Son says he wants to be a girl - supportive GC advice, please

[DoraBastable]

I am GC and encourage my kids to express themselves however they want, I don't impose gender norms and we openly talk about the gender binary and how stupid it is. My youngest son is 6 and has said off and on for a few years that he wants to be a girl. At times he has cried about it. I always explain to him that he can do all the things that girls can do - he can wear dresses and make up if he likes, or trousers and short hair, I give examples of all the different hobbies and jobs he can have, saying being a boy doesn't stop him from doing any of those things. He does wear nail varnish and colourful and pretty clothes when he wants to, but hasn't said he wants to wear skirts etc. He also has dolls to play with, loves dancing, loves babies and drawing and typical 'girl' stuff and this is encouraged and valued. Nobody ever tells him these things are wrong.

He says he still just wants to be a girl. When asked why, he can't explain, although he said once 'I want to be pretty like a girl'.

He is very young, and this is just a hunch, but I think he might be gay. My eldest son is gay. I think my 6 year old might also be on the autistic spectrum, although this doesn't cause him enough difficulties to push for a diagnosis. I know both of these things can encourage a belief that one is trans. In my more hopeful moments I can imagine him growing up to be a well-adjusted (possibly gay) man who likes being pretty and expressing himself in a feminine way. However I am scared as he gets older he will encounter trans ideology and get sucked into believing he 'is' a girl or can become a girl. How can I a) guard against this type of thing and b) comfort him in the meantime when he gets upset about being a boy?

Please don't try to convince me that I should be allowing him to believe he can become a girl. I'd love to hear from GC feminists who feel, as I do, that gender is a load of shit.

I don’t have anything very helpful to say in terms of how to support him in the current climate, but my friend’s son was very similar, although not on the autistic spectrum. He became far less interested in feminine things at puberty, and is a happy young gay man now.

Thank you SirVix, that does help me think I am on the right track with my hunch. I tried to google for stories of gay men's experiences as children to see if this is quite common, but all I got were trans stories. It makes me so sad to think that a lot of gay children might end up on the trans path through confusion and bad advice.

If it was my son I would explain that it's impossible for him to change sex, he is a boy and he has to accept that. And just take it from there really.

Thank you thighofrelief, my son is also emotionally young and it makes me sad to think he's not comfortable in his own identity. We try to be very supportive of his choices and feelings. This feels like a failing on our part that he doesn't feel OK being a feminine boy.

Thanks for your thoughts about uncertainty of identity. Does it emerge in other ways that you know of? Or usually gender? I think I may be autistic myself and I have never felt quite settled in my gender but I know biologically I am and always will be a woman.

Feelingverylazy that is more or less what I have done. It makes him sad to talk about it. But it is the truth. I worry however that as he gets older and is exposed to the internet, teen culture etc, he will find other people have a different idea of the truth, a more appealing one possibly.

I don't think I'd be so blunt at that age feeling although if he continues to express such a desire when he's older, then of course you can explain to him that's its impossible to change sex. At 6 I'd very much go along the lines of 'you can do/have/be/say all the things girls do' as you are and as a PP said 'we' ll see how you feel when you're older'. If he says he wants to be pretty, try finding out what it is he thinks makes girls pretty (is it eyelashes and mascara or nails etc) and let him do that. And of course, always reiterate that he is pretty!

Dora that is possible, but I think children (including teenagers) need to know that their parents are being truthful, even if it's painful at times, because otherwise how can they trust you? They need to have that solid foundation.

Rupert Everett dressed as a girl as a child : amp.theguardian.com/film/2016/jun/19/rupert-everett-dangers-of-child-sex-change-operations-gender

My youngest was very similar although he wasn't upset about not being a girl more frustrated that the 'nice things' he liked were labelled as girls.

He gave up the princess dress up and dolls of his own accord somewhere around 8 but continues to be very artistic and into fashion for both sexes. As an (almost) teen he has talked about being bisexual/gay but it's still a bit abstract for him however no one would be surprised.

I have an older son with ASD but I never really considered the younger one that much. I don't think he is but it's not impossible he is at least of that phenotype iyswim.

I think you have to just keep on as you are confirming that it's not actually possible to turn into a girl and it's fine for him to enjoy the things he does.

Myusername, he doesn't seem to be able to express what he thinks is pretty about girls. He is a lovely looking child and often gets people stopping me to say so! We haven't actually talked about him trying make up as he's so young but he often watches me do mine and says how lovely it is (I am actually rubbish at make up and don't wear much!) I guess I can ask him if he'd like to wear some. He did ask for long hair but I discouraged it as he hates having his hair washed or brushed (sensory issues). Thanks for your thoughts, I do appreciate them.

Feelingverylazy, I agree, I can't and won't lie to them, but it scares me they may prefer a lie from the internet to the truth I will tell them.

Good luck, Dora. It must be daunting to face this in the current climate with lobbyists pushing ever-earlier medical intervention.

It may be some comfort and help to shore up your convictions to know that studies show that about 80% of gender-questioning kids who are allowed to go through natural puberty come out the other side accepting their sex. (And yes, they are very likely to be gay or lesbian).

thighofrelief it's wonderful to talk to other parents who get it. Thank you for sharing those thoughts. Your son sounds brilliant.

Ova I love these stories of GNC boys. I so hope one day this stuff will all be irrelevant. Mine seems quite literal so I wonder if he's just internalised the 'rules' about gender and feels there's something wrong about liking what he likes, even though we all reject that kind of talk.

Just to add I also worry a lot about him falling into gender ideology via the internet so I totally get your concerns. He really is just fabulous as he is.

Grinitch thanks so much for the sympathy. I do struggle with it and worry about him and then I feel silly or dramatic for getting bothered by it. In the worst moments I start to doubt myself and think, well, maybe he is trans. Maybe I'm in denial.

The 80% statistic does help, thank you. What happens to the other 20% though? They end up transed? And where did you get that figure from, please?

GC posters often refer parents and schools to the resources of transgender trend
www.transgendertrend.com/resources-for-parents/

Ova I am hoping my son will have a good role model in the form of his big brother who is mostly unconcerned about gender stereotypes and open about being gay and liking fashion and so on. We're also lucky enough to have some wonderful GNC adult friends; I'm wondering if I need to specifically talk about them and point out to him that men can be x y and z if they want to. Maybe encourage looking at role models from the media as well? He adores that dancer, I forget his name, that danced to Take Me to Church. Hmm, the gay thing seems pretty obvious when I write all of this down!

Oh thanks UnWilly! That's a great suggestion.

thighofrelief, I used to be all about the trans agenda until I started to look into it more deeply and saw how abusive and reactionary it actually is. The march of trans ideology scares and horrifies me. I think a lot of the parents are damaged, but others are genuinely wanting to do the right thing by their children and have swallowed the ideology whole. I know quite a few families with trans children. The adults are lovely people who clearly mean well.

You sound like you have a wonderful and supportive base to keep the conversation going with him as he gets older. Hopefully that will be all he needs to eventually relax into just being himself.

4thwavenow.com is a site for parents of gender non-conforming, gender-questioning, and trans-identifying kids.

gendercriticalresources.com/Support/ is a private board for parents.

Here is a piece addressing studies' desistance rates, which have been hotly contested by activists advocating for early medical measures. Judge for yourself:
www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2018/07/21972/

thighofrelief: "OP not really, it's screaming ASD to me rather than gay"
Oh really? That's interesting, I appreciate the different perspectives.

Grinitch, thanks again, so helpful to have these links. I will have a good read when it's not so late.

Ova I do hope so! Meanwhile I wish I could ease his sadness about not being a girl. It seems to keep rearing up and I just want to fix it for him.

I would also check out if the school is pushing the trans ideology as this could have an impact outwith your control and they could inadvertently convince your child they are trans. This idea is being taught at a young age now. I suggest you always stay one step ahead and try and preempt outside influences. Keep vigilant regarding this if you can.
The non conforming child is no longer that. They are seen as trans by all our establishments so I would be careful how you manage it. Letting your child experiment with clothes and makeup should not be an issue but today other people read it as trans and this will be suggested to him in the near future. The language has changed since we were younger and your child is going to be part of this.
I would let him grow his hair though if this is what he wants. If the sensory issues are so bad at least he will have had the choice to say he doesn’t want long hair.