‘More acceptance’ of S&M needed

[Imnobody4]

talkradio.co.uk/news/more-acceptance-needed-sm-activities-19032230392
My morning isn't starting well. Haven't heard the programme - not sure I could stand it.

I prefer to talk about kink, because BDSM means so many different things and yet it narrows the meaning. .

For example, is the S sadism, or is it submission? Is the D dominance or discipline?

In all honesty, I think there’s a confusion between the 50 shades folks and the people who have been into kink all their lives.

I think kinksters get judged by the actions of the few, not the many.

In terms of needles and fire, I don’t know many who would advocate for their use in mainstream play and I know no one who would advocate choking, apart from one so-called Dom who I used to know who has left the scene because no one would scene with him as a result of his crossing of boundaries and choking without consent. (I never saw him do this, but I’ve heard about it).

But when we say breath play (choking) should mean instant arrest we just get loads of posters coming on to tell us that some women LOVE breathplay (choking) and who are we to police them.

Who makes you an authority to say which acts should be acceptable or not?

The sad thing is that acts such as choking have become pushed into the mainstream and we have women and men thinking it's a normal part of sex.

That judgement against what I do, based upon what some extreme person at the edge does, can be upsetting.
This is what I find too. People in normal relationships aren't judged for having them because some people use relationships to commit violent assaults or emotional/ sexual abuse.
The impression I have is that most people who are into BDSM are into it in a fifty shades Anne Summers handcuffs and bondage tape kind of way.
I wouldn't say this was BDSM at all, in any way.

How are handcuffs and bondage tape not bondage?

If they are not bondage, what are they?

What makes you the authority to say any more than me?

I have experience of BDSM. I have walked it, lived it and I know where I think the limits should be, based on experience. I’m up for discussion of them reasonably, and without having words put in my mouth.

Ann summers handcuffs aren’t bondage.

Bondage tape, as long as it’s proper bondage tape and not duck tape, is definitely fine for bondage. Although rope is more traditional.

Then what are they if they are not bondage?

You can get out of them without a key. They are playing at it.

But when we say breath play (choking) should mean instant arrest we just get loads of posters coming on to tell us that some women LOVE breathplay (choking) and who are we to police them.
Am I on the wrong thread? Absolutely no one here has said that some women love breath play so it should be ok. The posters here into BDSM have all said it is dangerous and they would have no part in it.
How are handcuffs and bondage tape not bondage?
Handcuffs, bondage tape and a copy of 50 shades does not equal BDSM.

I would consider playing at bondage to be a form of bondage.

Could anyone answer my question above? Like, is there some sort of agreed definition of BDSM, because what’s happening on this thread is a lot of ‘that’s not what it is’, so please feel free to clarify. I’ve had friends explain their meaning of it, I’d like those commenting to explain it a bit more so we know what you mean. If you feel like doing so.

I have experience of BDSM. I have walked it, lived it and I know where I think the limits should be, based on experience.

And we all have experience of navigating sex and consent and being a woman in our society.
This doesn't just affect women in the 'kink' scene or whatever you want to call it. We all have to live with the consequences of the image of female sexuality being linked to submission and harmful sexual acts becoming mainstream.

The fact you're a female dom, or that some women get off on it doesn't change the effect and damage it does to women as a class.

A girl, they don’t equal the entirety of bdsm but they are a very popular (I would say the most popular) manifestation of it.

Am I on the wrong thread? Absolutely no one here has said that some women love breath play so it should be ok. The posters here into BDSM

Yeah they did.
Earlier in the thread when the term breath play was brought up, before that people were calling it choking.

I can't be arsed to go through the whole thread and find it but one poster said that not all breath play was choking and some of it was fine.

If they were talking about - in terms of breath play - rebreather masks or gas masks, they are valid in my view ifthe person gets off on the dehumanising aspect the objectification (I personally don’t) but not restrictions to breathing in terms of choking.

The fact you're a female dom, or that some women get off on it doesn't change the effect and damage it does to women as a class.

I think this is an important point, and it reminds me of conversations with people who support the idea prostitution is a valid form of work as women choose it etc none of this happens without it affecting all women and how we are viewed. It also validates an industry/scene that does come with people who abuse and harm, and any support of the sex industry or the BDSM scene normalises it so that those abusers have a lot more opportunity and often, a defence.

I have to admit, although i'd like to know what it actually is for the purposes of moving forward, some of this is giving me the heeby jeebies. The idea of not being able to set myself free... it's making me claustrophobic. I might need to do a runner.

*ApocalypseInABit

Could you describe what BDSM is, as you see and experience it?*

Ok.......I anticipate getting ripped to bits but I will.

For me, it is about discussing with a partner what activities we like and don't like. How far we feel comfortable going within those activities, and where we draw the line.

So you end up with a mental list of things you enjoy, and the extent to which you do.

You agree what words to use to indicate "slow down a bit" or whatever, and a word which makes everything stop. Like a traffic light system.

That describes how you decide the things you will do.

But the REAL Dom/Sub stuff is mental. In real life, my partners and I have been absolute equals, erring towards me being the bossy one. But sexually, what I need is very different.

I need to lose myself, to not think, to not be in control, to just feel. And trusting someone enough to give me pleasure within our parameters, to feel utterly safe with them when I am at my most vulnerable by e.g. being tied up, feels incredible.

For my partners, they have adored being solely responsible for my pleasure. Being trusted enough to have someone give themselves to them in that way. To elicit such a response from me has been a huge turn on for them. That is what they have needed from me.

I could stop it all at any time. My partners only had the ability to dominate me because I gave it to them. So submission isn't something that is taken. It is given. Yet Dom's crave it, because that is what makes them tick....being responsible for anothers pleasure. So in a way, my Doms have always been submissive to me. They have only been able to take control when I have handed it to them.

It is a very close, loving, emotionally reciprocal relationship. That is what it means to me.

See, to be, choking is choking, breath play is use of rebreathers. But that is a distinction that others might not share. I wouldn’t allow anyone to call choking breath play without challenging it.

I’ve never said that abuse doesn’t damage women as a class. I do my best within my groups to campaign and raise awareness and make a difference. I’ll ask again. Would you rather I didn’t?

ApocalypseInABit thank you. I’m not going to rip you to shreds!

I would like to know, what those here who practice it, think abuse looks like. Is it solely about consent? What can’t someone consent to?

weriseup if you feel like that, then kink isn’t for you, and that is absolutely fine. No kinkster I know would want to induce you in any way to do anything you’re not comfortable with.

The breath play thing was me. I was referring to where people breathe for each other and as PP said, are into gas masks etc. Not all breath play is choking and suffocation. I condemn all choking and suffocation without reservation. The other stuff doesnt float my boat but if that is what some people are into, then as long as noone is hurt, I mind my own business.

Abuse is about pushing boundaries. Consent is too narrow.

It’s about mental manipulation and putting words into people’s mouths. Pushing a little and a little and a little until before you know it you’re miles from where you started.

I can't be arsed to go through the whole thread and find it but one poster said that not all breath play was choking and some of it was fine.
Not all breath play is choking is correct. I don't know anyone who calls choking breath play actually. What she did say was that she understood it as breathing in someone else's exhaled air, sharing breath with them. This IMO is fine. Absolutely no one has said choking is.

that is absolutely fine

I know. I don't feel anyone here is pushing anything on me. I just was surprised at my chest going tight at the idea that being able to set yourself free means it is not the real deal.