‘More acceptance’ of S&M needed

[Imnobody4]

talkradio.co.uk/news/more-acceptance-needed-sm-activities-19032230392
My morning isn't starting well. Haven't heard the programme - not sure I could stand it.

It's not racist.
It comes from an example in a philosophy book.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Notruee_Scotsman

I run a group. We meet often for just drinks and chat. We vet members. Carefully. Anyone in the group doing anything with anyone else in the group, we are sure as we can be that they’re going to be unabusive.

I’ve thrown people out. Just because I got a vibe I didn’t like from them. My group, my playpen. Don’t like it, find another playpen.

I can’t mitigate all risk, but I do my best.

I can be freed pretty much instantly with one word.
Even with my trusted partner, we still do 'drills' to make sure I can be unbound as quickly and efficiently as can be.
I was astounded when I got into the kink scene how much it was talked about before you got your clothes off. Far far more than in non-kink sexual relationships.
This too. The Doms I have met would not scene with me for months. During that time all that took place was talking. The talking actually never stopped once it got past the point of anything physical. We would go back to the same conversations and talk some more. And years later, my Dom and I still talk about the same things.

And when you throw them out do they stop engaging in bdsm? Do you represent the whole community?

agirlhasnonameX Thank you. That means a lot

Jessica - no, I wouldn't do it with someone I have just met. As BankofEngland says, you talk, talk and talk some more.

There is lots of discussion of sexual health too. It is normal and expected to be asked when you were last tested, and if that isnt recent, to be asked to get tested. Even if condoms would be used.

If anyone is abused, it could lead to mental health issues later. The emphasis on sane and not intoxicated, plus lots of discussion, it to try to avoid anyone feeling bad in the future.

Of course I don’t represent the whole community.

When I throw them out I talk with other group leaders / DMs. Some are blackballed. Some aren’t. And I base my decisions on what groups I attend around that.

As I said. I can’t police the whole of kink. But I do my best. I can do no more.

I was astounded when I got into the kink scene how much it was talked about before you got your clothes off. Far far more than in non-kink sexual relationships.
This too. The Doms I have met would not scene with me for months. During that time all that took place was talking. The talking actually never stopped once it got past the point of anything physical. We would go back to the same conversations and talk some more. And years later, my Dom and I still talk about the same things

Same here too.

Aftercare too. Sub drop. And Dom drop (less talked about)

Could it be that this desire to be in very regulated groups with many formal rules, hierarchical leadership structures and long discussions is itself a very specific sexual kink?

It’s almost like a traffic warden approach. I can see why that would imprint on people’s psyche during sexual development in industrialised societies.

And the brushing off of people who don’t engage in that, who participate in bdsm in some other way, of removing them from the definition, is a way of masking that specific traffic warden type kink?

I can’t think of a neutral name for it, like beaureaucratic kink, administrative kink?

Some kinksters do want the capital letters small letters high protocol stuff.

*We can't all decide ourselves what is and isn't illegal, living in a society doesn't work like that.

Women need these safeguards.

If you enjoy them don't prosecute the person doing them to you*

I agree with this too.

Some kinksters do want the capital letters small letters high protocol stuff.
Most of my D/s relationships have been and I don't view it as a separate kink. It's all in the same vein (to me at least).

I don’t do high protocol but I’ve been to some events and they’ve been great.

It's not racist.
It comes from an example in a philosophy book

Ah I see. I wondered what the fascination with Scots citizenship was

Nope, I don't do high protocol. Not my thing.

That’s probably very important to recognise about the subgroup of bdsmers who refer to themselves as the bdsm ‘community.’

Part of their kink is adhering to a set of rules set by, smiled upon by and witnessed to by a community.

Having their behaviour normalised and validated by wider society is core to their kink.

It’s similar to people needing their gender validated.

Bank made a really good point about aftercare. After a scene, lots of Subs (and some Doms) experience a "drop" which is basically the endorphins from being in Subspace - the high from endorphin release and being lost in the feelings of the scene. You then come down from that, and it is really important that a sub is looked after properly at that point. That is likely to affect how they feel about what has happened long term.

I don’t think you can conflate high protocol and trans to be fair. I don’t think they seek validation by use of pronouns etc outside the collar.

Most kinky folks don’t play in public. And would be quite disapproving of those who do.

*That’s probably very important to recognise about the subgroup of bdsmers who refer to themselves as the bdsm ‘community.’

Part of their kink is adhering to a set of rules set by, smiled upon by and witnessed to by a community.

Having their behaviour normalised and validated by wider society is core to their kink.

It’s similar to people needing their gender validated*

That's really interesting. What research is that from?

I was in a community and now I am not. It certainly wasnt about validation as a kink. It was about being safe!

I don't actually care if normal people dislike what I do. I am not in the habit of telling them, so I dont seek validation that way. I am only discussing it here because of BDSM misconceptions giving abusers something to hide behind.

And with that, I am off to watch the Brexit clusterfuck. Goodnight all.

I’m not conflating the two. I’m suggesting a similarity.

And it’s not about doing physical acts in public.

It’s about what drives the need for their sexual rules to be normalised, witnessed, approved of and validated by wider society.

Can you define the wider society you’re talking about?

I’d love to see the research that’s from too. That’s interesting.

I'm 5 pages behind and will probably never catch up so sorry if any of this has been said already.

The most immediate issue is that BDSM has gone mainsteam and there are are a fuckton of physically sadistic men who are hiding behind that label to abuse, rape and kill women. Anybody who is part of that 'community' has a duty to speak out whenever this is used as an excuse to kill or rape or abuse women because it's being done in your name. 'The police just don't understand BDSM properly' butters no parsnips. Tell them, not us.

I am deeply concerned about the way BDSM is framed as a special club with special rules and if anything bad happens it's because the special rules were not understood or followed correctly. How does this help women who are abused by men who self-identify as 'doms'? Why must women rely on the judgment of the True Doms to decide which men are proper doms and which are abusive shits? Why is it OK that men are explaining to women what and where their sexual boundaries should be? Why is the onus on women to join your special lifestyle and learn to recognise your cult-specific 'red flags'?

It's not all about physical abuse either. A 'community' that is set up with the express purpose of eroticising power relations, that has developed an elaborate system of 'unwritten rules' as well as even more elaborate 'protocols' and 'contracts', which are themselves fetishised, is a context that is absolutely ripe for emotional, psychological and financial abuse.

It’s not from research! It’s an attempt to understand what it is posters are saying about why they are part of a scene or community.

Wider society - society beyond the bdsm community.