Having a hard time with a man at work

[Biancadelrioisback]

I am the only female in a (very small) company. One of the men who works here keeps making odd, sweeping statements about 'women' and I have no idea how to handle this.
So basically, an example was today. He told me that women don't like men who cry and it's important to teach that to boys. I told him I absolutely did not agree, that I won't teach my son that and as a woman I prefer men not to bottle up their emotions. He told me that I was wrong, that women say they like men who show their emotions but really they dont. I pointed out again that, as a woman, I can't be grouped in with every other woman, that we think and feel independently, and that I know for a fact that many women do like men to show emotions. He just turned away and scoffed and I feel annoyed and frustrated.
He makes lots of comments like this, saying what 'women' do and don't like, or how 'women' act. I always point out that we are not all the same, that just like men, we are all different.
He also uses air quotes when talking about women feeling "threatened" by men as if it's a joke.

I've raised this with my manager who said he hasn't noticed. My manager is lovely and I think if he did notice he would speak up (he has in the past) but I don't think he hears things the same way I do. Or maybe I've become more sensitive to every day sexism?

As I say, we are a very small company and I love my job. I don't want to rock the boat. And basically, if this guy left without an immediate replacement, we might not make it.
He is young (25) and single but desperate for a girlfriend (he's always on tinder and POF) but says he can't find a 'nice girl', that they're all fake and he wants someone 'real'. He also isn't from the UK so perhaps the culture is a contribution factor here.

Argh, sorry for the rant, I just dont know how to handle this!

Don't expect to go very far in the company if you need to tell the boss when someone is being mean to you.

That won't be what's happening, should she take details of the issue to HR/her manager. To continually have to field sexist statements at work is not acceptable. Just as having to continually field racist or homophobic statements would be. This is not about someone being "mean". And actually, even if it were, continually bullying at work is also not ok, and companies should be looking to stamp it out.

To ensure that someone who reports sexist harassment to you doesn't go far within your company is harassment in itself.

I bwt the last time Jeff was anywhere near a vagina was when his mother gave birth to him.

I'd probably just say "how would you know?" To any comments about what women are like as he clearly has no experience to comment.

AssassinatedBeauty
if an adult is unable to deal with another adult from the same team then no, I don't give them much hope of progression.

It's not bullying. If you think that's what bullying is, you prove my point. Don't worry, the "mean" guy will be punished accordingly. But the one who needs the boss to hold her hand won't go very far.

Racism and homophobia OK or just sexism lacasta?

Is he Russian? I think international women’s day started there didn’t it and is more established iyswim?

But I definitely think all men should wish us a happy international women’s day!

LaCasta it's not the fact he is "being mean". Like I explained in my last post, I don't think he is "mean", I just think he is sexist and immature. I don't run to my boss whenever he makes a comment, I talk it out then and there with him, which is why I came here to ask advice as this approach isn't working and is just winding me up. My boss is aware as he has directly asked me how I am getting on with this person (like I said, very small team, technically a mico-company) and I told him that I don't appreciate the comments he makes about women.

If he does it all the time then bore him with "Have you met every woman/American/English/gay person? No? I didn't think so." End of conversation. Every single time. Until he's so bored with it that he stops bothering to make sweeping statements.

Bernard (now I want a wine lolly!) He's from Lithuania.

Some people do tend to think in those kind of sweeping generalisations. I think they can be people who have a hard time understanding social interactions or why people behave in certain ways. So they are inclined to pick up these ideas, sometimes they can be quite weird. But they are the only tools they have to try and make sense of things. They might be poorly educated more generally.

If he is basically a nice guy, I would try and treat him, in those interactions, kind of like he has the brain of a 14 year old boy. So set a good example for behaviour that might make him question his assumptions, or ask questions about his statements from time to time. Not all the time, but when you think it might really make him think. ou could say, "well, I am a women, Mike, and you know I don't do that. Do you think maybe it could be that women have a lot of views on that issue?" When you don't want to engage, ignore it or just say "Oh, I don't think that is true" and carry on.
He might have some sort of mental or social deficit, and a lot of men at 25 are still pretty immature these days. I always think if we can, it's good to help them toward a useful maturity rather than send them into the arms of weirdo conspiracy theorists.

He definitely struggles socially. While he is a massive pain, he does try (I think).

I find a half hearted smile but no verbal response goes a long way to making games like this as boring as possible for the other person.

I've raised this with my manager who said he hasn't noticed.

"Obviously not, that's why I'm making you aware. You do realise that sexism in the workplace is a form of discrimination, and illegal according to the Sex Discrimination Act of 1975?".

Sounds like he is just an opinionated twat, tbh. I second keeping an obvious diary.

I agree with others, don't engage just a short standard response repeated each time he comments - " really, that's nice" or similar dismissive slightly more polite way of saying "whatever". Also a log is good buy I think he'll get bored pretty quick if you don't engage.
I don't think it's necessarily a cultural thing, my hubby is Polish and I know quite a few eastern Europeans from various countries and they are all different in the same way women are all dif. My hubby cries when something sad happens or when he's very emotional.

MyTaxiIsAlwaysLate
no need to be childish

it's a simple reasoning, if you can't handle an immature colleague on your own but need me to hold your hand to do that, how would you manage same employee once YOU are his manager?

today's example given by the OP is 2 people disagreeing with each other. He just turned away and scoffed and I feel annoyed and frustrated. seriously, you would want me to get involved in there? I would because that's my job, but don't expect me to take either of you seriously. It's like being in a classroom and having to tell people to shut up and keep all discussion business-related to avoid any upset. What I'd personally think about the comments is completely irrelevant.

@AssangesCat I wouldn't do that tbh. If he already holds these beliefs he's not 100 miles away from trying to hurt or sabotage Op.

I'd go for a touch of condescension mixed with sarcasm- "My my, you've got it all figured out haven't you? No wonder you're having such good luck with the ladies!" Tinkly laugh I wouldn't bother trying to change his mind or even get irritated to be honest - he's not worth your time and energy.

'You'll understand women more when you've actually slept with one'
'Had you thought about getting yourself a blow-up woman - that way you'd not only have a woman who'll sleep with you but she'll seem like she's agreeing with you too'

The first I learned from MN. “Can I just stop you there”, and when he stops, go back to what you were doing.

Oh, this is great. I can think of so many situations when it would be useful!

no need to be childish

How is that childish?

"all women think XYZ" is not different to "All Asian people think XYZ"

"All gays are like XYZ".

Do you think sexism is less of a problem than racism or homphobia or would step in when an Asian or gay person said they had an issue with homophbia and racism at work?

You'll understand women more when you've actually slept with one personally I wouldn't enter into any kind sexual references with him at all. Ignore, ignore,ignore.

I worked with one of those. Sadly the bosses also thought they could ignore the raised eyebrows and "ooof!"s of disbelief. I was told that I needed to work on my people skills.

So I chose to ignore him - hard when he was the one other person in the room and we co taught a subject. But unless he began a work related conversation I just ignored him. No response, nothing.

After a couple if weeks I was asked by our boss why I was being so horrible to him, he had reported being really upset. I took about an hour, a long walk and a solo shouty session before I went back and explained that I was practicing my improved people skills... I was happy to throttle him if she thought that was appropriate.

She didn't get it, thought he was lovely. I went for a sideways promotion. That left her directly in charge of him... cue her in my office apologising.

So my advice would be to utterly ignore him, respond only to work related queries and tell your boss why, should he ever ask!

I think keeping a diary of the sexist or other unpleasant comments is useful. It will let you review how frequent it is, and you could also use it to illustrate to your manager the atmosphere that this man is creating.

It is a bit shit, but if you do blank him or ignore him he could mention this to your manager and it could come across like you are being unreasonable.

He is clearly trolling and therefore none of his statements merrit a serious response.

To whatever he is saying pretend to agree and make it ridiculous.
"Men are not allowed to cry?"
"Ofcourse they are not and you will slap any man who shows even the slightest bit of emotion. You like your men to be emotionless robots."

And so on.

"yes dear" "that's nice dear" "uh huh"

Yes! In your most patient Mummy voice. Also (head tilt) "Hmm it is a wonder you are still single isn't it?"