Do i put the fathers name on my babys birth certificate?

[emmajayne89]

My partner and I split up towards the end of my first trimester after i discovered he had been having an inappropriate/flirtatious relationship with a female 'friend' of his and he had lied about it throughout our entire relationship. After coming to terms with this he agreed with therapy but he was continuuing to lie to me about things (silly things like his age and what hes doing- pathological lying), so i had to call an end to the relationship.

he wants to be involved in our babys life as much as he can be, so i've said he needs to demonstrate hes taking therapy seriously and hes improving and being truthful to himself and his family and friends and i will incorporate him into the babys life as well as trial coparenting.

The issue is whether i add him to the birth certificate or not. I know I wont restrict his time with our child unless i believe its well justified (and backed up by several impartial views before any changes are made). He is immature in a lot of ways and to an exaggerated level than is acceptable for his age and is currently being combatted in therapy.

What is the right thing to do? Add him because after all he is the father, or dont add him to protect myself from possible drama in the future? I had already advised him that if he can provide proof of payment for therapy then child support doesnt need to be considered unless he gets a promotion/able to afford both.

Thinking about it, I'm not sure I've ever seen my birth certificate and I'm in my mid 30s. I've always used my passport as ID. I guess my parents must've needed the birth certificate for that but I was a child and didn't do the application myself, then when renewing as an adult I haven't needed it. I expect they still have it, and if they didn't then I know precisely where and how to get a copy. But I just don't remember ever being asked for it.

Haven’t rtwt... but... baby needs to have your surname. Double barrel if you like, but it really should have your surname somewhere. So many people berated me for double barrelling (even though they sound great together!) at the time, lots of people told me the traditional and ‘done’ thing to do would be to give DD his surname... well after being together 5 yrs before we split when she wasn’t even 1, after being dramatic about needing to be on BC, after never paying a penny for 13 years or ever seeing her since the day he threw us out, the evil Xmil told me if I wanted to send DD to an all girls high school (where DD wanted to go) then I would have to fight them in court!
Well DD couldn’t pick her father out of a line up! But being on BC allowed him to have an opinion on what school she went to? Errr no I don’t think so!
Not only this but the BC and PR has been and continues to be used as a threat against me as it’s the only bit of power xmil has- not even her father, but her so called nan. It’s all bull.
He didn’t know which primary she went to, doesn’t even know which pizza toppings she likes let alone anything else!

So on reflection, I would say don’t put dad’s name on it- it can be added later when he proves himself. It can’t be taken off if he turns out to be a twat. Of course I hope he’s not, but you need to put you and baby first.

Thank you Bertrand, exactly. Please don’t stop saying it.

PCohle my child has an absent father. Despite my own misgivings, I nearly put his name on the BC due to well-intended advice from people with your views.

However, those people were not in the passport office when I had to travel urgently and needed my son’s passport the same day.

Nor were they in the hospital when my son was desperately ill and the hospital wanted consents signed for open surgery.

I was on my own and both situations were hard. But they would have been far worse, even impossible, if my son’s father was on the BC.

These scenarios are among the reasons I urge caution in this scenario.

The only reason to add the name (other than possibly child support) seems to be... well what if, hypothetically, your child one day looks at the piece of paper, sees a blank space, and hypothetically feels sad.

The only reason to add the name (other than possibly child support) seems to be... well what if, hypothetically, your child one day looks at the piece of paper, sees a blank space, and hypothetically feels sad.

That is my my reasoning at all. Not adding the father to the birth certificate doesn't prevent any of the scenarios you've outlined. The father can still absolutely get PR. By refusing to add his name to the birth certificate all you achieve is making is mildly harder for him at the cost of immediately undermining he prospects of an amicable and cooperative co-parenting relationship.

I think the large number of posts making out that if OP refuses to add him to the birth certificate she can magically avoid having to consider the father's wishes as regard schooling, health care, housing etc are somewhat misleading.

*That is not my reasoning

Well I didn’t mean to portray a photocopy as the real BC.. Given the real one is in pretty colours and ink signed, it should be obvious which is which innit?

I haven’t done it but I can see why some might find it a comfort.

But I would not list the father on the BC, purely to avoid the hypothetical sadness caused by the child seeing the blank space.
Do not potentially sentence yourselves to 18 years of admin headache over a hypothetical!

Of course you need to be honest but age-appropriate about it all.. it’s probably easier for my child in a way as he grew up

“The father can still absolutely get PR.”

He can. But it is not just a box ticking exercise, and it can be refused. And many fathers would not go to the trouble of going through the process.

If he's a responsible caring parent, he will care enough to seek parental responsibility himself.

If he's a controlling vindictive arsehole, he will care enough to seek parental responsibility himself.

Either way, you have no obligation to make it automatic for him.

Firstly he has to come with you to do it anyway.

Secondly, I find it awful that father's aren't put on when the mother knows who they are. You book and appointment with him that he can attend. If he doesn't show then fair enough but if he does he goes on it.

PCohle ... sorry to break it to you but some fathers (and presumably mothers) truly disappear. And no amount of asking, inviting, sending cute photos, minimising your child’s needs to make it enticing to see them, can make them show up. It is heart breaking but true.

Do you get that?

It was not my getting the BC without him which “undermined the prospects of a cooperative and amicable coparenting relationship.”

It was him fading away and changing his phone no. FFS.

There is currently a thread in legal where the child's father has taken their child against their agreement, and the police can do nothing because he has PR. Imagine that scenario with a newborn. Yes he can go to court and get PR anyway but it will take a while and at least when newly post partum OP won't have to worry about him trying to exercise his 'rights' in ways that make life difficult for her.

Yes of course I understand that. What have I said that gives you the impression I don't?

I am certainly not saying putting the father on the birth certificate guarantees a great co-parenting relationship. Just that refusal doesn't support amicability and cooperation from the off.

The father would have to turn up with the OP to register the birth to allow himself to be put on the birth certificate anyway. A truly disengaged father therefore isn't going to be put on the birth certificate at all.

“Secondly, I find it awful that father's aren't put on when the mother knows who they are.”

Whtever he’s like? Really?

Yes Blue is right. This is honestly not about punishing the father or being mean or anything. If we’re all doom-glooming over nothing and he turns into a stellar father (I hope he does)... you can add him at any time.

But if you add him now and he vanishes? = 18 years of headache.

Wow, some people really don’t have a clue.

If this guy ends up taking you to Court, you will get torn to shreds with this attitude.

You can’t restrict contact just because he fails to meet your standards. You can’t dictate that he goes to therapy. Your child has a right to a full relationship with their father, unless that father presents an actual, observable and significant risk to the child.

By all means don’t put him on the certificate, but if he takes you to court he will get added.

There is no 'will' about it. He probably would succeed, but it isnt inevitable and I have seen cases where PR hasn't been granted by the court. It isnt a very high barrier they have to meet, but nor is it nothing.

“If this guy ends up taking you to Court, you will get torn to shreds with this attitude.”

No she won’t. The father will just be given parental responsibility if the Court considers it appropriate.

@AltogetherAndrews you dont have a clue what you are talking about. Not being on the BC does not affect access it's about parental responsibility. The OP has never said she wishes to restrict access... she is rightly cautious about handing parental responsibility to someone whom she does not trust.
Of course if he applies to court he would probably get on the birth certificate.
The issue is that if you go out of your way to arrange the father coming with you to sign the birth certificate when you dont really trust him it could end up a nightmare for you and your child.
He could disappear completely making it hard for you to get his permission for medical situations or leaving the country.... he could turn out to be a bellend who has very little to do with the child but will not grant permission for anything out of spite, he could use it to control and abuse you both...
It's not something that any sane woman should facilitate unless they trust them!
The law is set up like this to protect women and chikdren from these situations.
It's not about spite or getting revenge.
And the court would not 'tear her to shreds' for not personally inviting him to sign the BC with her because she is not legally required to do so. It's entirely up to her.

As a mother who has never been able to take her teenage children abroad, I say don’t put him on the BC if you think there’s a chance he’ll either disappear or be difficult about you taking your child on holiday/moving house/medical decisions etc.
We have a non-contact order in place against my abusive ex and I have been told I could get a court order allowing me to take the kids abroad but not without them contacting him for permission first. I quite honestly cannot go through the trauma of having to go to court ever again and also cannot afford the risk of him seeing documents with our address on etc. Ridiculous system. Parental responsibility is not taken away very easily (even in my situation where he is not allowed to contact his own children so what’s the point in him having PR!) and therefore should not be given so easily either

I haven’t read all the responses but you got pregnant by this man. He IS the father. He should therefore be on the birth certificate. Think it’s disgusting that you would consider doing otherwise. You made your bed with him!

Add him, it's for your child they deserve to know the name of their parents. If he remains around great, if not your child at least knows their origins

That's some shit parenting you're recommending OP engage in foxmuffin. The decision should be made in the child's best interests, not out of some idiotic you made your bed so you lie in it mentality. I appreciate that there are some arguments for including him that are made in an attempt to prioritise the childs welfare: I think the stuff about feeling sad about a gap is misguided, but it comes from the right place. You aren't.

“Add him, it's for your child they deserve to know the name of their parents.”
Presumably the mother could-you know- tell the child their father’s name?

For goodness sakes, if people can’t RTFT (or at least OP’s updates) why bother.. I am way over invested clearly.

And yes.. you can tell your child their father’s name (gasp!) and answer any questions they have (omg!) without giving someone the same parental authority as you have. Only for them to then disappear in a puff of smoke and reappear every few years to wreak havoc before vanishing again.

PCohle yes I may have been a bit testy. Apologies.