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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Having a hard time with a man at work

117 replies

Biancadelrioisback · 30/04/2019 11:39

I am the only female in a (very small) company. One of the men who works here keeps making odd, sweeping statements about 'women' and I have no idea how to handle this.
So basically, an example was today. He told me that women don't like men who cry and it's important to teach that to boys. I told him I absolutely did not agree, that I won't teach my son that and as a woman I prefer men not to bottle up their emotions. He told me that I was wrong, that women say they like men who show their emotions but really they dont. I pointed out again that, as a woman, I can't be grouped in with every other woman, that we think and feel independently, and that I know for a fact that many women do like men to show emotions. He just turned away and scoffed and I feel annoyed and frustrated.
He makes lots of comments like this, saying what 'women' do and don't like, or how 'women' act. I always point out that we are not all the same, that just like men, we are all different.
He also uses air quotes when talking about women feeling "threatened" by men as if it's a joke.

I've raised this with my manager who said he hasn't noticed. My manager is lovely and I think if he did notice he would speak up (he has in the past) but I don't think he hears things the same way I do. Or maybe I've become more sensitive to every day sexism?

As I say, we are a very small company and I love my job. I don't want to rock the boat. And basically, if this guy left without an immediate replacement, we might not make it.
He is young (25) and single but desperate for a girlfriend (he's always on tinder and POF) but says he can't find a 'nice girl', that they're all fake and he wants someone 'real'. He also isn't from the UK so perhaps the culture is a contribution factor here.

Argh, sorry for the rant, I just dont know how to handle this!

OP posts:
LangCleg · 30/04/2019 12:48

Agree with PPs recommending the grey rock method. Ignore if you can. If you can't, respond flatly, unemotionally and repetitively. End the conversation as quickly as possible.

The original article about grey rocking is here:

180rule.com/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

truthisarevolutionaryact · 30/04/2019 12:48

Grey rock and boundaries.

It's the work place so limit all conversations that are inflammatory, personal, political. Lots of good strategies from the wise women on here.

andyoldlabour · 30/04/2019 12:52

"He is young (25) and single but desperate for a girlfriend"

I think with views like his, he may be waiting for some time.

grumiosmum · 30/04/2019 12:56

He's trolling you for fun.

Ignore ignore ignore.

Do not engage in conversation. One word, closed answers if you have to.

aprarl · 30/04/2019 12:56

Incel or troll.

Do not engage the little creep.

notatwork · 30/04/2019 12:58

He's a classic Incel. I'd step away.

'No woman wants me so women must be bad at choosing'. 'Some women say they don't want an arse but I know they do really so the fact that I am behaving like an arse and am still alone PROVES that women won't admit to what they want'. etc etc

ChicCroissant · 30/04/2019 13:01

You don't have to attend every argument you are invited to, OP.

TheDailyCarbuncle · 30/04/2019 13:02

I'd get a notebook and every time he says something like this, very visibly write it down. Every so often say 'sorry what was that again, women don't like...?' and be clear that you're writing what he's saying. It totally puts the wind up people if they think you're writing their words down. They shut up pretty darn fast IME.

powershowerforanhour · 30/04/2019 13:09

If you must indulge in a spot of pig wrestling, limit it to "Hmm I reckon I'm more qualified than you to know how women think. What with having a vagina and all. Anyway, we ought to get back to work". I use this last line to shut down annoying conversations at work.

FeministCat · 30/04/2019 13:17

I would not say anything more then “you have much to learn about women” and put my headphones back on. Rinse, repeat.

Your manager is actually showing his own sexism when he says “I have not noticed!”. No shit, he is not the target of it and two, he should notice that you have told him.

OnlineAlienator · 30/04/2019 13:20

He's obvious very, very upset at being unable to attract one of those pesky, uncooperative 'women' and rather than look to himself, he just blames them. As a woman, you are also being personally punished for it; you're the punchbag for his frustration.

I would go for dismissal and humiliation. The 'let me stop you there' line or insults are brilliant, but show you've been rattled. Something along lines of tinkly little laugh 'oh jeffery, you do talk a lot of shite* as suggested is perfect.

Racerback · 30/04/2019 13:28

Your problem is your weak, ineffectual manager.

Small companies are the pits. Is there an HR function?

Racerback · 30/04/2019 13:30

You shouldn't have to devise strategies for dealing with this. If some arsehole at work was mouthing off about 'gays' or 'Jews' there'd be uproar. This is no different and your manager needs to get a grip, pronto.

Goosefoot · 30/04/2019 13:31

I think my response would depend on whether I thought he was winding me up, or honest but idiotic. Both seem possible, but if it's the latter, I'd expect that maybe he was more generally akward and socially clueless. Some people are like that and come up wih crazy theories and generalisations to explain behaviours they don't understand.

If it's the first, I'd probably just ignore it, though I'd be tempted to be a smart ass. But it's probably not worthwhile at work. If the second, I'd be a little kinder, and maybe ask a well-placed question here and there. But mostly it's good to cultivate an attitude where people's stupid comments just pass over you.

lottiegarbanzo · 30/04/2019 13:39

Is this all happening in working time or break time?

You could complain to your manager about your working time being taken up by him (depends on organisational culture re chit chat while working).

You should complain about being targeted for sexist harrassment because you're a woman.

viques · 30/04/2019 13:43

If he is so empathetic towards women then I think you should share the trials and tribulations of being a woman with him.

"Bloody hell Jeffrey, my periods come early, can you run to the shop and buy me some tampons . Supersize please. And while you're out can you nip into m and s and get me some clean knickers."

VladmirsPoutine · 30/04/2019 13:43

Can you keep a log of all the comments because if its a small company then your HR function - I suspect might be just your manager who fields all things.

Write in detail so you can present it to your manager as an accomplished fate i.e. "You need to do something about Bob because on 13th February he said xyz at 4pm then on the following Tuesday he said abc..."

Take no prisoners in this regard.

lottiegarbanzo · 30/04/2019 13:43

You don't need to put in those terms to the chap himself - who may well be an idiot, as much as a troll. Deflection is good.

But your manager needs to know what's going on and that it's interfering with your wellbeing and taking up your time.

snowdrop6 · 30/04/2019 13:43

I’d get a diary and write every single comment down...then I’d present it to my manager ..but I completely ignore him while doing so

EweSurname · 30/04/2019 13:44

You should definitely grey rock him as in pelt him with one

Joisanofthedales · 30/04/2019 13:48

Some of the posts on here are genius and I wish I had the guts to use them.
I think I would probably just smile wearily and say 'ok if you say so' and turn back to work.

LaCastafiore · 30/04/2019 15:04

to be honest, if someone comes to see me at work to complain about that kind of comments, I would of course deal with it. I would also be very unimpressed with the one who complains, I am not a teacher dealing with school playground squabble. Don't expect to go very far in the company if you need to tell the boss when someone is being mean to you.

Deadringer · 30/04/2019 15:26

Ask him why he is mansplaining what women think, to a woman.

slug · 30/04/2019 15:29

Get one of these mugs
mug 1
Mug 2
I'm sorely tempted with this one
And plaster his desk with these.

Biancadelrioisback · 30/04/2019 15:39

Oh lord! You lot are good!!

I really dont think he is doing it to get a rise from me. He talks this way all the time, whether I'm in the room or not (we can hear from our break room...sort of) and he talks this way about everything eg all English people do this, all American people think like this, all gay people are this etc. He genuinely believes what he says too.
I think he has good intentions, for example, when my grandma died he bought me flowers, and made a huge effort to wish me happy international women's Day which made me chuckle. But then he starts telling me how women think and coming out with shithouse statements.

I need to stop rising to it anyway, I just hate knowing he thinks that way about women!

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