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Original poster

Do i put the fathers name on my babys birth certificate?

133 replies

emmajayne89 · 13/04/2019 17:16

My partner and I split up towards the end of my first trimester after i discovered he had been having an inappropriate/flirtatious relationship with a female 'friend' of his and he had lied about it throughout our entire relationship. After coming to terms with this he agreed with therapy but he was continuuing to lie to me about things (silly things like his age and what hes doing- pathological lying), so i had to call an end to the relationship.

he wants to be involved in our babys life as much as he can be, so i've said he needs to demonstrate hes taking therapy seriously and hes improving and being truthful to himself and his family and friends and i will incorporate him into the babys life as well as trial coparenting.

The issue is whether i add him to the birth certificate or not. I know I wont restrict his time with our child unless i believe its well justified (and backed up by several impartial views before any changes are made). He is immature in a lot of ways and to an exaggerated level than is acceptable for his age and is currently being combatted in therapy.

What is the right thing to do? Add him because after all he is the father, or dont add him to protect myself from possible drama in the future? I had already advised him that if he can provide proof of payment for therapy then child support doesnt need to be considered unless he gets a promotion/able to afford both.

OP posts:
Ribbonsonabox · 13/04/2019 18:19

@KaterinaPetrova no in order for the father to be on the certificate he has to go in with the mother and sign it. Unless they are married in which case one parent can sign for both.
It's not just a listing of biological parents it's an indicator of who has parental responsibility for the child legally. It's a very bad idea to have someone you do not trust sign it with you.

keepingspiritsup · 13/04/2019 18:21

Wow OP what an example to set your child - by punishing their father. Of course you should put him on he is the FATHER - you said you want him involved in the babies life and will also accept child support from him!! So you can't have it both ways!

PCohle · 13/04/2019 18:25

I would.

He can have himself added to the birth certificate later if he applies to court anyway. All refusing to facilitate it yourself will do is set off your co-parenting relationship on a confrontational, uncooperative footing.

In my view a birth certificate is a legal document that should accurately reflect the circumstances of your child birth. It shouldn't be used as a weapon between parents.

How would you feel if you had to demonstrate your worthiness as a mother to your ex or else go to court before you were legally recognised as your own child's mother?

PerspicaciaTick · 13/04/2019 18:34

He would need to attend the registration appointment with you.
You can very easily re-register your child's birth at a later stage (right into adulthood) by filling in a simple form and attending a registrar appointment together.
He can contact GRO and get himself added against your wishes if he goes down the route of court orders and DNA.
Personally I think the father should be on the certificate, it should be a statement of fact, not a moral judgement on his parenting. However I know it can complicate life, so it is your call.

Gingerkittykat · 13/04/2019 18:40

What country are you in? I'm curious because the rule about therapy and child support would not apply in the UK.

queenscot · 13/04/2019 18:41

@Ribbonsonabox is spot on. If he is committed he will get on it.

I am incredibly grateful for advice not to put my ex on my son's birth certificate. He vanished and likes to be incredibly secret, which is fine, but not if they have paternal rights for schools, medical and for going abroad. My son's father wanted to be on the birth certificate and I think I've seen him once in Waitrose since, he ignored me!

sue51 · 13/04/2019 18:52

I agree with Ribbonsonabox. He can get himself added to the birth certificate and show some commitment to his child. He has been severely lacking in it so far.

Quietlife333 · 13/04/2019 18:59

I wouldn’t. Sign it yourself and if he wants to put his name on later then he can apply to do that. He has proven himself to be a liar. You don’t want to be chained to this man.

Lamaha · 13/04/2019 18:59

I'm not sure how it works in the UK -- assuming that's where you're based. Does being on the BC automatically mean you have joint custody?

My son has a daughter and was never married to the mum; they split up when the baby was about 3. He is on the birth certificate but the mother refused to give him joint custody, she is Austrian and that is the law there; it's not automatic.

Son is a fantastic father and would have married her but she didn't want to, has hippie-ish notions of freedom. And because he doesn't have any say, she took off when the kid was 3 and took her to China for three years. Then the child was in the way of what she wanted to do so she sent her to stay with my son for a year -- in South America. She was seven and just starting school.. It went really, really well. He returned her to mum after a year and mum had custody again and went to live in Berlin but didn't like it and moved to Austria and hates it even more there, wants to move on. So now there's talk of sending the poor kid back to Dad for a while, to go to school in Ireland. We are all very keen to have her here.

This is of course irrelevant to the OP's dilemma but by now the kid has lived in five different countries, and Ireland will be the sixth (the one advantage is that she is basically trilingual now). All because there is no joint custody which of course is in the mum's interest as DS would never gave allowed her to swan off to China.

That's why my original question, birth certificate registration might not necessarily mean custody, unless that is UK law. I assume it is, judging by the replies above!

Austrian law is terrible for the dad if they are not married. He can only get joint custody if the mum applies for it; but he has to be on the bc (by law) and pay maintenance.

Both in Austria and Germany they also oversee dad's maintenance payments, and if he can't, or doesn't, pay, he accumulates a debt from social services! Which is a good thing as I think it makes men a little more conscious of their responsibility, both in birth control as in parental duty and involvement.

Sorry for the long rant derail. It's the wine! Grin

Ohfuhfoxsake · 13/04/2019 19:01

I didn’t. Added him later.

The DC also have my name.

1Rose19 · 13/04/2019 19:02

You could not get pregnant without that man.
What gives you the higher hand to decide should his name be there or not ? Your child might grow up more closer to the father than you.
You both have equal rights when it comes to being parent you being a mother and him being a father. You cannot be a father and he cannot be a mother.
His name should be there he is the dad off!

Lamaha · 13/04/2019 19:04

correction: Austrian law is terrible for the dad if they are not married and he wants to be responsibly involved.

Bluestitch · 13/04/2019 19:04

What gives you the higher hand to decide should his name be there or not ?

The law does.

PanamaPattie · 13/04/2019 19:13

Don't put him on. Use your surname. He's already shown to be a waster and a liar. He framing up to be a typical dead-beat dad. Why would you want him in your lives?

Branleuse · 13/04/2019 19:15

if you put his name on there its a disaster waiting to happen

BertrandRussell · 13/04/2019 19:15

“I'm not sure how it works in the UK -- assuming that's where you're based. Does being on the BC automatically mean you have joint custody?”

No. But it does mean he has parental responsibility.

zippey · 13/04/2019 19:20

A birth certificate is as factual as stating the sex of the child. The biological fathers name should be put on as should the biological mothers. Not doing for selfish reasons is just... selfish. Be the bigger person.

DancingRaven · 13/04/2019 19:20

No, I wouldn't.

Natsku · 13/04/2019 19:22

Don't do it. Let him prove he wants to be involved and actually be a dad and then he can apply to have his name added to it. If you add him now and he decides to fuck off then you'll have problems if you want to travel abroad or things like that. If you didn't think there was a chance of this you wouldn't be questioning it so trust your instincts.

BertrandRussell · 13/04/2019 19:23

“A birth certificate is as factual as stating the sex of the child.”

No it isn’t. It is giving the father parental responsibility. That is a big deal ans not to be done without careful consideration.

justasking111 · 13/04/2019 19:27

A friend of mine, his ex partner would not put him on the certificate or acknowledge he was the father because it would affect her benefits. It was easier to claim she said rather than rely on him for money. He was very upset by this.

Bluntness100 · 13/04/2019 19:29

It's not about you or him, it's about your child and what an awful thing, to deny your child their fathers name on the birth certicate and write father unknown instead.

How you both co parent is a different story, but think of your child growing up with father unknown when you did know.

Jaffacakebeast · 13/04/2019 19:29

Wasn’t there a thread the other day, shitty dad cancelling kid hospital app, if you think he’s going to be no good y would you risk it? They can be dicks about all sorts, not just passports.

BertrandRussell · 13/04/2019 19:30

You can tell your child who it’s father is, you know! And it doesn’t say father unknown- it just leaves it blank. And why would anyone care?

RepealTheGRA · 13/04/2019 19:37

Don’t do it.

Listen to Bertrand and Ribbons

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