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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

make up and 6yo DD - what to do?

333 replies

resisterpersister · 27/05/2019 11:25

Please help me deal with this situation!

DD's cousins came to visit yesterday, and gave 6yo DD a make up set. The cousins rarely visit and I didn't feel up to souring the visit by rejecting the gift in front of them. So she spent yesterday with her cousins, covering themselves with make up. She bloody loves it. First thing she did this morning? Put more make up on.

Lots of DD's classmates are allowed to play with make up, but she knows I won't buy it for her. I don't wear it myself. I talk to her in an age appropriate way about why I don't like make up and don't wear it.

If it was up to me, this would never have come in the house! But it's here now. I could just take it away, but I'm worried that'll make it into a huge thing, I'm not sure if that'll achieve anything other than make her want it more and feel she's been treated unjustly (and, oh, do I remember the times I felt my parents were being unjust to me!)

I suppose I could let her play with it for a few days till she forgets about it and then quietly "lose" it. (Is that cowardly?)

I could impose boundaries around it (what?). She's already said she wants to wear it to school every day and I've said errr... no!

We've been talking a bit about why adults wear make up, and I've told her about how if you wear make up every day, it's a bit like it casts a spell on you and you feel you can't go outside without wearing it, and we talked about how much of a pain that would be if her friend came round to ask her to play, but she missed out because she couldn't just leave the house.

What do I do, oh wise FWR women? I want to just throw the bloody thing away, but I'm worried about creating a bigger deal out of it and making it an even greater object of desire!

The age on the box say 5+ Angry. Who makes this stuff FFS?

OP posts:
Justhadathought · 27/05/2019 12:48

MountainWitch thank you for understanding. flowers I posted this in FWR as I wanted help knowing how to deal with this, not a bunch of people telling me I was making a fuss out of nothing!

To be honest, I think you are very ungracious. You started a thread and people responded in good faith based on their own experiences. And now you are calling us a " bunch of people". I'd be rude, if I was by nature. but I'm not.

Justhadathought · 27/05/2019 12:50

I wouldn't bother responding to this thread if you have slightly differing views. I certainly won't be again.

sleepismysuperpower1 · 27/05/2019 12:52

MountainWitch thank you for understanding. flowers I posted this in FWR as I wanted help knowing how to deal with this, not a bunch of people telling me I was making a fuss out of nothing!

actually OP, it feels like you are looking for approval and for people to agree with your views on makeup rather than contradict them. I understand that you are looking for advice and 'a bunch of people' answered (as you so kindly put it), but you have pointed out where they are going wrong, and why you disagree about their views, rather than taking their advice.

Lwmommy · 27/05/2019 12:53

I don't wear make up 95% of the time but sometimes I fancy putting a bit on.

I'm teaching DD that make up is optional, we don't HAVE to wear it to be women but we can if we want.

So far at 5yo she sometimes puts lip balm on and says it's her lipstick but it's occasional. She's had her nails painted a few times and likes it but forgets very quickly.

I would pay little to no attention to the play make up, don't make a fuss, just have it be another toy that she plays with and forgets.

SheSaidNoFuckThat · 27/05/2019 12:57

"Casts a spell" you are being ridiculous, I have a large amount of makeup, have worn it for years though can function very well without it and leave the house with a bare face more times than not

Original poster
resisterpersister · 27/05/2019 12:59

To be honest, I think you are very ungracious. You started a thread and people responded in good faith based on their own experiences. And now you are calling us a " bunch of people"

Apologies, it wasn't meant to be rude.

But, you know, this is FWR not AIBU. I thought women here would understand the issues with makeup, even if they choose to wear it every day themselves. It's pretty basic feminism - isn't it?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 27/05/2019 13:00

I wouldnt overthink it. Shes 6. She will probably smear some blue eyeshadow on a few times and then hardly ever bother for a few more years.
My dd is a total tomboy and mini feminist but she still plays with makeup at times. Its not to make herself sexually attractive. Its just playing around with facepaints.

sleepismysuperpower1 · 27/05/2019 13:01

It's pretty basic feminism - isn't it?

No. I can be a feminist whilst still wearing makeup. It's incredibly narrow minded to think otherwise.

Original poster
resisterpersister · 27/05/2019 13:08

I can be a feminist whilst still wearing makeup. It's incredibly narrow minded to think otherwise.

I didn't suggest you couldn't be a feminist while wearing make up, why do you think I did?

I suggested it was basic feminism to be aware of feminist critiques of make up, of the beauty myth and how damaging it is for young girls to be constantly reminded of their appearance and encouraged to focus on it.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 27/05/2019 13:11

Men go on sunbeds wear make up these days. What is a gym but a body buffing exercise.

Sling it in the dressing up box. Children of either sex will enjoy playing with it.

stayathomer · 27/05/2019 13:13

I didn't suggest you couldn't be a feminist while wearing make up, why do you think I did?

Your whole thread is based on it being the wrong path to actually wear make up. I'm really shocked that you've such a grievance against it!!

Original poster
resisterpersister · 27/05/2019 13:15

I have a large amount of makeup, have worn it for years though can function very well without it and leave the house with a bare face more times than not

Please show me where I said this is true for every woman? I didn't.

Do you deny this is true for some women?

I use the word "spell" very deliberately. You can influence other people's behaviour, in predictable and measurable ways, through marketing and advertising. In times past, this kind of power to influence others would have been seen as magic. It's just another word for the same thing, and one that's easily understood by DC.

As my DC get older, I'll teach them more about how marketing influences us all, and how. My eldest and I talk about this kind of thing from time to time.

OP posts:
bluebluezoo · 27/05/2019 13:16

I have three grown up children; a girl and two boys. The boys definitely were attracted to guns and weapons. They still created guns with sticks though

I have a girl like this. All about nerf guns, light sabres, cross bows, arrows, anything vaguely weapon like.

And if your boys had liked make up?

I think that’s the issue for me. Boys would be actively discouraged, have the make up taken off them immediately, if they were given it in the first place.

It is a very clear message that make up and altering your image to a “better” version is for girls. Boys don’t need to use make up, they’re fine as they are and looks aren’t as important.

Fwiw i have never denied mine make up. But like pp it was treated like face paint- i have tried to send the message that make up isn’t about improving or “enhancing”, it’s creating an image to project that others will respond to differently. I’d rather see my child go full goth or disco than use make up to try and make herself “prettier”.

For the same reason I like men in make up. It challenges norms and that makes me happy :). Plus I grew up in the 80’s with adam ant and robert smith being the height of sexiness...

Original poster
resisterpersister · 27/05/2019 13:16

I'm really shocked that you've such a grievance against it!!

You're shocked? Why? What do you think make up is all about? Why don't men (mostly) wear it?

OP posts:
stayathomer · 27/05/2019 13:17

Sorry that posted too soon. Saying that, 6 is so young and you don't want her trying to put it on every day so maybe just say it's for dressing up?

Mrsjayy · 27/05/2019 13:19

Look you don't want her to have it take it off her she is 6 years old she doesn't need a make up set.

whathaveiforgottentoday · 27/05/2019 13:21

I rarely wear make up and have little interest in it. However I let my 2 dd's play with make up.
Kids learn best by imitating others particularly those close to them so by you showing that as a female you don't have to wear make up they are likely to follow in your footsteps.
I have one dd who enjoys wearing make up but she's very into clothes/artistic and she looks great. The other dd doesn't wear any make up at all and looks great too.
I can understand you be concerned about girls 'having to wear make up' but there is a massive difference between choosing to wear some make up and being unable to go out without it
I would spend more time building up their self esteem/ confidence rather than banning things (which may well backfire).

Babdoc · 27/05/2019 13:23

Well, this elderly feminist is absolutely with you, OP. I detest make up and the whole sexist industry pushing it.
I think I would have had a discussion with the cousins about why on Earth they thought it appropriate to plaster chemical crap on DD’s face - did they think she was so ugly she needed to be concealed under a layer of pore clogging slime?
I raised my DDs as feminists. There were no stereotypical girly toys in the house. They grew up to take degrees in maths and business management respectively, and have highly paid careers.
DD1 as a teenager had a Goth phase and used threatening black and dark green make up to deliberately put off unwanted attention from creepy old males hitting on schoolgirls, and now only uses it when doing cosplay at SF conventions.
I’m retired now, but when I was an anaesthetist I was always upset by the number of women patients who turned up in theatre in full make up, and were distraught at having to take it off, saying they never dared leave home without it. Every single one of them looked far nicer with it removed- our sexist society had really done a number on their self confidence to sell them that shit.

Kapeka · 27/05/2019 13:23

Of makeup was marketed towards young boys too, I would care less. As it is, it does promote the feminine stereotype.

iknowenoughthankyouygritte · 27/05/2019 13:26

Set a strict line that she can play with it in the house but isn't allowed out the house in it.

She will loose interest if you don't make a big deal of it.

Boulezvous · 27/05/2019 13:28

I think it's hard to resist the social pressures and norms amongst young girls to play with make up and dress up. She's not likely to be putting it on everyday so I'd just let it be. It will be broken and messy and discarded before you know it.

But I am an one of those feminists who wears make up and dyes her hair! And my DD18 who was never much bothered by it when younger does too - not everyday. But that's our choice.

justasking111 · 27/05/2019 13:28

My DM would not allow me to wear make up short skirts two piece swimsuits, only sluts wear those, she actually cut up my teenage clothes with scissors. Boys are only after one thing she said so wait until my wedding night.

Did that make her a feminist (rolls eyes)

LassOfFyvie · 27/05/2019 13:31

Would you say the same about toys that encouraged racist stereotypes? (eg gollywogs)

As others have said there is no valid comparison between the 2.

I raised my DDs as feminists. There were no stereotypical girly toys in the house

That is just as narrow minded as saying girls should not have "boys'" toys and vice versa.

LassOfFyvie · 27/05/2019 13:33

They grew up to take degrees in maths and business management respectively, and have highly paid careers

Whoop de doo. I was and still am as girly as you could get. You'd hate me. I have a highly paid career in what is still at the higher level, male dominated.

Morgan12 · 27/05/2019 13:34

I would never leave the house without make up unless I was just going to my mums house or something. School run, shops etc I will always wear some makeup. It makes me look better and feel more confident. No big deal in that really is there.