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Original poster

Do i put the fathers name on my babys birth certificate?

133 replies

emmajayne89 · 13/04/2019 17:16

My partner and I split up towards the end of my first trimester after i discovered he had been having an inappropriate/flirtatious relationship with a female 'friend' of his and he had lied about it throughout our entire relationship. After coming to terms with this he agreed with therapy but he was continuuing to lie to me about things (silly things like his age and what hes doing- pathological lying), so i had to call an end to the relationship.

he wants to be involved in our babys life as much as he can be, so i've said he needs to demonstrate hes taking therapy seriously and hes improving and being truthful to himself and his family and friends and i will incorporate him into the babys life as well as trial coparenting.

The issue is whether i add him to the birth certificate or not. I know I wont restrict his time with our child unless i believe its well justified (and backed up by several impartial views before any changes are made). He is immature in a lot of ways and to an exaggerated level than is acceptable for his age and is currently being combatted in therapy.

What is the right thing to do? Add him because after all he is the father, or dont add him to protect myself from possible drama in the future? I had already advised him that if he can provide proof of payment for therapy then child support doesnt need to be considered unless he gets a promotion/able to afford both.

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 13/04/2019 17:18

Don't add him. As a single parent I can tell you it's a blight having them on there if they disappear.

freshstart28 · 13/04/2019 17:18

Of course you should. Your child should have its father on its birth certificate

LizzieSiddal · 13/04/2019 17:21

I wouldn’t because it gives him certain rights. As he’s proved himself to be a liar and cheat, I wouldn’t want him having extra rights.

jeaux90 · 13/04/2019 17:22

One example is about travel. In theory you need their permission to take them out the country or move etc if they have parental responsibility.

I'm not sure what you gain though so maybe another poster will counter my view.

Ribbonsonabox · 13/04/2019 17:24

I think fathers should add themselves personally if they are not married to the mother or living with her etc... why should you facilitate that? If he wants to be on it then let him sort that.
I think this way it gets rid of the dead weight time wasters who would only use parental responsibility to abuse and manipulate you. Dads who are actually serious about being fathers for the sake of their children are capable of getting on the birth certificate via the court.
It shows that they can get their shit together and actually give a fuck over a prolonged period of time.
Dont make life easy for someone out of a sense of duty. I dont get why anyone would think mothers should go out of their way to make life easy and give control to men who have not proved themselves to be trustworthy or have decent intentions. Imo that is utterly stupid.

jeaux90 · 13/04/2019 17:29

Nice post Ribbons. Totally agree with you.

zanahoria · 13/04/2019 17:33

Get legal advice , make sure you know exactly what the repercusions are.

freshstart28 · 13/04/2019 17:38

Mothers can't just put the father on though can they? If unmarried the dad has to be there himself to do it.

Twisique · 13/04/2019 17:38

I wouldn't add him!

BertrandRussell · 13/04/2019 17:40

I haven’t read the thread but because you’re asking the question, the answer must be no. You can always add him later- you can’t take him off once he’s there.

BertrandRussell · 13/04/2019 17:42

“I think this way it gets rid of the dead weight time wasters who would only use parental responsibility to abuse and manipulate you.”

I don’t agree. Insisting on being on the birth certificate is just they sort of thing an abusive “I demand my rights” sort of man would do.

sawdustformypony · 13/04/2019 17:42

As freshstart says - if he's not there at the registration, then its out of the question that you be allowed to name him.

Ribbonsonabox · 13/04/2019 17:43

Yes that's true the dad has to be there to sign.. you both have to go in.

But if just you go and sign a father can legally apply to get on it later.
That's what I would do tbh. Not take him with you, just sign it yourself and wait for him to apply to get on it of he wants to. I do think men should show commitment and not just be handed the rights on a plate purely because if you know he is not trustworthy and theres a chance he will try and manipulate you and do reckless things out of anger etc then handing over those rights could be a nightmare for you down the line.
Especially if he just disappears. You would still need his permission for things like choosing schools and going abroad. If you have any concern he will either use these rights to get at you or he will potentially dissapear, just dont do it, dont invite him to come and register the birth with you.

Bluestitch · 13/04/2019 17:45

No don't put him on, and make sure the baby has your surname too.

sawdustformypony · 13/04/2019 17:47

As you (OP) say, he is the father. It's not his rights that are important, instead its the child's right to have a proper relationship with his/her father that should prevail.

Chocolate35 · 13/04/2019 17:50

I wouldn’t. As others have said, you can always add it. I didn’t put my exes name on the birth certificate and after 15 years I stand by my decision, he’s never met her so it would have been a nightmare every time we went away.

allthingsred · 13/04/2019 17:51

I shouldn't read these threads as it just winds me up.
Yes of course you should put him on bc. He is the father.
Jeez if it was the other way & a dad asking should I put mothers name there would be uproar.
It is crap having father ...unknown...on a bc.
This is coming from someone who has it on hers.
Just because someone is an awful partner doesn't mean they will be an awful parent.

reallybadidea · 13/04/2019 17:53

Insisting on being on the birth certificate is just they sort of thing an abusive “I demand my rights” sort of man would do.

True. But it still puts another obstacle in their way.

OP, I definitely think you should wait and see how things pan out. What are you planning to do about the baby's surname?

Ribbonsonabox · 13/04/2019 18:00

It doesnt mean they wont though! And why should you hand them rights on a plate if you barely know them or have good reason to suspect they may use it to abuse you or disappear?!
Fathers can have their names added later if they care to do so.
I dont think any woman should invite a man to sign the register with her unless she completely trusts him.

Ginger1982 · 13/04/2019 18:03

It's a personal choice but I wouldn't use it as a punishment because he's been a shit partner. He might be a great dad. However, it will give him rights that you need to be comfortable with him having.

HappyPunky · 13/04/2019 18:04

Give the baby your last name.
To go on the birth certificate he has to attend to register the baby. He can go on later if you want him to. If he's not on there's just a line through father.

BertrandRussell · 13/04/2019 18:04

“Just because someone is an awful partner doesn't mean they will be an awful parent.”

No- but it’s a pretty big bloody clue.

Particularly when modeling how relationships work is a big part of being a good parent. And that includes modeling an “apart” parenting relationship.

KaterinaPetrova · 13/04/2019 18:12

The birth certificate lists the child's biological parents, no? So no matter how anyone feels about him, he is the child's father and I think he should be put on the birth certificate.
My own dad was a shit, lying crapbag of a husband to my mum and a terrible partner to his girlfriends but he was still my dad and wasn't as bad a father to me as he was a partner in his relationships.

BertrandRussell · 13/04/2019 18:14

If he’s on the birth certificate he gets automatic parental responsibility. You may not want this.

NaturatintGoldenChestnut · 13/04/2019 18:15

I wouldn't. I wouldn't facilitate all the contact and therapy and all that shit, either. He's an adult, let him step up.

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