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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Son says he wants to be a girl - supportive GC advice, please

121 replies

DoraBastable · 08/02/2019 23:26

I am GC and encourage my kids to express themselves however they want, I don't impose gender norms and we openly talk about the gender binary and how stupid it is. My youngest son is 6 and has said off and on for a few years that he wants to be a girl. At times he has cried about it. I always explain to him that he can do all the things that girls can do - he can wear dresses and make up if he likes, or trousers and short hair, I give examples of all the different hobbies and jobs he can have, saying being a boy doesn't stop him from doing any of those things. He does wear nail varnish and colourful and pretty clothes when he wants to, but hasn't said he wants to wear skirts etc. He also has dolls to play with, loves dancing, loves babies and drawing and typical 'girl' stuff and this is encouraged and valued. Nobody ever tells him these things are wrong.

He says he still just wants to be a girl. When asked why, he can't explain, although he said once 'I want to be pretty like a girl'.

He is very young, and this is just a hunch, but I think he might be gay. My eldest son is gay. I think my 6 year old might also be on the autistic spectrum, although this doesn't cause him enough difficulties to push for a diagnosis. I know both of these things can encourage a belief that one is trans. In my more hopeful moments I can imagine him growing up to be a well-adjusted (possibly gay) man who likes being pretty and expressing himself in a feminine way. However I am scared as he gets older he will encounter trans ideology and get sucked into believing he 'is' a girl or can become a girl. How can I a) guard against this type of thing and b) comfort him in the meantime when he gets upset about being a boy?

Please don't try to convince me that I should be allowing him to believe he can become a girl. I'd love to hear from GC feminists who feel, as I do, that gender is a load of shit.

OP posts:
Sunshineofleith · 09/02/2019 00:23

An afterthought. Head lice and long hair go hand in hand. You could tell him you will also need to fine comb his hair often as it’s easy to get lice when hair is long. Present long hair as a nuisance rather than a girl thing might help.

pineapplebryanbrown · 09/02/2019 00:24

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pineapplebryanbrown · 09/02/2019 00:30

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Feminist4 · 09/02/2019 00:34

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pineapplebryanbrown · 09/02/2019 00:36

Feminist for some children it is a phase though.

Original poster
DoraBastable · 09/02/2019 00:36

thighofrelief I didn't think it was rude or uninformed at all! I asked for advice and opinions and you gave yours, which I'm grateful for. It has really helped to talk this through and I will think about everything that's been suggested.

We have a friend whose child transitioned (lucky no medical intervention) and then changed their mind. Their mum told me this is quite common according to her research.

Sunshine, thank you, I will definitely look out for that and be on my guard. What a terrible thing we have to be aware of schools pushing these messages!

OP posts:
Original poster
DoraBastable · 09/02/2019 00:38

Feminist I support my children to be whoever they are, but it is impossible for a human to biologically change sex. If someone wants to live their life presenting as the other sex that is their choice. But a boy cannot physically become a girl. The fact that MN has not succumbed to trans ideology is the reason I asked for advice on here.

OP posts:
Feminist4 · 09/02/2019 00:39

I’m a teacher and it’s rubbish that schools push a trans agenda.

FloralBunting · 09/02/2019 00:44

Dora, your approach sounds fine. You're still his biggest influence by far, and staying the calm centre in his world will always be important.

Feminist4 · 09/02/2019 00:52

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Feminist4 · 09/02/2019 00:52

I don’t know any trans children for whom it’s been a phase.

OvaHere · 09/02/2019 00:54

Feminist The OP asked for only replies from GC women so I think you should respect her wishes.

Feminist4 · 09/02/2019 00:56

I am gc I would say I’m probably a better judge if what’s appropriate that most on these boards.
A good website for basics is
www.hrc.org/resources/transgender-children-and-youth-understanding-the-basics

FloralBunting · 09/02/2019 00:59

I'd like to back up Ovahere on that. The OP has been quite clear. I'm not going to get into a nice juicy derail.

Dora, I know what helped us was clear communication and always being honest. It was a slightly different situation with an older daughter, but my younger son is also non conforming to gender and being assessed for spectrum stuff, and it does concern me what he is hearing from other sources.

nellodee · 09/02/2019 01:00

Feminist4, I'm a teacher, and its bullshit to assume that I can extrapolate what happens in every school in the country, just because I work in one of them.

OvaHere · 09/02/2019 01:00

Sorry you are not respecting the OPs wishes here. I've reported your posts. We all know your slant on this and it isn't what the OP wanted.

OrangeJuicy · 09/02/2019 01:07

Is he being picked on at school or elsewhere?

Thingybob · 09/02/2019 01:18

My thoughts OP is wondering how much of him wanting to be a girl is him wanting to fit in with the girls socially so does he have friends who are girls? If not is there anything you can do to encourage friendships e.g playdates with girls that he likes or are there other GNC boys that he would like to befriend? Maybe look at activities like dance or drama groups where he may be able to find a role for himself and find peers that he wants to be with.

Personally I wouldn't encourage the make up too much just as I wouldn't encourage it with a 6 year old girl. But yes I would tell him that he is pretty, as boys can be pretty too, and obviously allow him to play with whatever he likes but toys are much more fun when you have someone to share them with.

The GNC boys that I've known, who have grown up happily are ones who had good friendship groups (usually girls) One 30 year old gay family member is still besties with the 3 girls he started primary school with. Yes when he was younger he got teased about not being manly enough but the girls have always stuck with him.

Another I knew who again only wanted to play with girls in his primary years, changed to alternative, music loving, boys and girls in secondary school (they had a band) and is now a heterosexual married man with kids.

So I don't think anything is predestined at 6 years old.

Sunshineofleith · 09/02/2019 01:43

This is happening in schools. Feminist4 is not respecting you.

I read everything and I listened to everyone when this came into my house. No matter how hard I tried to see it from the trans narrative I could only see bullshit. There was nothing that convinced me that transgender was just another way of presenting a non conforming child but this narrative meant our kids would be lifelong medical patients and would have healthy tissues cut off as opposed to letting kids explore. It is shocking. I try not to post too much as the anger I feel about all the institutions who have succumbed to this cult is unbelievable. Where is common sense. A boy can not morph into a girl. And vice versa. I wish they would let our kids just be their wonderful self.

IamThereforeIdontIdentify · 09/02/2019 02:57

Dora if he wants to be pretty like a girl, is it possible to show him images of women/girls who aren't "pretty" and men who are unconventional in their masculinity? It seems he has an idea of what being a girl or boy is and he doesn't fit. His older brother sounds great, but maybe some wider world influences? And in image form? Being told he can be or do anything may actually be a bit abstract - especially if he has ASD. It might require a bit of a search, but I'm guessing dance and theatre world may be a good start.

CaptainKirksSpookyghost · 09/02/2019 05:48

When he says he wants to be pretty, do you think he'd like some nail polish and lipstick to play with at home?

CaptainKirksSpookyghost · 09/02/2019 05:54

Boys without older sisters tend to miss out on playing with makeup.

CaptainKirksSpookyghost · 09/02/2019 05:58

Bowie and 70's Freddie Mercury are good places to start to show him men with awesome nail varnish and make up.

VashtaNerada · 09/02/2019 06:09

I think you’re doing the right thing (and FWIW the trans campaign groups I’ve worked with in the past would 100% agree with you!). The only thing I would say is that if he’s been saying it a lot for a while now to keep your mind open to the potential that this could be long term. It absolutely might not be, and as he matures and understands the world a bit more he might be content as a non-conforming boy, but trans people do exist and a lot of them say their feelings started young. I would just keep an open mind, keep reminding him he’s perfect as he is, but have part of your mind prepared for how you would support him if this does turn out to be long term.