Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

[TinselAngel]

Less than two years have passed since the first TWEC thread and now its time for a third.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

Regulars- do post here to get the thread going.

Lurkers- now would be a great time to de-lurk.

I will also say that it’s been interesting reading about all the similarities but my daughter’s experience was different since her boyfriend was 17 and not an adult who transitioned later in life.
Some things worth noting: He was paranoid (recorded people without their knowledge) and secretive. He did not tell her he played D&D once a week and had been for years. Why did he keep this secret?? He also hated authority and resented his mom for any reasonable requests regarding curfews or other things.

@sorenipples my H has fully transitioned and we still share the house and parenting ad are friendly but not a couple.

All I can say is that H has been more pleasant to share space with since the transition. Seems more relaxed and more willing to admit fault. Before coming out and in earlier stages of transition was frankly an abusive twat and we would not be having anything to do with each other if that had carried on. The change in behaviour and admission of fault has enabled us to come to an arrangement to give the DC a stable home while they need it.

However I do not see any need for me to concern myself with whether or not H has been made happy by transitioning. He is an adult and is responsible for his own happiness or lack of. I'm not going to give it any headspace I need to concentrate on myself and my DC.

It does frankly annoy me that in this situation wives are expected to still take responsibility for their OH's happiness. Would a wife whose H had an affair be asked to consider if the OW was necessary for his happiness and give her blessing? And make no mistake, a married man hiding his true nature throughout a marriage then dropping the bomb after years has committed the biggest infidelity there is.

Tell your friend not to waste head space on worrying about her H's "happiness ". That is his responsibility. She needs to put herself and any DC first.

Thanks WifeOfTireas, that's really helpful. The driver behind the question was really whether it would make life easier for the wife and children, because current situation is not sustainable.

What that resonates with me. My ex ALWAYS had an ongoing secret (finding God/looking for a career change but not saying a word/thinking he was a woman). He seemed to need a secret life, and I think it links to his (also) issue with authority. He has major 'daddy' issues, and I think felt he had some right to a secret life I didn't know about, as it felt empowering and uncontrolled (as he would see it) by anyone else. I think he felt the secret was 'his' and nobody could criticize or disrupt it; it led to straying into a fantasy life I think, and culminated in transitioning and living a rather delusional life very separate from his previous one (his own children, friends etc.). I wondered whether having issues with authority and being very proud/vain/defensive/easily offended came from an attempt to feel okay/in control/valid.
Of course I have little time for the psychobabble when an adult parent lets it drive mistreatment of their children, but hey. These themes seem related. Other posters have talked about a defiant 'nobody can control me/tell me what to wear/what to do' element to this which is quite 'teenage' in these middle-aged men. So as the kind of personality traits/disorders I see in these people, it may be that your daughter's boyfriend isn't so different from our middle-aged partners.

Btw I'm so happy to hear that your daughter is doing okay; she is lucky to have you as her Mum.

WifeOfTiresias has already said most of what I was going to say, I'd just add though, if the impetus behind this is "agree to me transitioning and us staying together, we'll all be happier", it's unlikely to pan out that way. The wife needs to do what is best for her.

Thank you for your kind words, Social. It is an interesting study for sure and I do wonder when he will come out of the closet and what that will look like for his life. Will he develop another relationship with a woman and keep the secret this time since it went so badly for him with my daughter? I just wonder how or if this issue will change with the social acceptance that is shoved down our throats these days. It’s kind of funny because my daughter was all on board with acceptance and that’s why it came as such a shock to him when she told him she couldn’t continue. Acceptance for those “out there“ is quite different from actually living with it!
—- I think I’ve said this before but he admitted he has a “God complex,” meaning he is his own god, basically. It really does seem there is a common thread that runs along the seams...

Absolutely right, @TinselAngel.

The only way a couple can stay together in these circumstances is for the wife to deny her own identity and pretend to be attracted to a pretend facsimile of a woman. So the man's need to "be myself " is of overriding importance but the woman's right to her own identity is trampled in the dust.

A very common manipulative statement made by these men to their wives is "you must be a lesbian because you married a woman ". My own H parroted this one in the early days. Soon put him straight. I married a man who was a very skilful liar.

I married a man who was a very skilful liar.

They've been practicing it their whole life.

Wife— and the whole “I’m still the same person inside” rhetoric. It’s such a psychological mess they put women through.

I was wondering if all of these men were against the whole transgender ideology before proudly declaring themselves trans? I’ve heard that happening with gay spouses being very homophobic and then declaring themselves gay. My soon to be ex was very much against it especially in the military. He would say things like “what PT test do they take?” and “the military isn’t somewhere they should be”. Now he’s upset that Trump isn’t allowing transgender people to openly serve. It’s a mind F$&@ for me as I thought I knew him. We always believed in being kind but not going along with the idea you can change gender at will. Even had this conversation with my teen daughter where it got quite heated as she believes it to be true that you can change genders. I think that has been what makes this worse is that he always had a very conservative and Christian view on things to now he’s completely opposite.

As per my family and I, soon to be ex still wants the kids to go to the LGBTQ+ therapist but I’m having a hard time agreeing to that. Everything is very patriarchal in the way he goes about things. He may want to be a woman but acts more masculine in behavior than ever before. Our house also had a leak that now has to be repaired before the house can be sold so it’s all falling on me since I live here. The kids and I are going to have to move out to a hotel for a week while repairs are being done. I’m not sure I’ve breathed properly in 3 years from stress and anxiety. I know this will pass but I’m still struggling with still wanting my husband back. Of course I don’t want him the way he is but I’m grieving the future I thought we’d have. Maybe I’d be in a better place if he wasn’t so demanding on some things, dismissive on others and would actually take responsibility in this!

KitKat, I am so sorry. I know you miss him and just want him back. I’ve tried so hard to understand it but I don’t think I ever truly will. I’ve told my daughters they will need to add it to the list of things to find out from perspective partners: Have you ever felt like you are a woman? It seems like such a ridiculous question yet it’s apparently a necessity. But what can you do when someone is not honest about this aspect of their lives? How do you trust again? It’s affected us greatly in the short time we were involved in it. I can’t even look at guys my girls are interested in without scrutiny.
My dd and her bf were still going strong when he dropped the bombshell. My husband and I both think the probability of marriage down the road was great. He could not fathom how she was not able to accept him as a woman and learn to embrace all the inevitable changes to come.

Kit, you're grieving, it's entirely natural. I think we all go through it.

Somebody said: grief is love with nowhere to go. The love you had for the man you married can't just disappear. Particularly when you can still see the traces of him in this new person.

If it's any comfort they act like such massive twats post break up, that helps the grief to wear off x

Tinsel, so well said!!! Including the last sentence.. very true!

I still miss my husband. But I do not miss the ass that he became.

Someone (might have been on this forum) said that these men who are trying to become women are doing so via exerting their male privilege. So true.

@somethingawful - you are entitled to feel the way you do. You definitely need to find some counseling and talk it out. No one should tell you how to feel, and while "demonising" is quite an emotive word, it will take time for you to understand where you ultimately stand in the trans debate.

eg: I had an AGP ex. He was abusive. I became fearful of all trans people and thought perhaps I was a bigot. With time, talking to friends, it turns out I wasn't a bigot. I have trans friends (MTF and FTM) and the amazing thing is, they aren't AGPs. They're just people who identify as female and male. Their personality and behaviour are the same before, during and after transition.

You will eventually sort yourself out, don't be concerned about what others thing, a good response to your friends that I used with my friends who did judge me when I left my ex "assholes can be found in any gender".

WifeOfTiresias

"you must be a lesbian because you married a woman"

Ultimate gaslighters. I imagine so many women find themselves starting to believe them regardless of context, like my beautiful intelligent and achieving DN started to believe her (now) ex who told her 'nobody else will ever want you, you're stupid and thick so you can't leave'.

Would 'no, I'm a victim because I married a skillful manipulative liar who hid his true self until it was too late' be a useful response?

WifeOfTiresias excellent points about adults being responsible for their own happiness.

Can I say (as non-widowand a non-trans widow) that if a partner transitions there is just no need to stay if you don't want to.

Just like ANY other time, you only stay if you want to.

Nowadays no one is falling over themselves to tell married people they should stay together! Except maybe for religious reasons but even then, now, people know that no one has to stay married.

If I said, I am staying in an unhappy marriage even for the sake of my kids, I think friends would question it (as do I if friends say that). And I am what people call 'religious'!

I just think those of you battling this situation are expected to do things no one else is expected to do! And it's good to remember that.

If I said my husband and I wanted different things then I think most of my friends, even my religious friends, would understand.

Yes, it did feel like there was this expectation that I would stay and be the wife supporting her "brave and stunning" husband through the process of transition. And I did for a while, going to transgender support groups with my spouse and joint counseling "with a transgender focus." I am glad I realized fairly quickly what one-sided asinine bullshit that was.

QuinnMovesOn well done for moving on.

Quinn, I'd be really interested to hear more about the "support" groups. What were they like?

Tinsel, it was all about supporting the trans person in your life no matter what. I was in the "friends and family" support breakout group. I remember one dad of a teen girl who wanted to start hormones and how he was in tears, saying repeatedly "I'm not okay with this", and the facilitator basically telling him to get over himself. It was a very toxic environment.

The other main thing I remember was in the initial large group when everyone was introducing themselves, there was maybe one trans person in the room who didn't come across as someone who had additional major mental or emotional health issues. A lot of people who appeared to be on the autism spectrum. Maybe there's something to this, my ex now claims to have had ADHD his whole life.

As for me... I got some kudos for being there to support my spouse ("That's beautiful") but no actual support for me, just for him. That's part of when I started to realize how narcissistic this whole thing really is.

I thought that would be the case, Quinn.

Is it just me who finds this clip about having a "trans wife" oddly disturbing?

m.facebook.com/bbcsesh/videos/2484003311865675/

Darn! I really wish I'd stayed for all the make-up and clothes fun! That would make it all worthwhile! After all, that's entirely what it means to be a woman. It's both banal and creepy. It fascinates me how they both refer to their inner and outer selves, being your true self, the wife finding her inner self, yet they are 100% focussed on the superficial, stereotyped, outer stuff. Much as we have found our exs to be. It really is ALL about the clothes and make-up. (Bizarrely the 'wife' looks terribly like Chris Lilley doing 'Jai'me'. I seriously thought it was him.).