Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

[TinselAngel]

Less than two years have passed since the first TWEC thread and now its time for a third.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

Regulars- do post here to get the thread going.

Lurkers- now would be a great time to de-lurk.

Tyrotoxicity it's hard to read your words and hear how things were for you. But it is encouraging to know you are seeing you do have choices and you are worth more. I'm not a trans widow but am de-lurking to give you a round of applause for your wisdom and for working out what will help you in moving forward.

I feel like we should be doing sisterly fist-bumps of solidarity around about now.

Choices, though... I have so many thoughts about the concept of choice, and how it screws us all over. So much of my life has been shaped by moments in which the world says I made a choice - but the way my mind's been shaped by trauma and female socialisation and the patriarchal context means there was effectively no real choice at all. Yet I clung to the notion that I had the capacity to make rational, measured, informed decisions in these moments.

Because we have basically the same brains regardless of our sex, so we're just as capable as men of making rational decisions, and we cling to that idea because we know we're not lesser or other or subhuman - and somehow we never quite get around to realising there's a whacking great assumption in there that needs taking apart: men's assumption of their own rationality and objectivity and capacity to make a free choice.

But that's probably for another thread!

the way my mind's been shaped by trauma and female socialisation and the patriarchal context means there was effectively no real choice at all

This is really interesting Tyro, I'm fortunate that I haven't had the same experiences of abuse that you have had.

However I often think back to the moment my ex told me he "used to be a transvestite" after I'd already made all the arrangements to move in with him.

I feel a bit better about it thinking about the role socialisation played in my decision to not change my mind. Plus I loved him of course.

That and the prevailing narrative of the time being it was just a harmless hobby that some men had. (Was this ever true?)

I wish I'd done the same years ago. In fact I wish I'd learnt that one is supposed to choose a partner instead of just saying "oh, okay then" when someone shows an interest. I distinctly remember, the first time I properly met the ex, thinking "okay, don't actually fancy him, but, like, arranged marriages and shit can work and there don't appear to be any other options on the not-dying-alone front, so let's give it a go and see how it works out cos it'd be really fucking rude and ungrateful not to."

This is so fucking true Tyro. I have never really been able to formulate a reason for marrying XH other than 'he wasn't as much of a shit as my previous abuser and I'm not scared if him so it'll probably be okay' and you are absolutely nailing this supposed 'choice' thing. Your words have helped me to a massive breakthrough in the last few days. Thank you so very, very much.

I'm doing the face at "used to be a transvestite" - men's fetishes don't really work that way, do they?

And the fact he didn't tell you this until after you'd already made the arrangements suggests he intuitively understood how to use the sunk costs fallacy to his advantage.

I don't think it was ever a harmless hobby, no. It goes back to what I've said previously (I think on this thread?) about what it's rooted in. You can't have a healthy respect for women and view us as real human persons rather than simply bodies that exist as objects in the world, while simultaneously getting your jollies from dressing up as the pornified stereotype of women as sexual objects. The two positions just aren't compatible.

You're most welcome, Weezol. And thank you for reminding me that my word-vomit has value. Sometimes I wonder if I should be doing all my trauma-processing privately. It's good to have the reminder of why I'm doing it out loud.

I was so fucking naive.

Your posts are really helpful Tyro

We all start off incredibly naive. Don't beat yourself up for it. Rage at the world that purposefully kept you naive for so long, and that even now pushes you to sink back into that naivete.

I think I'm a bit melancholy due to it being nearly a year since the end of my subsequent relationship where I repeated a lot of the same mistakes but in a different context.

If I ever put myself out there again it won't be until I've worked out why I'm like this.

If you fancy a bit of positive reframing: the subsequent relationship was a useful data-gathering exercise. It's allowed you to better recognise the pattern of mistakes, and means you'll be better placed to spot them and avoid them in hitherto-unknown future contexts. And you're not in it any more. Win-win, really.

(Somewhere under all this rage I suspect I may actually be an optimist. It's an unnerving realisation, for such a cynic.)

I'm like a bloody seer now Tyro, I'm so wise. I'm like that bloke in Vikings with no eyes who lives in a tent. (Or is it a hut, I can't remember?).

I'd describe it as a lean-to, but I am an utter pedant.

Is that a TV thing? Haven't watched TV since it blew up a fortnight after the warranty ran out. I suppose there's always netflix et al, but I increasingly just can't be arsed with the medium.

I feel more like Cassandra right now (not on this particular thread, obviously!) Speaking obvious truths, but people just can't or won't listen. I'm probably going to have to go to bed before I get sucked into a flaming row with someone who thinks I'm a paedophile-apologist because they're misunderstanding my point. The internet is definitely both a blessing and a curse.

TV yes. Amazon Prime. Highly recommended. Great female characters.

Hi everyone. I posted on thread 1 or 2 I think, I regularly change my user name on MN as I don't want people to spot who I am. Well, like I said in my previous post on the other thread, he doesn't get the time or space to 'dress. It really frustrates him, as it's a sexual outlet for him. He just wants to wank into 'silky things after wearing it. I tell him to fuck off and do it, but he wants time and space;I say to him, it's your bloody choice then to be frustrated. I don't fancy him at all when he gets into this mode, actually it takes me a while to fancy him after this, and this thing happens on a regular basis. Perhaps that's why I don't have a satisfying sex life.

IME giving them the time and space does not make it better, so you'll have to decide whether this is something you feel you want to put up with for the rest of your life. It's sounding like you already feel that you don't want to, though?

Sounds like he's whingeing because he doesn't get to wank to his own highly specialised specifications. Not a very attractive prospect; I don't blame you for struggling to fancy him afterwards, Phantom.

Is spending bloody ages at it a Thing for them? Ex can spend all day working up to the actual orgasm while dressed up and fantasising. I don't get it at all. You want an orgasm, just get on and have one, it's not bloody difficult!

How much time and space does he need?!

Sounds like he's whingeing because he doesn't get to wank to his own highly specialised specifications.

That made me laugh Toxicity!! I must say our life is a lot better than it used to be, when he hit 50 and it climaxed (pardon the pun)as all this has calmed down a lot. I suppose he needs 'expression' sometime- fair enough, but I don't want to hear about it. He knows he's AGP, not in denial at all. Thank God he doesn't do the online sex talk with strangers anymore; I put my foot down (if he did , his guilt trip would be too great and he knows his life would be insufferable for a while-from me!).

Thank God he doesn't do the online sex talk with strangers anymore;

Are you sure about that? In my experience they don't stop doing stuff, they just become more secretive. eg stopping using the family computer and using their phone instead.

Or they stop for a while then start again when you've taken your eye off the ball and started to trust them again.

The next stage to "wanting more space" is persuading you they need to go away and do it in a hotel room regularly.

Ah, see, I found the answer to that 'need more space' stage.

He can spend all the time he likes dressed up in his own home, because his home and my home are two completely separate buildings a mile apart.

An extreme solution perhaps, but the only viable option if my long-term mental health is a consideration.

Yes, the divorce option worked for me eventually but after I'd been steered torturously through other options first, including

1. Him needing regular weekends away in hotels to "dress"
2. Him "dressing" while working from home when I was at work
3. Him going out en femme in the evening when working away from home
4. Meeting up with online friends for nights out "dressed"
5. Starting to insist on regular weekends away at Sparkle, Pride etc
6. GIC referral
7. "Transition"

I didn't get out until just before stage 7.

I'm doing the face again.

1 - Did you get regular weekends away to chill out and indulge your hobbies too?
2 - Working and wanking aren't supposed to happen at the same time...
3 - Oooh, that's dangerous - speaking from experience, fucking off to another city is a great opportunity to develop the confidence to go out in a new style because you're surrounded by strangers. (This is how I got comfortable wearing strappy tops and displaying my upper arms in public.)
4 - He was doing everything he could to encourage himself to sink into it further, wasn't he?
5 - I'm not even going to comment on what Pride's turned into.
6 - Thank fuck you bailed at this point.

For all the shit you went through, though, know this - it has helped other women to avoid the same. You've managed to turn a horrendous ongoing experience into making a real difference to other women's lives. Have some more .

For all the shit you went through, though, know this - it has helped other women to avoid the same.

That's why I listed the stages. I want women like phantom, who are being told that behaviour has de-escalated to at the very least be sceptical.

I went somewhere this week where we used to go together and then where I went a few times while things were at their worst and I think that's stirred up a lot of stuff. I need to find a new favourite seaside resort as there's too many memories in that one!