The impact of hearing trans widows stories?

[TinselAngel]

I know a lot of FWR contributors don't want to comment on the trans widows' threads here, as they are support threads, so I thought it would be useful to have a separate thread to discuss if hearing trans widow's stories has had an impact on your view of late transitioning males and the support (or otherwise) they should revive from their wives? Or on any other gender issues?

I'd be interested to hear your views, and think it might encourage any lurkers who are in this situation to feel able to post on the current trans widows thread.

This is also inspired by Jessica's thread considering whether what we do is worth it!

My reading of the trans widow thread is that the story isn't usually that the man decides he's trans, discusses this with his wife and explains this means the marriage should end, and then together they end the marriage with a minimum of fuss making sure that the wife and the kids will be disturbed as little as possible and properly provided for.

tobeforgotten

I found your post interesting and have two questions for anyone who cares to answer:
Firstly, if a woman had children and then decided to become a man and leave the family home etc and engage in many of the behaviours articulated in the Transwidow thread - would people react the same ie would she be considered stunning and brave?
Secondly and this always seems to me to be the elephant in the room, if autogynephilia which seems to be the most common cause of late transitioning, is a psychiatric condition (and I know this is debateable but autogynephiles don't usually say they have always been women do they?) why is the only treatment for it seen to be affirmation as a female? Are there no other approaches to this condition?

TinselAngel needs to be put up for an award

This. And I’m probably far from alone in not posting on the Trans Widows threads, but reading and taking in what’s being said. The reality of what women and children have to deal with has had a huge impact on my thinking around these issues and helping the scales fall from my eyes over the last couple of years.

Firstly, if a woman had children and then decided to become a man and leave the family home..

I'd guess this is v. rare. Would I be right?

I know a trans widow. She was married to a man I've known all his life. He told her their dreadful sex life was due to her inhibitions. He blamed her for everything until he suddenly came out as trans.

He moved out, started the process of transition (got surgery eventually) and wouldn't pay CMS. Apparently the money was needed for manicures and such, or so his wife was told.

His family didn't think he was brave and stunning. They just exerted gentle pressure until he finally started paying for the DC and behaving in a responsible way.

I'm told the family worry because since their child has transitioned (being more careful about pronouns now this person has definitely transitioned) they have not heard even a whisper of a relationship. Their child lives a very sad, isolated life. They'll never pass, due to having the silhouette of an Oscar statuette. All that drama and heartbreak and they aren't even happy with the result.

This person had two older sisters who, when we were young, were the most drop dead gorgeous women I've ever seen. I've often wondered if that has any connection to the whole identifying as a woman business.

The ex wife? She found a lovely new DH and has had another baby. They're very happy.

I still grieve the loss of the magnificent and ground breaking blog GenderTrender, brought down by the creepy fetishist JY.

It had one thread that ran to, iirc, about 150 trans widow posts. I read them all, and returned every so often. That thread made the pattern - the script - very, very clear.

People often talk about those men who have genuine dysphoria. But if you obsess over enough AGP porn you eventually develop dysphoria. It's a side effect of an addiction to a particular genres of porn. So it's self generated.

I think if you spend time on the relationship board you understand that many men centre their own wants over the happiness and stability of their family, and that often, actually, the things they want don’t make them happy in the long run at all

A lot of the behaviour recounted on the TW threads has seemed me to be just a different flavour of that pattern

In particular the repeated pattern of sexual coercion was quite eye opening

Oh God BernardsBlackWineIceLolly that is so true. Very minor thing but I had a verbal stoush with DH the other night. DS2 and I wanted to catch up on Season 2 of Big Little Lies. The whinging and moaning. What am I supposed to do? It's 45 bloody minutes find something else to occupy yourself, like I do when you watch the bloody cricket. AARGH even the decent ones struggle to avoid their sense of entitlement.

BTW we watched it and he commented that it wasn't a bad show.

Sorry for derailing.

@Janie143 Have you joined us on the Trans Widows threads? If not, do come over. It's good to hear other people's stories.

(Apologies if you already have. There's been so many of us I'm starting to lose track).

I have read the threads, and found them shocking, profound, moving and a revelation.

Their power is in the bringing together of the universal themes that run through the experience. It’s pattern recognition, it’s consciousness raising. It’s shining a light on “the script” in the way that has been done on DV and coercive control before. it’s an act of raw feminism to see women come together to share, educate, inform and empower themselves (the good kind of empowerment, not the kind that you get as a consolation prize instead of real power).

I salute you all.

I don't want to comment on the Trans Widow threads because it seems like intrusion, but I do read them and they have definitely coloured my opinion of male late in life transitioners. The seem no different to me than other types of entitled, emotionally and financially abusive men- perhaps even worse, because of all the affirmation and support they get from society whilst their family suffers. I think 'widow' is a highly appropriate term for these women. It sounds horrendous, like your husband has disappeared and been replaced by a complete stranger.

Using ‘widows’ is in bad taste in my opinion.

Do you voice that distaste when somebody says golf widow or fishing widow?

"I think if you spend time on the relationship board you understand that many men centre their own wants over the happiness and stability of their family, and that often, actually, the things they want don’t make them happy in the long run at all"

that is so true. In my professional life my male clients often have to make difficult business decisions and it helps them when I allow and encourage them to talk about the happiness and stability of their families if their make certain decisions. It's almost taboo for men to talk about it... really odd.

I have read the threads and have been moved to tears on many occasions. It has helped my understanding of AGP 100%.

When a family friend decided to announce to me that they were now a woman I went straight to the wife and gave my support. She said I was the first person not to tell her to let her ex "follow their heart"

Their power is in the bringing together of the universal themes that run through the experience. It’s pattern recognition, it’s consciousness raising. It’s shining a light on “the script” in the way that has been done on DV and coercive control before. it’s an act of raw feminism to see women come together to share, educate, inform and empower themselves

Hear, hear.

As an actual widow, just coming on to say I do not find the the term trans widows offensive in any way. Hope this helps

Thank you to all the trans widows for sharing your at times heartbreaking stories. I just hope that in posting on here maybe some of you feel slightly less isolated?

We do have your backs

Slightly different, but my dad transitioned in his sixties and I feel as if the man who was my father has died. That's pretty much how I cope with it. The person who he became is essentially a stranger to me; it's beyond changing appearance, I don't recognise their behaviour, their interests or even their mannerisms.

I don't mean that to be offensive to those who have lost their fathers, it's just how I feel and I don't feel I should have to apologise for my feelings over it. I have every right to my feelings and pain in the situation. And I can completely understand how a woman married to a man for many years would feel widowed when they become a different person.

I do apologise for the number of times I wrote feel and feelings in the space of 2 sentences though.

Haz1516 Thanks for sharing - we don't often get children of transitioners here to talk about their experiences.

It seems to me from reading the Trans Widows threads that the AGP fetish acts almost like a parasitic organism the hosts and turns them into someone unrecognizable to their families. Or an addiction with cycles of bingeing and purging. I can't imagine how it must feel to watch it unfold.

TRAs and their supporters will naturally object to the term trans widow. The world is supposed to laud the brave and stunning MtF while the discarded wife and distraught DC slide silently into the background.

The phrase trans widows doesn't fit their narrative at all. They hate that it draws attention to the grief and destruction experienced by families when the selfish, obsessive POS who used to be a husband and father decides to rewrite history.

And no, it's nothing like your DH coming out as gay, though had your DH always known he was gay, married you under false pretences, and now expected you to pretend to be a gay men and peg him regardless of your own tastes then it'd be a bit the same.

Still not like telling people not to deadname you or trying to get your DC to call you mum.

If people realized that some women are instructed by their husbands that they're now in a lesbian relationship and expected to play along with AGP fetishes the tide would turn on how late transitioning men are perceived.

I note that none of the widows on this thread object to the term. Only those hoping to police the thread.

Haz1516
Thank you for sharing that.

Can I ask - have you at any stage been able to access support for yourself - or maybe access any other 'children' for support? I'm acutely aware of how doubly conflicted the children must feel (don't feel you need to answer if that's too intrusive).

@truthisarevolutionaryact no, I haven't. When it all first unfolded then I tried looking online, but there wasn't really anything for me that I could see - more for either parents of trans kids or for transgender people with young children.

It's not something I talk about in real life to anyone apart from my partner, there's a kind of sense of embarrassment to it - not even in the fact he is living as a woman, but in terms of opening up about it; I think people would be really lovely and tell me they didn't care/it didn't matter/be supportive of my father, but that's not what I want to hear... it does matter to me and I don't think they'd be able to understand how upsetting it is.

I read them but never post.

It’s hugely eye opening. You see so many people who stay in the relationship and the wife is accepting of her partner, which is great and I’m happy for them. However we need to see the other side. That for some women this is the end of an unhappy marriage. I also find it disturbing how many women report that they partner wants them to partake in sexual activity that they are not comfortable with.