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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Having a hard time with a man at work

117 replies

Biancadelrioisback · 30/04/2019 11:39

I am the only female in a (very small) company. One of the men who works here keeps making odd, sweeping statements about 'women' and I have no idea how to handle this.
So basically, an example was today. He told me that women don't like men who cry and it's important to teach that to boys. I told him I absolutely did not agree, that I won't teach my son that and as a woman I prefer men not to bottle up their emotions. He told me that I was wrong, that women say they like men who show their emotions but really they dont. I pointed out again that, as a woman, I can't be grouped in with every other woman, that we think and feel independently, and that I know for a fact that many women do like men to show emotions. He just turned away and scoffed and I feel annoyed and frustrated.
He makes lots of comments like this, saying what 'women' do and don't like, or how 'women' act. I always point out that we are not all the same, that just like men, we are all different.
He also uses air quotes when talking about women feeling "threatened" by men as if it's a joke.

I've raised this with my manager who said he hasn't noticed. My manager is lovely and I think if he did notice he would speak up (he has in the past) but I don't think he hears things the same way I do. Or maybe I've become more sensitive to every day sexism?

As I say, we are a very small company and I love my job. I don't want to rock the boat. And basically, if this guy left without an immediate replacement, we might not make it.
He is young (25) and single but desperate for a girlfriend (he's always on tinder and POF) but says he can't find a 'nice girl', that they're all fake and he wants someone 'real'. He also isn't from the UK so perhaps the culture is a contribution factor here.

Argh, sorry for the rant, I just dont know how to handle this!

OP posts:
Lucywithout · 30/04/2019 11:55

It sounds like he is trying to wind you up deliberately. Grey rock him. Find a simple sentence you can respond with for all this stuff. eg " You are generalising - most women are different. " Never engage in argument just repeat your fixed response till he gets bored. Always the same general response.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 30/04/2019 11:57

He's an arse, and it's pretty obvious why he's single.

I understand why you don't want to let his stupid generalisations pass unchallenged but I'm a pragmatist and it sounds as if nothing you say will make him revise his opinions.

I think I'd be inclined to respond very briefly to his remarks and then go back to whatever work you are both doing. He's just a colleague and tbh his beliefs are silly and not worth a lot of time.

It would be different if he was managing a team of women. In that case he would be doing harm. But it sounds as if he's quite junior - and however good at his job he is he's very immature. Arguing with him after a certain point is pointless.

HollowTalk · 30/04/2019 11:59

Just say, "I didn't realise you were trans, sorry."

TheInebriati · 30/04/2019 11:59

I agree, don't get drawn in. Tell him that you won't discuss it any more, then ignore his rants. He sounds very immature, its not your job to fix him.
Keep an incident diary of the worst comments and hope you never need it.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 30/04/2019 12:01

“oh Jeffrey you do talk some shite”

Repeat as necessary.

OldUnit · 30/04/2019 12:02

He sounds like a goody fucker to me. An ignorant, immature, irritating GF.
You can bet your life some of the other people at work think he's a bit of a prick too.

OldUnit · 30/04/2019 12:03

You might want to mention to him that some of his colleagues will have wives, daughters, mothers and grandmothers they respect and adore.

Iwrotethissongfor · 30/04/2019 12:03

Ok so you’re manager hasn’t noticed it so what, what is he proposing to do about it given that you have noticed it and are telling him?

Iwrotethissongfor · 30/04/2019 12:04

*your

Hearhere · 30/04/2019 12:05

I agree that the grey rock approach is the best one here, don't engage etc
However I would also keep a log of incidents
Just in case

DancelikeEmmaGoldman · 30/04/2019 12:06

A couple of useful phrases. The first I learned from MN. “Can I just stop you there”, and when he stops, go back to what you were doing.

The other I deploy with rude people sharing unwanted opinions, “If you say so”, and go back to what you were doing.

He’s young, stupid, a misogynist and desperate for attention. If you refuse to engage he’ll get bored.

DameFanny · 30/04/2019 12:08

"yes dear" "that's nice dear" "uh huh"

Continue doing what you were doing (pausing only to discreetly log, just in case)

ILoveMaxiBondi · 30/04/2019 12:08

The first I learned from MN. “Can I just stop you there”, and when he stops, go back to what you were doing.

Love this!!

Greenglassteacup · 30/04/2019 12:09

He sounds very immature and cocky and irritating OP. I recommend a voodoo doll and some pins.

Iwrotethissongfor · 30/04/2019 12:09

I wouldn’t use the wives and daughters etc argument. There’s still a big problem if you need to have a cherished female relative to get your head round the idea that women aren’t an unmitigated mass of awfulness.

TheInebriati · 30/04/2019 12:11

Can you wear headphones for a few hours every day? They do help deal with the verbal stream of consciousness from men who find themselves in a situation with a woman and don't have the self awareness or social skills to know when to stop.

AssangesCat · 30/04/2019 12:13

I like a couple of the suggestions upthread. To add my own:

"Jeffrey, where the hell are you getting this stuff - it's no wonder you can 't get a girlfriend"

"Jeffery. where the hell are you getting this stuff - it's not as if you even have a girlfriend!"

You might be able to engage male colleagues in gentle joshing and eye rolling along the lines of "one day you'll get an actual girlfriend and then you'll know what women are like, until then listen to your elders."

DizzySue · 30/04/2019 12:14

He's enjoying getting a rise out of you.

Sympathetic head tilt 'oh dear...you really have no idea what women like, do you?' Tinkly laugh, and then dismiss and ignore.

You will never change his opinion, arguing with him will somehow give him a reason to put you in one of his pre-decided categories. (Probably 'hormonal female')

Datun · 30/04/2019 12:17

Oooh, that's vastly irritating isn't it.

Registering your contempt, whilst not prolonging the convo is quite difficult.

Maybe an eye roll and an under the breath huh. And if he questions it just say 'nothing' with an equally irritating and smug inward chuckle.

Or, as others say, ignore it. I would find that tricky myself though.

JessicaWakefieldSV · 30/04/2019 12:18

My DH worked with a guy like this for years, occasionally still does. He used to challenge every crap sexist statement or ‘advice’ this Neanderthal would spew about women but it did cause friction so after a while he literally ignored him and only spoke to him when he had to. Most others did the same so I think he probs just joined a forum or something full of incels to talk to.

Grey Rock is such a good tactic.

Fatted · 30/04/2019 12:19

Sounds like he's enjoying winding you up to be honest. Smile, nod, ignore. Use some 'uh-hu's while nodding and not turning around from your desk will also do the trick.

Hearhere · 30/04/2019 12:20

You could just make jokes about incels?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 30/04/2019 12:21

Never engage in argument just repeat your fixed response till he gets bored. Always the same general response I agree and also agree with keeping a log just in case . And roll your eyes a LOT,I find a good eye roll makes me feel so much better about having to deal with people like this.

TheInebriati · 30/04/2019 12:21

Thats just playing his game. The only way to leave the game is to leave the game.

FriarTuck · 30/04/2019 12:22

'I can see why you're single'
'You've not had much experience with women have you?'
'You know counselling could really help with that inferiority complex you have around women - there's nothing shameful about admitting you need help'
Or just pat him on the arm, tilt your head and say 'I'm guessing you have mummy issues' in a sickly voice (without laughing)
Have fun with it, turn it into a source of eternal amusement - have a whole list of put-downs and you'll be begging him to try and patronise you!

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