Trans Widows Escape Committee 3: Rise of the Trans Widows

[TinselAngel]

Less than two years have passed since the first TWEC thread and now its time for a third.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

Regulars- do post here to get the thread going.

Lurkers- now would be a great time to de-lurk.

Two things.
It emerged later that he had spent years secretly researching and posing as a woman online. I think he was completely delusional, believing himself to be a woman. He didn't regard himself as trans. He was a woman! He had no interest in or concern for anyone else. The bubble. Your not giving a shit.
Secondly he had bided his time until trans exploded (Jenner), when it would be best for him (sod the ages of the kids etc) so told himself and me that the kids wouldn't have a problem with it. Because you shouldn't! So you won't! He had no worry, curiosity or sense of responsibility for his kids' feelings or wellbeing. So putting your daughter to sleep in a room full of 'sexy' clothing, or with a dressing table packed with make-up.... it shouldn't be an issue! So it isn't!
Hence you don't need to explain, prepare, talk, explore how they feel, or do any of the things any good parent knows you need to do to help kids deal with shock, change, loss, or situations that are difficult. Your dad 'being a woman' isn't any of those things! It's no big deal! It's only a problem if your Mum doesn't accept it!
Really extraordinary.
He didn't say one word to his kids at any time, about his transition or their feelings.
Even more jaw-dropping given his professional background.
Hence I and many of our friends regard him as a useless, unfit parent. My compassion has been reserved entirely for my kids as they deal with the terrible aftermath.
A trans activists on Twitter called the notion of transwidows 'toxic melodrama'... That actually describes what my kids' father put them through in pursuit of 'finding himself'.
I mean, really?

He sounds an appallingly useless father. I'm glad you have friends who see it and agree.

It shouldn't be an issue, so it isn't, so shut up and allow your feelings to be dictated to you - this is shit parenting regardless of trans issues. My dad always did it to me; it's incredibly damaging.

'Toxic melodrama' is a bloody good description of the shit DBro went through with his ex too. It seems to be an inevitable descriptor when a parent transitions.

Hi all,
I haven't got much to say.
I treid talking with spouse again, I know some people here have said I shouldn't but I have no one to talk to all day long. It's like banging my head on a brick wall. He seems like he is being reasonable about it up to a point then gets to this thing where he refuses to admit there is any difference between transwomen and actual women at all, and no reason women ought to have their own spaces, ever, at all, under any circumstances, not from self IDed "transwomen", or legally transitioned transgender women, or srs transsexual women. He refuses to admit there could be any difference in life experience between a man who lived as a man until 30 and then transitioned and a woman. "But not all women's experiences are the same, some black women would disagree with you about that if you were to insist on that!" Just this same old tired argument again. I am erased, I don't exist. "No difference" why who could tell? Except literally everyone.

Anyway I've just taken refuge back in my eating disorder since I"m surrounded by brave and stunning transwomen who all of our friends accept as full women, and I'm the asshole who keeps using male pronouns for the son I gave birth to, who sulks all day long and stays locked in his room playing video games in between his college classes just like every other sulky spoiled young man. They buy pretty clothes for themselves and fix themselves up, I clean the house and drink coffee all day to fill my aching, empty stomach. They throw their things on the floor and their dishes in the sink and I wash them and pick up after them, cook their meals and put the leftovers in the fridge and don't eat them. Who cares anyway, I'm the monster in the house. They'll all cheer when I'm dead.

I'm so sorry to hear how bad you're feeling. You're very isolated in this; in fact there are so many people who would not call you the monster in your house, and would regard your situation as intolerable, not your fault, and completely unfair on you. You just don't have them around you. But this can't and won't be your life for ever. I hope you can consider really good self-care for starters. You have given these two men so much of your time and energy. Do you think at some point you will say 'Enough'? Even if not now, trying to work out your needs and wants is a good starting-point. I hope you can hang on to some hope there. Life sounds so hard.

Oh Older, I think I said in my last reply to you that I'm worried this whole shit storm will kill you.

If you think (probably subconsciously) that punishing yourself or becoming a martyr will make them feel sorry for you or make them desist, it isn't going to work, I'm sorry.

Please, please go and see your family Doctor ASAP. You need some help. Nobody could endure this on their own.

There is life on the other side of this, I promise, but it will involve making some changes x

Sweetheart, everything you've written is a litany of isolation - your son in his room, your husband in his fantasy, you in your role of chief drudge.

Am I right they're both on the autism spectrum? Apologies if I've misread. But whatever their situations, it's unlikely they can, want to, or will change.

So maybe time to remember the saying 'grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can - and the wisdom to know the difference.'

The element you can change is you.

Is there anywhere you can go? To get away? Friends, relatives, a refuge, or a nice B&B for a few days?

And is there anyone professional you can talk to? Your doctor, a therapist?

Do you have a network, a women's group you trust and can meet face to face?

It's incredibly hard. But your physical and emotional health deserve change.

Agree. Is a break possible? It is possible to meet and tell one friend what's going on? To phone a helpline? To find a counsellor? To make sure you do one thing every day for yourself?
Small steps, but vital.
Good luck, friend.

Hoping you're OK Older

I am here. Currently he is on the "transwomen hopefully getting donated uteri implanted someday so they can have babies" nonsense.

RE: the "women are different everywhere", he uses that against us, as they all do, to say he just has a "different sort of girlhood" than we did. There's no winning with these people.

My alone time is when he's at work. Often he chooses to work from home and I basically lose my mind on those days.

I have no family or friends with any money at all and I'm not going to be homeless again.

Class analysis is what they're missing. It's not just biology that we share; it's the way we're treated because of it too.

Oldermum there's got to be some alternative between being homeless and your current hellish predicament, surely? If you go on as you are things will only get worse.

Frances I'm picturing your brother complaining that no one will vanish him to the menstruation hut. It's not a flattering image.

Agreed Tyro. Women share firstly biology and secondly our experience of growing up and living as a female under patriarchy.

Older, it's very sad that you seem almost resigned to your fate.

Delurking to reply to Oldermum. I read They throw their things on the floor and their dishes in the sink and I wash them and pick up after them, cook their meals and put the leftovers in the fridge...

And I wondered WTF you are doing all that.

Then I got an insight. Your son is only 23. Was there a time when he was a kid when he needed so much emotional and practical support that you learned to accept life as a relentless slog? That you had no choice but to put your head down and trudge uphill in heavy mud?

If so, it's time to raise your head and look around at the changed landscape. Your son is an adult. You don't have to do all this. In fact you really shouldn't. What did their last servant die of?

I may be way off beam, but this happened to me - continuing to mother an adult child out of well-meaning habit - which did neither of us any good.

Whatever you are able to do or not do right now Older, we're rooting for you. Hope you can do one good thing for yourself this week.

Hi. I am glad I found this site because there is not a lot out there for dissenters. My daughter (17) had her heart broken this summer when her bf told her he is a woman inside. He is 18. They were together for a year. I feel like we really dodged a bullet here, but the damage was done nonetheless. He just could not understand how she was not on board with the news. He told her nothing was changing. He was the same person she has known. All of the stuff I read here. She felt deceived and could not get past that so she broke it off. I started to learn everything I could about trans issues. I think he might be an AGP, but I am confused and was hoping someone can shed some light. He is not masculine. In fact, people thought he was gay and were surprised when he became my daughter's boyfriend. He does not seem to fit the physical profile of AGP, yet there are things my dd shared with me that have led me to believe he is indeed that. Yesterday she saw a social media post on a friend's account and he was wearing leggings. It felt like a second betrayal to her because he told her he still planned to present as a male. He is also not "out of the closet" so she has not told anyone but I am pretty sure it is going to be clear soon. Thanks, everyone.

There's more than one agp profile, I think. This thread mostly sees the fallout from middle-aged agps; they grew up in a very different world in a couple of key respects: the internet and the accessibility of porn, primarily. It's different for people who grew up online.

Interesting to think about what the agps of my acquaintance were like as young men though. Both musicians, both arrogant as hell, both depressed, both with problematic relationships with parents, both lacking a moral compass, both capable of Madiganesque behaviour. Both believed they were pro-women because they espoused the choosy-choice feminism that served their needs.

Whatcanyoudo how upsetting for your daughter. It is much harder for younger women than most of the women on this thread in the current climate. I am certainly surrounded by sceptical people but it is very hard to break up with someone because they do this without facing accusations of transphobia. She probably feels betrayed and lied-to and may find it sexually quite disturbing. I know I thought the visuals of my ex's dressing and transition repellant and intrusive and worried I would be unable to view men sexually the same in future. Sounds like your daughter could do with counselling so that she can talk frankly about her feelings. Break ups at that age can be devastating however short the relationship let alone with this. Plus social media means she will watch this unfold amidst cheers of admiration which makes not feeling celebratory much worse. She might want to filter and limit what she sees and reads. Way harder in my view. I k.agine she has friends who would also have ended the relationship, but may not feel able to say do in public. It would be good for her to find some people she can be open with. She needs to remember that she has freed herself from someone likely to go through great self-absorption ... Keep her focussed on where she wants her life to go.

Tyro, thank you. This young guy has similar traits: artistic and brilliant yet lazy. Arrogant yet low self-esteem. (He admitted he has a God complex, which is interesting.) Depressed. He has a very unhealthy disdain for authority so has issues with his parents. Low moral compass... yes. He recorded their breakup on his cell phone! My daughter caught him doing it. That was extremely disturbing and I hope he doesn't have plans to use that in the future.

Socialworker222, thank you so much for not dismissing the impact even though it was only a year in her young life. I am concerned the experience has left her with some trust issues, at the least. I was impressed by her maturity in breaking it off when she was still madly in love. I thought he loved her too but the more I ponder on it, I am realizing he was more infatuated with her because he wanted to BE her. The boy she loved is gone. She said his whole personality has changed. He has become unkind. This is someone she talked to all day, every day, for over a year. She went through all the stages of grief except anger. She still feels protective of him and feels she has no right to be angry when he "can't help it." I have also been through all the stages of grief.. I'm on my second round of the anger stage.

Whatcanyoudo1 Depending on where you live it can be illegal to record someone without their knowledge and permission, so your daughter may be able to get the police involved.
She probably wont want to, to avoid stirring things up, but at 17 she is still a minor in most places.

Oh, bless her, Whatcan, give her a hug from me.

"He can't help it" is something you need to tackle, I think. Gently and wisely, of course, but in the long run that sort of thinking will make her come unstuck. But you can get your head around picking it apart and then help her to understand too.

I daresay she's right that he can't help it, in that he's not to blame for the world he was born into or the experiences he's had as a result of the adults around him. Blaming him will lead to defensiveness in her part because she has empathy, which is commendable.

Help her to explore the distinction between blame and responsibility. It's easy to say "He's not responsible for the way he's been raised," but he is sure as shit responsible for his actions, his words, and the pain they cause. It's not his fault he's eg been raised with male entitlement, but he has a responsibility as a human being to be receptive to the charge and prepared to adjust his behaviour accordingly. And if he shirks that responsibility, then she has a responsibility to look after herself by jettisoning him.

If a dog had been so badly abused that it couldn't help but bite, you might feel empathy but your responsibility would be to protect yourself and those around you as humanely as possible, not to take it into your home to absorb all its biting yourself.

I think everyone on this thread can relate to your concern about your daughter's trust issues. Both partners and children of transitioners often feel terribly betrayed, and troubled by wondering how long their partner or parent lived a secret life. At any age we question our judgement about whether we should have 'known', and whether this might happen to us again in some form of trusting someone who turns out not to be as you thought.
As for realizing he wanted to BE her, again, partners at any age have experienced this and find it unsettling, creepy or in some way exploitative.
Finally the personality changes are terribly familiar at whatever age: my ex-husband is now a very selfishand unkind individual, who acts in ways his former incarnation never did.
It may be protective to her not to feel anger; that may happen later or not at all. Not being angry, and feeling sorry for him may be easier than feeling that he treated her badly, which can be bewildering and so hurtful.
As a parent I can completely understand why you would feel protective rage.
These themes are very similar; the good news is that your daughter got out quickly when she found out, she had enough self-esteem to believe that she didn't have to put up with this (probably your good work), she now has some distance, and is hopefully of an age where she will become absorbed by her life and the pain will lessen. But it's a very tough experience at a young age and my heart goes out to you both.

Inebriati, yes! You are right. I haven't looked it up but I'm fairly certain it is illegal here in the states. She did mention that to him and he went right on recording. He says he is not even going to listen to it. There was another situation where he secretly recorded a private meeting at school so I think there's some paranoia involved here. My daughter would never take it to the authorities and that's okay. Hopefully he will just keep it to himself.