Do i put the fathers name on my babys birth certificate?

[emmajayne89]

My partner and I split up towards the end of my first trimester after i discovered he had been having an inappropriate/flirtatious relationship with a female 'friend' of his and he had lied about it throughout our entire relationship. After coming to terms with this he agreed with therapy but he was continuuing to lie to me about things (silly things like his age and what hes doing- pathological lying), so i had to call an end to the relationship.

he wants to be involved in our babys life as much as he can be, so i've said he needs to demonstrate hes taking therapy seriously and hes improving and being truthful to himself and his family and friends and i will incorporate him into the babys life as well as trial coparenting.

The issue is whether i add him to the birth certificate or not. I know I wont restrict his time with our child unless i believe its well justified (and backed up by several impartial views before any changes are made). He is immature in a lot of ways and to an exaggerated level than is acceptable for his age and is currently being combatted in therapy.

What is the right thing to do? Add him because after all he is the father, or dont add him to protect myself from possible drama in the future? I had already advised him that if he can provide proof of payment for therapy then child support doesnt need to be considered unless he gets a promotion/able to afford both.

If you put the father in the birth certificate, this is what it means “ [He] will also have the right to make decisions about the child’s care and upbringing. Important decisions in a child’s life must be agreed with anyone else who has parental responsibility.

If [he has]parental responsibility for a child then [he] will have a say in:

The name of your child
How your child is educated
Their religious upbringing, if any
Medical treatment
Where and with whom they live
Whether and when they may travel abroad (permanently or temporarily)

The medical stuff is really important - if you can't trust him you don't want him having a say in medical treatment. My DD's dad was able to stop her getting psychiatric treatment after trauma which had a long term impact, only did it to be a dick.

Yep. And on a more trivial note- do you want him being able to veto a holiday?

Or a house move?

This is important stuff. In the olden days when mine were little, if you were unmarried you had to go to a solicitor for the father to get parental responsibility. Now women are handing it to crap men without a second thought.

Not putting him on the birth certificate won't prevent him having any of those rights though. Just make it harder and more expensive for him to gain PR.

The OP isn't going to be able to stop him having a say in their child's medical treatments or house moves, regardless of whether or not she trusts him.

"if he can provide proof of payment for therapy then child support doesnt need to be considered unless he gets a promotion/able to afford both."

It's more important for a father to support his chilid than it is for him to get therapy which is very unlikely to change him anyway. Don't let him get away with not paying for his baby.

“The OP isn't going to be able to stop him having a say in their child's medical treatments or house moves, regardless of whether or not she trusts him.”
But he will have to go to court to get it. Putting him on the birth certificate just hands it to him.

My friends girlfriend just said she did not know who the dad was and refused a DNA test. To be honest who wants an ex. breathing down your neck for 18 years.

Don't put him on the birth certificate.

Wait, and if he turns out to be a responsible parent he will be able to apply to the court to go on the bc.
Agree with Bertrand there's no point in giving him rights to to make decisions about the child’s care and upbringing unless he's first proved he's capable of being responsible.

The PP on this thread that are saying that you should put his name on the BC have clearly never had to deal with an abusive and controlling ex.

So you will allow him to be in babies life but not make any decisions because he lies?

What do you think his therapist will say about the level of control you are trying to exercise?

Why mention maintenance if you are keeping him off birth certificate to restrict his parenting?

Why did you get pregnant by this man if he is so repugnant to you?

If he takes you to court and they ask why you kept him off your childs certificate you will not look like a good mum you will look like a controlling ex
You're carrying his child, like it or not that doesn't give you the right to control him to this extent, if you were a man trying to restrict a mums parenting because of the reasons you list you would have been torn apart

Are you a man by any chance SpinneyHill?

"The PP on this thread that are saying that you should put his name on the BC have clearly never had to deal with an abusive and controlling ex."

There is no evidence this man is abusive or controlling. If anything the OP is the one who is trying to control the rights he has over his own child.

There is no reason he would be unable to apply to court for a declaration of parentage as soon as OP registers the birth, no matter what sort of parent/ex he later turns out to be.

Nope.
But I did always think men who claim they were kept off birth certificate to restrict them from having any input in their childs life because they cheated were liars. Turns out I was wrong apparently lies and being immature are enough of a reason to deny a child their dads name on their birth certificate and 'Father Unknown' is fine.

My little one will have my surname and that has been discussed with ex though i have agreed i would consider his surname if he could come up with a valid reason into why i should.

If i don't put him on the certificate (which i am leading towards) then he will have to trust that i will make the right decisions for our daughter. He has said he trusts me on this as i'm a very honest and reliable person. He has no reason not to trust me but i have absolutely every reason to not trust him. I feel i am being fair with him by giving him the chance to prove he wants to help himself to be a better person for his daughter. I have also said I will restrict him if i feel he isnt trying.

Not putting him on the birth certificate is not going to make any change to his involvement with our child, his behaviour moving forward will as i am fully aware of how beneficial it will be for our daughter to have a father. But what i feel is more important is a father and mother who are amicable and work as a team when concerning parenting-no using the child against one another. I know I wont be like this, unfortunately i do not feel confident this is going to be the case on his part. which will be more damaging to our child should there be some unnecessary upheaval in the future.

thank you so much for all of your comments! seriously I really do appreciate it. and a few of you mentioned that he should demonstrate his want to become a parent and go through the courts should be want equal responsibility and i think thats brilliant. he isnt cut off completely from legal responsibility because he will have that option, and that would demonstrate his level of seriousness on this matter so I will most welcome this action should he do it off of his own back (i dont see it happening BUT i love to be proven wrong!).

As this was a planned pregnancy and ive come to the realisation it was all planned under false pretenses I believe I am entitled to more control of the situation as I have been the responsible adult knowing the impact on my life having a child will have, and he is completely oblivious.

I am in the UK so with the father not being on the birth certificate he would only be entitled to equal parental rights if we were married or he takes it to court.

He's gone to therapy cause OP demanded it over him lying and people are screaming about him being controlling and abusive?
He's made more effort to appease his pregnant ex then most would and he's still being slagged off on the internet

Of course you should put him on he is the FATHER - you said you want him involved in the babies life and will also accept child support from him!! So you can't have it both ways!

Yes she can. She can absolutely receive child support from a father who isn't on the birth certificate, and there are women who do.

In answer to the OPs question, putting the father on the birth certificate when you're not married gives them parental responsibility, and this is a big fucking deal. You should not do this, when it's within your control, unless you feel confident that it won't ever be used in a way that's detrimental to your child. he may of course get it anyway, but that would be the decision of the court.

It's vital that you understand the birth certificate as this rather than some kind of prize for the dad or record for the child. Pay zero attention to people who don't have their dad on their birth certificate and are upset about it. They may mean well, but if they're old enough to be posting on here, they were born before being listed on the birth certificate conferred automatic parental responsibility, so they don't get it.

Whats the legality of keeping him off the birth certificate as a ransom?

It only costs £215 to get parental responsibility and if he shows this thread (which OP will obviously have let him see due to honesty) then it will be given immediately. I hope he sends his therapy money on it.

Seriously who gives a shit if their dad told lies to their mum before they were born, if you're happy for him to be present in babies life then there is no excuse for this beyond you wanting to feel that you have the control

It's legal for an unmarried mother not to consent to the father being on the birth certificate for whatever reason she likes. He can of course apply to the court for an order, which may well be granted, although the court's reaction to being shown this thread would likely be one of bemusement.

I would also like to add, my ex is not abusive. I am not usually controlling, though whether or not its due to being pregnant but I am controlling of the situation i am in currently because I feel it is my responsibility to look after my baby.

my ex is currently having a mental crisis and i dont believe he is able to look after himself properly at the moment. And i dont believe he will be able to cope with parenting especially a newborn (again i would love to be proven wrong and we shall see) but our daughter will know who her father is and if there is a valid reason for him to be removed from her life, i will explain that to her because it would be due to a valid reason and not just 'hes a crap partner'.

i am fully aware that our relationship is insignificant in comparison to this baby so grudges and heartbreak dont have any part in the decisions going forward. But any thing that I can do to help protect my child on a legal basis I feel I have the responsibility to do.

But what i feel is more important is a father and mother who are amicable and work as a team when concerning parenting-no using the child against one another.

Isn't that exactly what you are doing though? Your actions don't actually achieve anything because, as you acknowledge, he can just go to court. All you are doing is making his life needlessly difficult and forcing him to jump though hoops. That doesn't strike me as an amicable and cooperative start to a co-parenting relationship.

Achieving the parenting relationship you claim you want requires effort and compromise on the part of both parents. Insisting that he prove himself to you doesn't sound like you're going into this with that attitude.

If he takes you to court and they ask why you kept him off your childs certificate you will not look like a good mum you will look like a controlling ex

What is your evidence for this? As they are unmarried OP couldn't put him on the birth certificate unless he attended registration with her anyway, and she is legally entitled to register the child alone.