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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Having a hard time with a man at work

117 replies

Biancadelrioisback · 30/04/2019 11:39

I am the only female in a (very small) company. One of the men who works here keeps making odd, sweeping statements about 'women' and I have no idea how to handle this.
So basically, an example was today. He told me that women don't like men who cry and it's important to teach that to boys. I told him I absolutely did not agree, that I won't teach my son that and as a woman I prefer men not to bottle up their emotions. He told me that I was wrong, that women say they like men who show their emotions but really they dont. I pointed out again that, as a woman, I can't be grouped in with every other woman, that we think and feel independently, and that I know for a fact that many women do like men to show emotions. He just turned away and scoffed and I feel annoyed and frustrated.
He makes lots of comments like this, saying what 'women' do and don't like, or how 'women' act. I always point out that we are not all the same, that just like men, we are all different.
He also uses air quotes when talking about women feeling "threatened" by men as if it's a joke.

I've raised this with my manager who said he hasn't noticed. My manager is lovely and I think if he did notice he would speak up (he has in the past) but I don't think he hears things the same way I do. Or maybe I've become more sensitive to every day sexism?

As I say, we are a very small company and I love my job. I don't want to rock the boat. And basically, if this guy left without an immediate replacement, we might not make it.
He is young (25) and single but desperate for a girlfriend (he's always on tinder and POF) but says he can't find a 'nice girl', that they're all fake and he wants someone 'real'. He also isn't from the UK so perhaps the culture is a contribution factor here.

Argh, sorry for the rant, I just dont know how to handle this!

OP posts:
TigerCubScout · 03/05/2019 11:13

Treat it as a cultural thing...
Him: all women / Americans/ gays do xyz
You: that sounds quite sexist/ racist / homophobic . Is Lithuania quite a sexist / racist / homophobic country? I can see why you left.

Or you: you are coming across as homophobic - is that because you are Lithuanian? You've implied before that Lithuanians are homophobic. Hmm.. Really interesting!

Biancadelrioisback · 17/05/2019 15:57

Sorry to revive this thread, but I needed to vent.
This guy crossed the fucking line for me today and I've walked out of work.
He was speaking to my other colleague about women (in clear earshot of me, not that I think this is relevant except it explains how I heard it) and they started talking about how some women feel vulnerable when out on their own and as a result carry their keys between their fingers, or will walk the longer yet better lit way home over the quick, dark route etc. He stated that it was bollocks and that he, a man, is just as vulnerable of being mugged or stabbed. He said if women wanted to project themselves they shouldn't dress like sluts. Then somehow ended up ranting about women who make sexual harassment claims and how "most of the time they're fake" and it's not fair on men.

I just walked out. Grabbed my bag and left the office. My boss called after me but I was crying with frustration so didn't turn around or respond. I've text my boss saying I needed fresh air and space from colleague as his comments are out of order. Boss says he didn't hear them (he did have his headphones in) so I told him to ask colleague to repeat himself or speak to other staff. I haven't heard back yet.
I'm sat on a bench on the high street along from my office and don't know what to do. I'm absolutely boiling.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 17/05/2019 16:00

Don't rise to it. Just sigh dramatically, shake your head sadly and/or roll your eyes. If he doesn't get a reaction, he will stop.

maslinpan · 17/05/2019 16:04

You poor thing, what a little misogynistic prick he is. Perhaps this the moment when your boss starts taking you seriously. I hope your other colleague gives a truthful account of their conversation to your boss.

onsen · 17/05/2019 16:09

Argh. I'm not sure what to do but didn't want to leave you on the bench on your own.

Can you go and get a coffee somewhere, and breathe, but also spend that time writing down exactly the conversation, then email it to yourself. Then call/text your boss and ask him if he wants to address this now or whether you should go home and he will deal with IC without you. Either way, can it be dealt with by Monday morning.

Are there any other women in the office?

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 17/05/2019 16:12

Hi OP I've only today read your thread from the start. I'm sorry it's got to this, what a nasty piece of work this man is.

In a way hopefully this will mean actually he has to explain himself to your manager now. When it comes to any kind of harassment in the work place the key thing isn't how he intended his crap to sound but how other people were made to feel. I really think you have grounds to challenge him.

Be aware he sounds like the type of twat who will roll out the emotional/hormonal women bollocks. IGNORE AND DO NOT ENGAGE WITH THIS.

Good luck OP I hope your feeling a bit more ready to go back. Thanks

TheInebriati · 17/05/2019 16:13

Your boss is as bad as the nasty piece of work he has employed. Its not good enough for him, to keep saying he didn't see it or hear it, he needs to sort it out.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/work/leaving-a-job/dismissal/claiming-constructive-dismissal/

Biancadelrioisback · 17/05/2019 16:14

Nope, I'm the only woman.
I'm not meeting my DH for another couple of hours so I can't go home (live a canny drive away), but I just don't want to see this colleague.
My boss is dead canny though, he was quite annoyed with himself for missing the conversation and not putting a stop to it. I know he believes me as he knows I wouldn't walk out for no reason.

OP posts:
tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 17/05/2019 16:14

Agree onsen has a wise suggestion for an actual strategy.
Hopefully the little twat will sweat over the weekend.

onsen · 17/05/2019 16:19

Hmm, but your boss needs to do more than put stops to actual idiotic conversations when they arise, he needs to create a situation where they don't arise in the first place.

Coffee shop and email your boss? See if IC can be sent home so that you can have a conversation?

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/05/2019 16:34

Write down every single word verbatim while you remember it clearly.

Biancadelrioisback · 17/05/2019 16:42

He does, and tbh, I trust that he will. He had young daughters who he is raising on his own and has said to me before that he is more aware than ever of how shit some women have it.

OP posts:
andyoldlabour · 17/05/2019 16:56

OP, please don't let this neanderthal force you out of a job. Can you get in touch with your boss, or will you have to wait until Monday?
This guy needs to be stopped, and I hope you can get it sorted.

Biancadelrioisback · 17/05/2019 17:19

I 100% am not going to let him force me out. But I just needed to not be near him today. I've gone back to the office to speak to boss about what happened. Just waiting for him now and we're going for a coffee as colleague is still there.

OP posts:
onsen · 17/05/2019 17:36

I was going to say good luck, but that's not it at all: hope he is reasonable and stay strong.

Upzadaizy · 17/05/2019 18:24

Strength & courage to you OP - it's these "small" battles that women everywhere fight Every.Single.Day - men have no idea.

But please don't let this nasty fuckwit harass you out of your jb.

Do some research on "hostile environment in the workplace" - it's sexual harassment just as much as if he actually put a hand on your bottom or breast.

BackwardsGoing · 31/05/2019 22:57

What happened OP?

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