I've said this before in connection with rape fantasies. I can understand on an intellectual level the reasons why women have fantasies about "being raped" (scare quotes because often the fantasy is actually about being overwhelmed by uncontrollable passion - though I have talked to women who have said their fantasy genuinely is about real rape). There are various reasons (metaphor for overwhelming passion, processing past abuse but taking control of the narrative, a kind of Stockholm syndrome in a society where rape is ubiquitous, where you can't escape your abuse so recast it as erotic) why women have these fantasies.
My understanding of the nature of rape fantasies, which as I sure you know are extremely common and do not of course indicate a desire to be raped, includes the following thoughts;
Re a strong desire to be ravished, enjoyed, overwhelmed. This desire can be misinterpreted as masochism but it does not necessarily have anything to do with masochism at all.
This fantasy can, at one level, be about wishing to be in control, in possession of all one needs and, and this is very important, not feeling needy / not needing to own desire. Feeling desire makes one vulnerable. Experiencing desire for an “other” makes one feel incomplete, lacking.
If you examine advertisements for chocolates and biscuits that are targeted primarily at women, this fantasy can be seen very clearly. All advertisements use deeply unconscious desires (usually sexual desires) to sell us stuff we don’t need. This is the nature of advertising and of capitalism. The reason that chocolate advertisements are of special interest is that the products are harmful to health and do not have much in the way of redeeming features, other than they give pleasure to the consumer. The usual use of unconscious sexual imagery therefore tends to be much more overt and noticeable than for healthy / useful products.
For example, in this advertisement a woman takes sensual enjoyment in eating chocolate while ignoring the phone calls from a would be suitor. The desire in the advertisement is placed in the male actor. He wants her. He is waiting in a car, puzzled as to why she does not answer the phone. He appears frustrated. The female does not need to experience desire, she is in possession of a phallic shaped chocolate bar which she enjoys in an overtly sensuous manner. A puma called “Happiness” slides from beneath her bed and strums languorously on a guitar (an instrument possessing both male and female elements). The advertisement depicts a female in possession of both phallic and vulval symbols, enjoying herself in an overtly sensual manner and not needing to feel needy or desire. The male feels desire and is locked out of the female’s experience of pleasure.
This relates to the fantasy of being raped / ravished as in the fantasy desire is located in the man (the “other”) and the female is the subject of overwhelming desire without needing to feel needy or fear rejection. The fantasy is thus narcissistically gratifying (he desires me because I am irresistible) and also feels empowering because it is the male who is out of control and needy, not the female. I make no claims as to whether the fantasy is empowering or not, just that it feels empowering to the woman fantasising.
You can see the same wish of being irresistibly desirable in the narrative of these ads for Impulse body spray
Some would posit that this is all to do with the patriarchy, however I think this theory misses the point, which is that the roots of the fantasy lie in infancy and the relationship with the mother.
Infant observation studies have shown that mothers provide more care and attention to their infants sons than to their infant daughters. Some psychologists have suggested that this is why females tend to crave commitment and to be desired / enjoyed and while males tend to want to be free and do their own thing. The hypothesis is that women are always seeking the care that they did not receive from their mothers and that males tend to get enough of this and instead seek to be free. I am not claiming that this is true for all men and women all of the time (and it may be that studies on infant observation have changed since I undertook my training) but I think it is an interesting hypothesis. It would certainly seem to be validated by chocolate adverts, consider the averts for Yorkie chocolate bar, a chocolate bar targeted at a male demographic.
The Yorkie consumer is not concerned about being desired or owning desire, he just wants to be free and hit the road to do his thing.
This Yorkie ad is interesting given current events
Anyway, the point I want to make is that there are probably as many causal factors in people’s sexual lives and fantasies as there are fish in the sea.
The patriarchy cannot help but influence our lives in all aspects and it is important to acknowledge that, however, when it comes to sexual fantasies and what arouses people there are many factors at play and pre-verbal, infant fantasies and wishes play a large part. I think that analysing everything in terms of early, primitive fantasies is not “the answer” neither is claiming that everything is due to the patriarchy.
The most important issue, at least in my opinion, is that we are able to think playfully, creatively and respectfully about unconscious desires. It is centrally important because if we do not collectively raise our consciousness about our unconscious desires they will be used against us to oppress and control us. In fact this is already happening to a terrifying degree.