive behaviour. Above all you need to prioritise looking after your health because this kind of anxiety is corrosive. What helps you to relax? Make sure you do it. (Not buckets of booze though ideally!)

From your last two paragraphs it sounds like you are panicking.
I’m not autism expert, but dysphoria is generally not infectious. I think most of our kids roll their eyes at it rather than jump on the bandwagon.

I assume you are in the UK? If so the Equality Act protects him from being fired for undergoing gender transition. Employers are usually very careful about this sort of thing.

If you separate he will have to financially support you and the children. Thank goodness you’re married. It puts you in a much stronger position. Part time work and tax credits can be combined these days to make a reasonable standard of living. The government haven’t managed to dismantle that yet. You needn’t panic about money. It’s possible to live on £25000 a year.

You have plenty of options and you will be OK.

I'm in the US, actually. I don't know if this is the right place for me to be, but support resources for people like me are so scarce. And yes, definitely panicking. He hasn't gotten out of bed all day.

It wouldn't hurt for you to get some legal advice if possible. Fear of the unknown is generally worse than the reality.

There's other people on the thread who are also in the USA, I think. In particular @shannonthrace

Lily you're absolutely welcome here. The emotional and family impact of this behaviour are repeated over and over again wherever women are and the way you are feeling is understood by us. In terms of US-specific information, the Straight Spouse Network seemed helpful when I was first Googling. They certainly have info on a wide range of things including legal. See their FAQs. (And I may be wrong but I don't think they're religious). They seem to offer support to people who stay or go. Legsl, financial and state support information would be a good place to start sndight allay some of your fears. Have you talked to your family doctor? Try not to panic as there will be a way through.

Sorry 'and might allay'

Hi Lily and welcome. He will lie and lie and lie and lie and threaten to harm himself if you challenge anything he wants. Set up a bank account for yourself and start a survival fund because as he transitions he will spend everything he can on his stunning and brave new lifestyle. Get legal advice and make sure none of your joint finances are single signature to stop him remortgaging or taking out loans. The kids will be ok if you are strong about boundaries. My honest advice is to run for the hills ASAP having wasted 4 years of my life being lied to and gaslighted!

Hope you're feeling a bit less panicky today, Lily.

If you haven't already been prompted to investigate this option, I'd recommend a bit of googling into how to effectively get your body's physiological arousal levels reduced by regulating your breathing - it sounds a bit bonkers reminding people to breathe when they're panicking, but when your brain's stuck in short-term survival mode it really screws up your ability to think clearly about long-term options, so getting that physiological distress down to a tolerable level is a strong contender for having top priority.

Obviously if you were English I'd be suggesting a nice cup of tea as an alternative physical-panic-reduction option. What equivalents have you already got established in your arsenal?

Powerful and authoritative definition of autogynaephilia by Alice Dreger - it may help those dealing with an AGP husband.

Alice Domurat Dreger is a historian, bioethicist, author, and former professor of clinical medical humanities and bioethics at the Feinberg School of Medicine, Northwestern University in Chicago, Illinois.

I think women on this thread will find this both useful and horribly familiar:

threadreaderapp.com/thread/1171239053867569152.html

That link doesn't make it clear, it's about AGP.

I should have thought this post through better- also it's particularly pertinent for anybody wondering if their AGP husband will stop doing it.

I was just about to share that one, Tinsel.

You know when you're reading something and it's just a progressive full-body horror-lurch of "oh shit, this is a scarily accurate depiction of what I'm seeing and I never noticed it because I never thought to analyse it through this lens."

This population has a high incidence of substance use and dissociative hobbies, such as those which involve role-playing, video games, cosplaying. They engage in these compulsively and rely on them for support the same way they rely on “gender euphoria.”

Ex is all about the low-key constant dissociating habits. (In fairness so am I.) But his current circumstances aren't providing any real barrier to his non-agp dissociations-of-choice - so there's no major pressure on his brain to find a way to rationalise a polarity shift from "it's a fetish" to "brave and stunning".

So I feel my ability to understand and predict what's coming is significantly better than it was half an hour ago. Excellent. Seconding Tinsel's recommendation; everyone read it!

(I'm also now even more sure that if this iteration of the ideology had been around in my youth, I would have latched onto it hard - I have loads of trauma issues, I've been screwing up my long-term chances via the short-term compulsion to dissociate for basically forever.)

Wish that's an amazing article. It so accurately describes my ex's complete abandonment of his former life and fragile escapism. He doesn't regard himself as trans but as an actual woman. Unlike nearly everyone around him.

Sorry, I typed 'woah' not 'wish'