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See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Do i put the fathers name on my babys birth certificate?

133 replies

emmajayne89 · 13/04/2019 17:16

My partner and I split up towards the end of my first trimester after i discovered he had been having an inappropriate/flirtatious relationship with a female 'friend' of his and he had lied about it throughout our entire relationship. After coming to terms with this he agreed with therapy but he was continuuing to lie to me about things (silly things like his age and what hes doing- pathological lying), so i had to call an end to the relationship.

he wants to be involved in our babys life as much as he can be, so i've said he needs to demonstrate hes taking therapy seriously and hes improving and being truthful to himself and his family and friends and i will incorporate him into the babys life as well as trial coparenting.

The issue is whether i add him to the birth certificate or not. I know I wont restrict his time with our child unless i believe its well justified (and backed up by several impartial views before any changes are made). He is immature in a lot of ways and to an exaggerated level than is acceptable for his age and is currently being combatted in therapy.

What is the right thing to do? Add him because after all he is the father, or dont add him to protect myself from possible drama in the future? I had already advised him that if he can provide proof of payment for therapy then child support doesnt need to be considered unless he gets a promotion/able to afford both.

OP posts:
PurpleCrowbar · 13/04/2019 21:01

It's a bit of an irrelevant argument, because OP can't actually put her ex on the birth certificate - unless they agree to go together to register the birth.

Otherwise, she could just put down the name of any random bloke (Jacob Rees-Mogg, her boyfriend from year 9, the chap in the takeaway down the road...)

Not suggesting you'd would OP!

But basically all the 'OMG you should absolutely put his name on the BC' posts - well, she can't. Unless they agree together that that's what they are doing, & go together.

Otherwise, he'll need to apply separately to be added - which is straightforward enough.

It's not something OP needs to worry about. Not her decision to make.

(& yes, if he does bother to do so, there are ramifications re subsequent decisions eg school choices, travel. But that's unavoidable if he applies to be in the BC. You can't opt out of it really).

SlappingJoffrey · 13/04/2019 21:03

I thought it was implied that he wants to but tbf OP hasn't actually spelled it out.

BertrandRussell · 13/04/2019 21:05

Has anyone any idea why I was deleted? MNHQ?

Original poster
emmajayne89 · 13/04/2019 21:06

SpinneyHill - there are a lot of intricacies that havent been shared on this post, for example it sounds life ive forced him into therapy but the way it went was: - i proposed couples counselling, he agreed. the therapist we spoke to said she only did one to ones (despite the advertising of couples), i spoke with partner and he said he wanted to go on his own because he felt he had a lot of things that he needs help with. I said okay, he proceeded to have counselling, but continued to lie. I ended the relationship due to the pathological lying but he is continuuing with therapy to learn how to be honest, not just with me but his family and his friends and everybody else. We spoke about the issues he was comfortable talking about and we agreed that therapy was very important for him and he'd need it over a decent length of time. so through conversations and with equal agreement we came up with the condition of him keeping it up for at least a year and this is equally as important as it is for him as it is for our daughter.

i hope im articulating myself well enough here. theres a lot of things that have been discussed but there is no abuse, there has not been a raised voice (mental health is mental health).

OP posts:
PCohle · 13/04/2019 21:07

I think you quoted a deleted post?

BitOfFun · 13/04/2019 21:07

The birth certificate is a legal document about parental responsibility, and there is no compelling reason for an unmarried mother to automatically grant this to somebody unreliable and flakey, even if he is the biological father.

Gone are the days of "Father Unknown" being written on it, with the accompanying stigma. It merely lists the parent(s) who will be making decisions about the child's care.

MNHQ
FlissMumsnet · 13/04/2019 21:12

Hi BertrandRussell - no need to worry we deleted your post as it repeated parts of a post we'd deleted upthread.

All is well Gin

PatricksRum · 13/04/2019 21:13

Please don't.
Been there, done that.

BertrandRussell · 13/04/2019 21:15

“I think you quoted a deleted post?”

Oh, did I? I’ve had wine, nachos and Frankie Boyle in between, so I can’t remember!

LassOfFyvie · 13/04/2019 21:44

Gone are the days of "Father Unknown" being written on it, with the accompanying stigma

I'm not sure birth certificates ever said that. The entry would be left blank.

Bluntness100 · 13/04/2019 21:44

And why would anyone care

I've never met a child who doesn't " care".

As said, this isn't about the adults. This is about the child

BitOfFun · 13/04/2019 21:55

Well, it's about parental responsibility, as people have explained, and the father is free to claim it if he's fit to. The child's best interests aren't necessarily best served by the mother voluntarily making him an equal party to decisions around his/her care.

SlappingJoffrey · 13/04/2019 22:05

Precisely. The law changed in December 2003, so the people old enough to have feelings about their dads not being listed are almost all going to have been born before then. So we've not heard much from them yet.

2BthatUnnoticed · 13/04/2019 23:49

OP, I was in your situation and ended up taking advice from a lawyer and child psychologist before deciding.

It is not so much the name being on there that matters, but the legal consequences that follow.

If the father is on there, you will have to write his name on forms for the next 18 years. You want to take your child abroad? You’ll need his consent.

The father has minimal contact but wants his teenage child at his wedding? Your child may be court ordered to go - even if it means missing his school rugby final which makes him distraught.

On the other hand - it may be harder to access child support from a father who is not on the BC.

My child has one parent on his BC (me) and for us, it was 100% the right decision. Zero regrets and my child is happy and surrounded by love.

Coyoacan · 14/04/2019 05:30

Bluntness100 It is only a piece of paper that the child doesn't see until they are old enough to understand. My dd as a teenager would have liked her father's name on her birth cert but understood my reasons for omitting him.

OP, as you can see above I didn't put my ex's name on the birth cert of my dd as I didn't totally trust him to keep her safe. I never denied them a relationship, but would have if I'd felt he was harming her.

My dd had to do the same in turn with the father of my dgd. In this case she eventually did have to stop him having contact with dgd mainly because of his violence, though there were other harmful conducts.

So I am totally in favour of leaving dubious fathers off the birth cert. It has nothing to do with the relationship between father and child and if he proves himself, you can put him on at a later date.

2BthatUnnoticed · 14/04/2019 11:03

OP, I’m a bit alarmed by some of the advice upthread.. saying you should put the name on the BC (I hadn’t RTFT earlier).

It’s understandable that people have strong emotions, but you need to make the decision with your head.

Please be cautious and get advice from impartial people if you need to. My ex wasn’t abusive either, just a bit hopeless. He promised to “be there” for our son.. and disappeared before he was born.

There is no “Father Unknown,” on the BC, just a blank space. You can even photocopy the BC and write the father’s name on the copy (it won’t have any legal effect, just symbolic).

Perhaps also go to Lone Parents and ask them. Many mums have faced this and you’ll get a variety of responses. Also, I’d he turns out to be stable and present, you can add him down the track.

Flowers
2BthatUnnoticed · 14/04/2019 11:07

*if he

PCohle · 14/04/2019 11:08

You can even photocopy the BC and write the father’s name on the copy (it won’t have any legal effect, just symbolic).

Why would you do that - to give to the child? I think at the very least if you choose to leave the father off the birth certificate you should be honest with your child about that. Trying to give them a misleading impression with a "symbolic" photocopy seems a very odd thing to do.

BertrandRussell · 14/04/2019 11:12

How many children ever see their birth certificate? Mine are both adults, and I don’t think they have ever seen theirs.........

BertrandRussell · 14/04/2019 11:16

But I repeat, and will continue to repeat until everyone dies of boredom- if you put his name on the birth certificate it gives him automatic parental responsibility Which means he has an automatic say in any decision you make about your child. Including whether you can take child abroad an holiday, where they go to school and in any medical decisions. It is not simply a record of fact, as some posters have claimed.

PCohle · 14/04/2019 11:20

Mine certainly have. Don't your adult children have possession of their own identity documents?

BertrandRussell · 14/04/2019 11:24

To be honest, they’ve never asked for them and I never thought to give them to them. One still lives at home but the other doesn’t. I’ll hand it over next time I see her!

But my point is that children are unlikely to know that their father’s name isn’t on their birth certificate until they are old enough to have a sensible conversation about why not.

PCohle · 14/04/2019 11:26

Yes I agree. I'm just not sure that unofficially adding the fathers name to a photocopy has any place in a "sensible conversation".

BertrandRussell · 14/04/2019 11:27

“Yes I agree. I'm just not sure that unofficially adding the fathers name to a photocopy has any place in a "sensible conversation".”

God, no!

queenscot · 14/04/2019 11:34

It's interesting it only cost £215 to add paternal rights.

My son's father pays child maintenance but I never put him on the birth certificate. He vanished despite wanting to go on the birth certificate. That is the controlling behaviour, not leaving it blank as they are not committed to the responsibility involved.

My son goes to a top private school on the application form for most private schools almost the first question is the fathers details. Totally embarrassing if you can't contact them and they're not wanting involved. If a man is committed they will pay £215 and they will be there for the child. My ex hasn't found the money for this, but has found the money to change his will when his son was a week old. Do not put yourself through this crap.