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Original poster

Son says he wants to be a girl - supportive GC advice, please

121 replies

DoraBastable · 08/02/2019 23:26

I am GC and encourage my kids to express themselves however they want, I don't impose gender norms and we openly talk about the gender binary and how stupid it is. My youngest son is 6 and has said off and on for a few years that he wants to be a girl. At times he has cried about it. I always explain to him that he can do all the things that girls can do - he can wear dresses and make up if he likes, or trousers and short hair, I give examples of all the different hobbies and jobs he can have, saying being a boy doesn't stop him from doing any of those things. He does wear nail varnish and colourful and pretty clothes when he wants to, but hasn't said he wants to wear skirts etc. He also has dolls to play with, loves dancing, loves babies and drawing and typical 'girl' stuff and this is encouraged and valued. Nobody ever tells him these things are wrong.

He says he still just wants to be a girl. When asked why, he can't explain, although he said once 'I want to be pretty like a girl'.

He is very young, and this is just a hunch, but I think he might be gay. My eldest son is gay. I think my 6 year old might also be on the autistic spectrum, although this doesn't cause him enough difficulties to push for a diagnosis. I know both of these things can encourage a belief that one is trans. In my more hopeful moments I can imagine him growing up to be a well-adjusted (possibly gay) man who likes being pretty and expressing himself in a feminine way. However I am scared as he gets older he will encounter trans ideology and get sucked into believing he 'is' a girl or can become a girl. How can I a) guard against this type of thing and b) comfort him in the meantime when he gets upset about being a boy?

Please don't try to convince me that I should be allowing him to believe he can become a girl. I'd love to hear from GC feminists who feel, as I do, that gender is a load of shit.

OP posts:
catkind · 09/02/2019 06:30

You may already be doing it but just wanted to say that DD is that age and her idea of doing pretty is to wear flowery hair clips or something. Or an alice band. Easy to do even with short hair. Makeup is not really "pretty" anyway is it? Pretty is more flowery/cute than adult. Some multicoloured scarves or butterfly wings and some cheap net tutus in the dressing up box were also popular with DD and DS.

He's prime age for stereotyping coming from school, around 4-6 kids get very set about girls have to do x boys have to do y. We did do lots of talking to DC about what's silly idea this is and encouraged them to carry on doing their own thing. I do think it's harder for boys to be nonconforming in the current climate though. It's much more socially acceptable in 5 year old world for a girl to like wearing trousers and playing football than for a boy to wear dresses and like princesses. Shouldn't be but it is.

CaptainKirksSpookyghost · 09/02/2019 06:49

Makeup is not really "pretty" anyway is it

To a 6 year old?
I don't know, I don't know what stereotypes the school brainwash with for a start.

TimeLady · 09/02/2019 07:28

The idea of dance or theatre classes could be something worth exploring, as there may well be boys with similar interests there for him to make friends with.

Feminist4 · 09/02/2019 08:34

This all sounds like aversion therapy to me.

MenstruatorExtraordinaire · 09/02/2019 08:35

All my children have gone through this phase at some point. By not making it into a big issue, they were able to explore their interest in what's available in the world and all have then moved on.

I thank goodness that they were pre this trans madness as I'm sure they would now be on the pathway.

You've had some great advice on here. So glad there are so many rational intelligent articulate women questioning the ideology. It's so worrying for gnc children.

OnTheDarkSideOfTheSpoon · 09/02/2019 08:41

Encouraging someone to embrace themselves the way they are without needing surgery or a lifetime of medication = aversion therapy?

LizzieSiddal · 09/02/2019 08:43

This all sounds like aversion therapy to me.

No, it’s sensible advice which applies to every parent.

CaptainKirksSpookyghost · 09/02/2019 08:45

This all sounds like aversion therapy to me.
Why?
How is letting a little boy express himself how he likes and waiting aversion therapy?

CaptainKirksSpookyghost · 09/02/2019 08:46

surely lying and telling him he's a girl or can become one because at 6 he liked "girl things" is far more damaging?

Babdoc · 09/02/2019 08:53

OP, how old is your older gay son? Could he have a chat to your six year old about his own feelings at that age? Maybe he could reassure him that it’s possible to be happy as a boy who has a boyfriend, like girls do?
Otherwise, it sounds like you’re doing all the right things already. Explaining in simple terms that boys can’t change into girls, but can enjoy all the things that society stereotypes as female. You could also point out that lots of girls hate pink, sparkly, princess stuff and prefer trousers and football, but it doesn’t make them boys.

Feminist4 · 09/02/2019 08:54

Nobody should tell their child what they can and can’t be. Let the child find their direction and then if it persists be guided by experts rather than people who work hard make transpeople’s lives miserable.

RockyFlintstone · 09/02/2019 08:55

He's prime age for stereotyping coming from school, around 4-6 kids get very set about girls have to do x boys have to do y.

Yes, as a mum to a boy and a girl age 5 and 7 I agree with this.

RockyFlintstone · 09/02/2019 08:57

How is letting a little boy express himself how he likes and waiting aversion therapy?

Aversion from what? Do you believe this little boy can change sex then?

CaptainKirksSpookyghost · 09/02/2019 08:57

Let the child find their direction

And yet you have just called this aversion therapy.

transpeople’s lives miserable.

I and many other people here are under the stonewall trans-umbrella.

OldCrone · 09/02/2019 08:59

Nobody should tell their child what they can and can’t be.

Agree. With one exception. Nobody should tell children that they can change sex.

MIdgebabe · 09/02/2019 09:06

As others said, Let him be himself, he can do whatever he wants,

I think also let him know how wonderful he is as himself, and let him help you in lots of stereotypical female things that you do . EVEn if others says you can’t do that you are a boy, he will then know otherwise

unexpectedgifts · 09/02/2019 09:13

Roll with it.
Let him talk about it.
Do a bit of research.

It's 7x more likely for him to feel this if he is on the Autistic spectrum. It doesn't mean his older self will agree with his younger self!

It's likely his choices may change as he grows. He may always have a dominant feminine side and that's good.

If his choices don't change then you have time to prepare.

I'd say as a mum who went through this, time can change things, when they are voicing feelings it's important to listen and be a sounding board.

It's great he's able to voice how he's feeling. Really positive.

You'll be fine. For now, smile, go with the flow and don't worry too much. Sending hugs Thanks

MIdgebabe · 09/02/2019 09:14

You shouldn’t tell a child what they can be but you have a duty of care to steer them towards a path in life in which they will be happy and successful. Let them dance , but if they will never be the prima ballerina of their dreams younwould be cruel and setting them up for great disappointment if you actively encouraged them to spend all their time dancing to the detriment of schoolwork, friends and other hobbies. DO you want your child to grow up and think of themselves as a failure because they didn’t achieve a dream ?

Feminist4 · 09/02/2019 09:16

My transdaughter is now so happy. She is transitioning and awaiting surgery. Fortunately she has the support of her girlfriend and her family. We tell her the risks, but she was deeply unhappy before. She is blooming as the woman, that she was born as. I don’t understand it, and I resisted it at first, but I now realise that she just needs our support. She has many friends who no longer have contact with their families as they refused to accept their transition.

CaptainKirksSpookyghost · 09/02/2019 09:20

Good for your daughter feminist4, we are all pleased she is happy. And you are clearly happy to, why else would you be here telling us about it.
It's great.

A lot of people are not happy though and have terrible experiences, there are also transmen and women who will completely agree transitioning isn't the coercive rainbows and unicorns it was made out to be to them, because they were sold that they could change sex.

CaptainKirksSpookyghost · 09/02/2019 09:24

A good sign that people are truly happy is when they need constant positive reassurance in their decisions, and they need other people to re-enforce who they are.

CaptainKirksSpookyghost · 09/02/2019 09:29

The happiest people are so okay with who they are that they have surgery to try and get to a goal that will never be enough and never happen.

That's much better than being happy in your own body isn't it feminist4?

Happiness is a funny thing.

MIdgebabe · 09/02/2019 09:29

I think if you could have helped your child to avoid that deep unhappiness without surgery you might be happier f4. Not obvious that was possible in your case, but my life experiance says that it is possible in most cases.

Many difficulties can either grow or diminish , often through the actions of others, this boy is still young and has a good chance, with the right support of overcoming his problems in a safer way

CaptainKirksSpookyghost · 09/02/2019 09:30

How can you call trying to help a little boy be comfortable with himself aversion therapy?
You've not explained yet what that means.

Lottapianos · 09/02/2019 09:37

OP, huge well done for how you are handling this. Carry on allowing him to play with what he likes, and dress up how he likes, but hold on to the reality that he is a boy and cannot become a girl. I think it's really important that you asked him WHY he wants to be a girl, not many people think to ask that question. Good luck to you x

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