make up and 6yo DD - what to do?

[resisterpersister]

Please help me deal with this situation!

DD's cousins came to visit yesterday, and gave 6yo DD a make up set. The cousins rarely visit and I didn't feel up to souring the visit by rejecting the gift in front of them. So she spent yesterday with her cousins, covering themselves with make up. She bloody loves it. First thing she did this morning? Put more make up on.

Lots of DD's classmates are allowed to play with make up, but she knows I won't buy it for her. I don't wear it myself. I talk to her in an age appropriate way about why I don't like make up and don't wear it.

If it was up to me, this would never have come in the house! But it's here now. I could just take it away, but I'm worried that'll make it into a huge thing, I'm not sure if that'll achieve anything other than make her want it more and feel she's been treated unjustly (and, oh, do I remember the times I felt my parents were being unjust to me!)

I suppose I could let her play with it for a few days till she forgets about it and then quietly "lose" it. (Is that cowardly?)

I could impose boundaries around it (what?). She's already said she wants to wear it to school every day and I've said errr... no!

We've been talking a bit about why adults wear make up, and I've told her about how if you wear make up every day, it's a bit like it casts a spell on you and you feel you can't go outside without wearing it, and we talked about how much of a pain that would be if her friend came round to ask her to play, but she missed out because she couldn't just leave the house.

What do I do, oh wise FWR women? I want to just throw the bloody thing away, but I'm worried about creating a bigger deal out of it and making it an even greater object of desire!

The age on the box say 5+ . Who makes this stuff FFS?

I really feel for you. I had the same dilemma when my DD was invited to a school friend's 'pamper party' aged 6. I had no idea what a pamper party was and when I made enquires I was horrified to learn they'd have a make up artist there who'd do the girls hair, nails and make up. Aged 6! Girls are force fed a constant diet of messages that their role in life is to be decorative. It was the absolute last thing I wanted my DD to go to but it'd be a massive snub to her friend if she didn't go. I told my DD if the reasons I was uncomfortable about it (that she is so much more than her looks, and she is beautiful just as she is). In the end I stayed for a bit and it was the most boring party ever. None of the girls were interested in sitting still for ages and just wanted to chase balloons around the garden. It was all the mums who were pushing it, not the girls. When the beautician asked my DD if she wanted her gorgeous curly hair straightened (!), she replied 'no thanks, I love my curly hair!'

I am late 50s. When l was a child in the 60s l watched my auntie prepare for parties with long painted nails and lots of make up. The whole scenario took ages. It was most weekends. I adored it and couldn't wait to grow up.
I have never worn make up. I am confident enough and have always been in how l look. One episode or experience wont make your dd. Stop panicking.
My sil was never allowed make up/ earrings etc. She is obsessed. Has the largest collection l have seen.
Give your dd lots of experiences and focus on fun/ exercise/ sport/ education etc and she will be fine. Have confidence in your own parenting. Pretend play is fun and part of development.
If she senses you making a fuss she will be more attracted to it.

What would you do if a relative bought your child a gift that you thought was wholly inappropriate and based on values you disagreed with, but which your child loved?

it would depend what the toy was. i do understand your view on makeup, and I understand your reasoning. I just think that portraying it as a bad thing is just as negative as allowing the use of it. it's not like she is caking her face in it, she is just putting some colour on her eyelids.

I don't own or use a mobile phone or smart phone, and have to admit to serious concern about what my granddaughter will be exposed to in that culture. For me, keeping her away from mobile phones and smart phones etc for as long as possible - would be more important than not letting her experiment with pretty things.

i have seen a lot of adverts on the tv of girls and boys playing together with new action figures

I would imagine that is, in part, due to the work of organisations such as Let Toys Be Toys, pushing the toy industry to be less sexist, and demonstrating there is consumer demand for less sexist toy marketing. These things don't just happen by accident. If we want things to change, we need to change them, not just passively consume them.

(Disclaimer, I don't work in the toy industry!)

Remind her that once it's used up that's it finished as you won't be buying her any more. Then she might put it away to save for best and hopefully forget all about it!

you can't compare makeup with racism

Why not? The way make up is normally used, is all about women conforming to sexist stereotypes.

I just think that portraying it as a bad thing is just as negative as allowing the use of it

Yes, this is my dilemma. I don't know how to approach it without opening a can of worms.

If we want things to change, we need to change them, not just passively consume them.

I understand that, and do push for this kind of change. But surely you need balance? What kind of toys do you prefer your daughter to play with?

I'm a feminist, and I love make up, because I think of it as a method of self expression, as a way to express my creativity and mood, and I think there's a risk we devalue female creativity if we automatically assume make up, fashion etc should be rejected. Where it gets dangerous is the connection with value and self worth, which is hugely influenced by society as you point out earlier.

Trying to pitch this for your six year old, could you explain it to her as 'make up is fine for expressing yourself / being creative, but you must be very careful not to rely on it for your confidence/ power. The things that should be a source of your Elsa-like powers / self-confidence should come from the things you can do and how well you can treat other people - if it's coming from your appearance/ make up it isn't real power, it's just pretend'.

What would you do if a relative bought your child a gift that you thought was wholly inappropriate and based on values you disagreed with, but which your child loved?

I have three grown up children; a girl and two boys. The boys definitely were attracted to guns and weapons that they played with at friend's houses - so i bought then swords ( which i saw as more 'honourable' weapons). They still created guns with sticks though, if we went on woodland walks. One of my sons was in the school's army cadet force - which he loved. He loved camping and survival stuff - and still does.

Your children will be who they are and will, mostly, model your values.

The way make up is normally used, is all about women conforming to sexist stereotypes.

I would disagree with this. Some women do use makeup to hide facial flaws (which would otherwise make them feel uncomfortable and insecure- so makeup is providing a confidence boost for them.), But others view makeup as an art form. It allows them to express themselves through bright colours and bold lines.

My DD was obsessed with make up at 6. She grew out of it largely. Now she’s 11 and has a fair bit of make up but chooses not to wear it, for the most part. She goes through phases where she spends an hour or so, trying out theatrical looks but she doesn’t even ask to wear it every day.

I’m a feminist, I am bringing my DD and DS to be feminists. I’m also allowing them to find out what they like for themselves.

I’m no less of a feminist because I wear make up most days, wear a bra religiously and like heels.

What kind of toys do you prefer your daughter to play with?

She's at an age that I can't influence her! She has her own mind (ohm does she

I love to see her playing outside. Indoors, she loves board games and card games and would play them with us all day if only we had the time. When she was younger she had a toy train and a toy kitchen that she loved. She likes lego and playing with her dolls houses. She loves her gazillion animals. She has a (revolting IMO) LOL doll that she adores and a Lottie doll, both usually missing body parts! She loves craft stuff. She would be on the phone all day long if I'd let her (I don't).

Basically, we've got a mix of toys in the house, stuff traditionally marketed at girls and at boys.

My gay friends (male) wear make up what does that say about them.

My gay friends (male) wear make up what does that say about them.

I don't know your friends, but more generally the rise in men wearing make up says to me that - having managed to trade on women's insecurities for so long, getting us to buy into the beauty myth, getting men to feel as insecure about their looks as many women currently do is a win for the make up companies, not for the men who are buying into this fabricated nonsense.

Would you say the same about toys that encouraged racist stereotypes? (eg gollywogs)

I'm not quite sure what you are saying? You asked for advice and/or opinions, but obviously this is a trigger issue for you.

I had a gollywog as a child; they were common then. Now they are not for understandable reasons. I don't think you could buy one now even if you wanted.

I also, as a child, used to watch the Black & White Minstrel Show and 'Love Thy Neighbour'. Those were the sorts of programmes that were out at the time. I don't think I turned out inherently racist. Society develops and moves on, and so do the people within it.

You will do what you will do, and you will have to develop your own rationale for that.

My daughter had to wear mascara for a dance show. She rubbed her eyes and it went everywhere. She still tells me she doesn't want to wear makeup when she's older and definitely not mascara.

Random quiz - men from which UK city, do you think use the most make up?

I hear you OP. I would feel similarly and despise make up marketed at little girls.
I think the idea above of making it a dressing up box item is great. It'll get used up quickly and then obviously don't replace.
Despite my feminism I have internalised beauty and body myths and dislike going makeup-free. The pervasive idea of women even having 'facial flaws' to camouflage is depressing. (I'm not talking about makeup used in cases of burns, scarring, etc)
Freckles, the 'wrong' skin shade, redness in the 'wrong' places, patchy eyebrows, short eyelashes, etc are all such 'flaws'.

Random fact / quiz answer....
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Glasgow men love a bit (a lot!) of fake tan, making them the men's make up capital of the UK.

MountainWitch thank you for understanding. I posted this in FWR as I wanted help knowing how to deal with this, not a bunch of people telling me I was making a fuss out of nothing!

Random quiz - men from which UK city, do you think use the most make up?

Liverpool? Many young men and women here are obsessed with clothes, hair, cosmetics and looking 'good'.

Ah, damn, I should have left the quiz running, shouldn't I?!

Surely you just let her play with it on the rule that she doesn't wear it to school ?
That's what we did and said teen does not wear make up now at all.
We didn't make it a huge deal.