How would you feel about having a male midwide

[Lardlizard]

Just interested in the points of view

What a really disheartening thread. As a woman who was sexually abused and raped for many years of my childhood I would not have wanted a male midwife at all.

It was very important to me to have a female midwife, her presence helped me cope with the male obstetricians, who were involved in the birth of my first child.

In this thread I have read posts that have implied that not wanting a male midwife is similar to declining a black midwife or a female mechanic, and that if you are happy to have a lesbian midwife then you should be happy to have a male one. Unbelievable comparisons.

I have also read a post that was concerned that male midwives would be upset to find out that women may have an issue with intimate care from a man.

I have read numerous posts telling women that their assessments of the risk that men pose to them are wrong and that their fear of some men is unfounded. I know that most men will not sexually assault me but my own experience informs me that a significant number will and that is nearly impossible to tell who will. I am unable to ignore the evidence of my experiences.

One poster stated that they could not understand why anyone would have an issue with a male midwife unless they have experienced sexual assault. Whilst I appreciate this understanding of the trauma responses that sexual assault survivors often have, it actually makes me feel that the problem lies with me (even if it was not caused by me) and that my responses are not normal. However, in reality, I do not think that it is abnormal for most women to want bodily autonomy and boundaries and to then respond when these boundaries are completely disregarded or assaulted..

I do not wish to feel as though I need to explain the reasons for preferring a female HCP, as amongst other things, it would be an invasion of my privacy.

Equally, I do wish to feel as though I am abnormal because of my need for female care when I feel vulnerable. I grew up feeling deeply different and ashamed and I don't want to keep feeling this way, so I would much prefer to be amongst many other women who are requesting female midwives, for the completely usual reasons of control of their boundaries and bodily autonomy.

Although I was ok having a male midwife I would not allow a male nurse to do a smear test. I feel that birth has traditionally been a more 'public' occasion than an intimate examination. I've been a doula for a friend but wouldn't provide intimate care for a friend. That said, I have complete sympathy with any woman who only wants a female midwife; your boundaries are yours to decide.

@Moralitym1n1 ok maybe I've just been lucky. Sounds like you're quite bitter about the experience which makes me sad for you. I had an amazing experience with all involved in my labour and afterwards for all those things you mentioned so probably why I don't mind a male I guess.

Yes it is; because they a mention their pregnancies, births, breast feeding etc experiences at some point.

Hmm nope. Never once had a mw mention any of those things. I assume that in team midwifery in 2 pregnancies at least some of them must have had children and in the second pregnancy a mw who had been a complete cow to me first time was pregnant but I have no idea whether that was her first or not.

I had a male midwife for both pregnancies, didn’t bother me a jot, even the multiple sweeps .

I totally respect the right of any woman to choose a female HCP without question btw. Just because I would be fine with a male I appreciate others don’t feel the same.

In my first pregnancy I had a membrane sweep performed by a male doctor. He was chaperoned by a HCA. I didn’t mind, but I wasn’t given the option of a female.

I don't care at all. Half of the hospital has seen me naked by now (and put a speculum in me) and I'm totally fine with it, male or female. I would however support women who feel too vulnerable to be cared for by a man.

I think I would be more uncomfortable with a trainee tbh...

I had s male midwife for the birth of my ds 20 years ago. 2 years before I'd had a stillborn daughter and my ds had a few health worries at birth. My male midwife was brilliant support to me during this time. I had no issues with him being male. Nor my male gynaecologist for my hysterectomy a few years ago.

However, this is what suited me. It's a very personal choice and respect women who choose not to.

I don't think midwives should be talking about their own experiences

I agree. One of the GPs at our surgery does this and between appointments us and the kids have had have had we feel like we know her and her families whole medical history.

One of the loveliest midwives I had, was recently qualified, very young and didn't have children of her own. I don't think they need to have had children to be good, I think they just need to listen, keep you informed of what's happening and be caring. She was all of those things and I felt more comfortable with her than many that had their own children.

A couple of years ago I was supportive of male midwives whilst being very clear it should always be up to the mother. Since then I've seen the naked misogyny of a male medical professional made public with no censure until multiple women made complaints to the GMC, I've acknowledged to myself my male GP when I was a child touched me inappropriately and realised I would not be happy with a male midwi I just felt like I should be.

There was a trainee male midwife on the ward when I had my second child. I absolutely hated being touched by him but because he was very pleasant and seemed lovely, I felt obliged to accept him because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. This was several years ago and now I hope I would be stronger and be able to remind myself that his feelings shouldn't actually matter more than mine. Unfortunately we are, as a society, taught that women have no real right to their own feelings and the only feelings that really matter are men's feelings.

However, having said that, I don't suppose he'd have been any worse than the female midwives, many of whom were severely lacking in compassion.

Why can't you just accept that as being their choice?

I'm perfectly accepting of that choice so please don't put words into my mouth when obviously you mean other posters

My issue is women clearly not being given a real choice if they're only asked once they're in labour. That isn't a choice. Especially when the alternative means pulling another midwife from another labouring woman who could have been with her for hours, and that woman potentially being put in the same uncomfortable situation

ChickenonaMug great post and I agree. I would have been prepared for flawed (and offensive) analogies comparing Black women and/or lesbians to men (seriously?!) in AIBU... but not here.

FWIW I’ve been fortunate not to experience sexual abuse or rape. Regardless of that, I have always requested female HCP where relevant, and I always will.

You are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you. No one needs to explain, or apologise for their own position on this.

I will not have a male midwife and I write it in my birth plan each time. I don't feel any shame or guilt in doing so.

The role of a midwife is a world apart from that of other HCPs. A male obstetrician is not an issue for me.

A midwife's role is, for want of a better word, more intimate.
In my last labour my midwife guided me through a panicky stage of my labour by gently stroking my leg, holding my eye contact and breathing with me. It was a very intense, beautiful experience of care.

There's no way I would have coped if that midwife had been a man.

Given that there are only about 150 male registered midwives in the UK (and many are in academia/management/non clinical) I'm baffled that so many MNers have received care from them! Granted it's the sort of thread title that jumps out for comment if you've experienced it, but have all their patients descended on this thread?

As a midwife myself I'm torn on this. I'm not hugely keen on the idea of men in midwifery as I feel birth is an inherently female sphere, and many many women would not feel comfortable. It's a vastly different role to an obstetrician. However there are also some excellent male midwives I know of, whose academic work in particular I admire. I can understand why some men are drawn to the field.

I certainly wouldn't choose a male midwife, but I would likely be fine with it in certain contexts. I'd probably be fine with one catching my baby. Breastfeeding support and helping deal with day 3 engorgement and baby blues? Hell no.

Chicken, there are many of us here who hear what you are saying, it is beyond my understanding that people do not have the empathy to understand why some women would need a female midwife.

I think most posters understand and support the fact that some women might only want female midwives.

Why can't the posters who would only accept a female midwife equally understand that some women would be happy to have either and some women would prefer a male midwife?

Surely the issue is about supporting women and their choices?

I don't judge anyone for wanting only female midwives so why is it ok for anyone to judge my choices?

Apologies for a deletion of my comment being considered necessary on P2. I referred to, albeit colloquially, Stonewall’s own definition of male bodied people choosing to wear clothes generally considered to be appropriate for female bodied people according to society’s gender roles

I entirely understand why women should want a woman only midwife. And should be allowed to assert that preference. My point is that the maternity healthcare I received before during and after my DD's birth was so shoddy (upheld at a complaint I was only strong enough to make 3 years after) that it was about the quality of the midwife not the sex of the midwife . I certainly think the sex of the midwife could be an issue but I felt my experience was damaged by poor care .

“I certainly think the sex of the midwife could be an issue but I felt my experience was damaged by poor care “
That’s appalling- but for a different thread, surely? Nobody is suggesting either that all woman midwives are good at their job, or that a bad woman midwife is preferable to a good man.

I gave birth 27 years ago and the only time I felt uncomfortable was when I was back on the ward breastfeeding and the very lovely male nurse asked if I was okay breastfeeding for some reason it made me feel vulnerable and I couldn’t engage with him , he was so nice I still can’t understand my reaction

My point @BertrandRussell , is that provision of female only midwives does not trump good quality care. If my hospital dared to say to me "at least all our midwives were women " that wouldn't get them out of providing decent care. Choice of the sex of midwives is very important and a male midwife shouldn't be imposed on a woman who doesn't want it. However, in my own experience, it may well have been safer and cleaner had I given birth in a barn surrounded by wolves.

While having a female midwife shouldn't be seen as a luxury, provision of decent care (if you are forced to choose) must be more important.

Interesting views some of you have. I wonder if you would say the same if the topic was "how would you feel about having a jewish/black midwife?"

I think the undertone of ‘I Had a male midwife and he was soooo much better than the female’ is probably what has got a few people’s backs up. The majority of posts giving positive accounts of the care they received from the men have got a negative about a women in them