make up and 6yo DD - what to do?

[resisterpersister]

Please help me deal with this situation!

DD's cousins came to visit yesterday, and gave 6yo DD a make up set. The cousins rarely visit and I didn't feel up to souring the visit by rejecting the gift in front of them. So she spent yesterday with her cousins, covering themselves with make up. She bloody loves it. First thing she did this morning? Put more make up on.

Lots of DD's classmates are allowed to play with make up, but she knows I won't buy it for her. I don't wear it myself. I talk to her in an age appropriate way about why I don't like make up and don't wear it.

If it was up to me, this would never have come in the house! But it's here now. I could just take it away, but I'm worried that'll make it into a huge thing, I'm not sure if that'll achieve anything other than make her want it more and feel she's been treated unjustly (and, oh, do I remember the times I felt my parents were being unjust to me!)

I suppose I could let her play with it for a few days till she forgets about it and then quietly "lose" it. (Is that cowardly?)

I could impose boundaries around it (what?). She's already said she wants to wear it to school every day and I've said errr... no!

We've been talking a bit about why adults wear make up, and I've told her about how if you wear make up every day, it's a bit like it casts a spell on you and you feel you can't go outside without wearing it, and we talked about how much of a pain that would be if her friend came round to ask her to play, but she missed out because she couldn't just leave the house.

What do I do, oh wise FWR women? I want to just throw the bloody thing away, but I'm worried about creating a bigger deal out of it and making it an even greater object of desire!

The age on the box say 5+ . Who makes this stuff FFS?

Can we all take a breath she is 6 if her mum thinks she is too young for make up that is up to girls don't need to be playing with make up at 6 the op can take it away if she wants tbh I don't know what the visitors were thinking about maybe trying to make a point?

What about making it into a fancy dress type game rather than a "pretty girl" thing.... so get a face paint too and she can dress up as a superhero or an animal... so it turns the focus from having pretty pink lipstick to something more creative?

I like the idea of treating it as a “dressing up” item. But I think some of the attitudes to make up on this thread are really disparaging to women (myself included) who choose to wear make up. I thought feminism was meant to be all about choice?

What about making it into a fancy dress type game rather than a "pretty girl" thing.... so get a face paint too and she can dress up as a superhero or an animal... so it turns the focus from having pretty pink lipstick to something more creative?

That is a sensible answer. I'm not sure the OP is looking for sensible answers.

tbh I don't know what the visitors were thinking about maybe trying to make a point?

At the risk of being told I'm rude - they're nice but dim! We don't see them very often as we live miles away. Last time was nearly 2 years ago. It was meant as a nice gift. My cousin simply wouldn't think twice about this kind of thing. If it's in the shops and sold to girls then it's for girls, isn't it? That kind of attitude. She buys this stuff for her girls. If I rejected the present she would likely have felt offended or awful and I didn't want to do that.

I get your concerns OP. I haven't had the same issue yet with my DDs, thankfully. I do wear make-up myself but I don't want to encourage it.

I would just let her play with it in the house for a few days. It will probably get wrecked/become boring. Using it more like face paints is a good idea. Maybe do her like a clow n or a tiger, or draw pictures she likes on her face?

There's a whole heap of damaging messaging in adverts...you can't hide kids away from all of them. All you can do is teach them critical ev skills, personal confidence, a sense of worth, how to navigate this stuff, about stereotypes etc. I can't see how hiding specific things (which are very common) will make any sort of difference in the long run. I wouldn't want to freak my daughter out or make her think she has to hide her interests or preferences (or even her curiosities) from me, or even push her toward specific things by being all hard line about it. That's me though.

It makes me look better and feel more confident. No big deal in that really is there

Well yes. Subtext being you don’t think you look good enough, or pretty enough without make up. You need to wear make up to feel your looks are acceptable enough to go out.

Men don’t think like this. Make up doesn’t give them confidence. They think their own, unenhanced faces are fine.

Why have women been indoctrinated into thinking their own skin and natural looks aren’t good enough.

Nearly every person I know looks equally fine without make up as with it. I know lots of people who get pleasure out of the routine and using make up. But when it is needed to even leave the house, then yes, it is a big deal.

Can we all take a breath she is 6 if her mum thinks she is too young for make up that is up to her.

Thanks MrsJayy

I do think she's too young.

Can we all take a breath she is 6 if her mum thinks she is too young for make up that is up to her.

that isnt the message OP is putting across. she is against makeup as a whole (or that is the message she is sending.)

that isnt the message OP is putting across. she is against makeup as a whole (or that is the message she is sending.)

Yes I think make up is damaging. But there will come an age where DD is too old for me to make these kinds of decisions on her behalf. 6 isn' t it.

I'd be more worried that your DD has a phone at age 6!

As others have said, let her play with it, be creative and store it with the dressing up things.

Don't make a big deal and she'll probably be bored of it very soon. Up to her if she chooses to wear make up when she's older.

Would you disagree with her getting her face painted? We're on holiday and my dd has had her face painted twice a day every day, is very specific about colours, patterns etc, usually wants them to match her outfit . Make up is the same thing. To me it's a form of art and expression. Perhaps if you have never been drawn to it, don't know how to use it then you don't appreciate it. I wear make up everyday. I love it. I don't do it for anyone other than myself. Am I confident without it? yes. I'm a professional woman with several degrees etc and do public speaking. To me not wearing make up is like going to a wedding in a pair of joggers as opposed to a dress which I would feel amazing in. Making a big deal out of it may backfire in the future.

I'm a feminist, and I love make up, because I think of it as a method of self expression, as a way to express my creativity and mood, and I think there's a risk we devalue female creativity if we automatically assume make up, fashion etc should be rejected

This nails my thoughts. I have super short (shaved) hair and pretty much never wear makeup. I am NOT pretty and I dgaf. I have a daughter slightly older than yours OP and had a similar dilemma. In the end i reasoned that feminism was about choice, and she should be free to choose. I reinforced the notion tha makeup is facepainting, and we do it for fun, not conform in some way.

To dismiss Make-up is to devalue it. I spent my childhood aggressively rejecting feminine stereotypes and I do think for me that did come from a chunk of internalised misogyny. So I’m aiming to teach dd to sift through the stereotypes and select the bits she likes. And to try very hard not to project my own prejudices on to her.

I can only speak for myself in this though.

OP I get your concerns, totally
but there are 2 things going on with this thread-

1. Can/should feminists wear make up?
2. What boundaries should I set as a parent, sp. a feminist parent.

I think it's best to consider these seperately and your main concern is with 2. From a parenting perspective, I think the banning of anything makes it desirable and will lead to all kinds of grief. Obviously some things require an outright ban (eg alcohol) but it strikes me this isn't one of them. I think to rebrand this make up as 'face paint' is a good option- she gets to play with her present, while also being creative and avoiding the whole 'girls must work hard to be pretty" narrative. Help her to draw butterflies on her legs or whatever. Maybe buy some extra stuff to extend the colour range.

Remember, actions speak louder than words and you are your DDs first teacher. She already KNOWS women don't have to wear make up. Presumably you don't have women's magazines in the house. If I was you I'd be looking for examples of ridiculous adverts and encourage her to critically analyse them ...it's not hard!!

Do you honestly believe that not allowing her to play with a bit of make up will mean that she won't want to wear it when she's older? She'll be inundated with images of over made up,surgically enhanced half naked woman soon enough and there won't be a thing you can do about it. Let her play with her toy.

It's for dressing up not going out in at that age, easy distinction. If she wants "make up" for going out in a lip balm suffices!

My 7 year old daughter is also interested in make up at present.

I’ve given her a few bits of colourful stuff (lipstick and eyeshadow, rather than concealers/foundations/‘flaw correction’ stuff) and have encouraged her to draw on my face (and her 18 year old big brother!) with it.

I replenished the paint/craft box at the same time, hoping that she will get the message that make up can be experimental art, rather than gendered conformity.

It’s not perfect, but outright refusal can make things more interesting (I have a chocolate obsessed friend who was raised in a total no-sugar household).

Would you disagree with her getting her face painted?

No of course not - painting faces is about role play. I do try to encourage get to get something fun like a cat and not a boring old princess though.

Make up is the same thing. To me it's a form of art and expression

Sure, but it's an art form based on deeply ideas that are deeply entrenched in our sexist society about women being decorative and our worth being related to our beauty.

To me not wearing make up is like going to a wedding in a pair of joggers as opposed to a dress which I would feel amazing in

This is deeply sexist whether you realise it or not. Men do not do this. They do not feel like they're wearing jogging bottoms if they turn up to a wedding without a painted face. It's deeply disturbing to me that women like you think like this, and feel it's OK. It goes beyond a playful art form if you cannot be without it without feeling negative about yourself. I don't want my daughter falling into this trap.

Making a big deal out of it may backfire in the future

Yes I totally agree. That's why this is so difficult.

OP, I share a lot of your views and in this case would tell her she's too young and depending on how hard-core I felt it would be put away for hallowe'en, or for when she's playing dress-up (though my dd played a lot of dress-up and I wouldn't want to have been cleaning the crap off her face every time she played dress-up), on balance probably for hallowe'en. And then it might go missing. Or its expiry date might be reached.

I'm a feminist and I wear make up every day. Not because I care what other people think, it makes me look better and I feel more confident. I also enjoy the process of applying it, it makes me feel ready for the day. Yo me, being a feminist is about being able to wear what I want to wear, including make up.

A six year old doesn't 'need' make up, but it's something that's fun to do and part of playing at being a grown up. I would say to her that she play with it indoors, but can't wear it outside the house, as its not good for her skin to have it on too often or wear it for too long.

Sure, but it's an art form based on deeply ideas that are deeply entrenched in our sexist society about women being decorative and our worth being related to our beauty.

David Bowie, Prince, Goths, Adam Ant, Punks, Duran Duran.

You don't have to accept sexist stereotypes. Make up can just be make up.

David Bowie, Prince, Goths, Adam Ant, Punks, Duran Duran

These are exceptions that prove the rule. They weren't simply wearing make up, were they? They were making a statement.

And, if society changes so that men become just as insecure about their looks as women have been trained to be, that would be a bad thing (although great for making profit, so it's likely on its way).

From your last post OP it seems that you're determined to try to shield your DD from anything typically feminine. Why shouldn't she have her face painted as a princess? Why can't a princess be strong and powerful?

I feel you're potentially a type of feminist who I'd describe as anti-pink and wants to actively push anything that isn't typical femininity. You might benefit from adopting a more open minded approach in my opinion.

I wear a small amount of make up but there's no way I think it's appropriate for children. I'd give it a couple of weeks and hope she loses interest.