Surname change after marriage

[CalmDownPacino]

This probably seems trivial but is really bothering me and I don't have the right responses to people! Getting married in a few weeks, am not changing my name. Some people have asked if I'm changing my name and I've said no. The responses I get are mainly "well you'll still legally be Mrs Blah even if you pretend not to be". As far as I know this isn't true but I don't know if I'm right, nor do I have the right reply when people say this to me. As I said, I know it's no biggie but it's really irritating me.

Bananasinpyjamas11

I explained exactly why I changed my name. It's trite, and it's rather shallow, which I conceded. I don't really care if you believe me or not, but your attitude was and still is very patronising. I don't like being patronised and told that I mean one thing when I've clearly said another. I don't need a translator, thank you.

DH and I were together for ten years before we married - having different names wasn't a problem for us then, so the idea of changing names after marriage didn't really come up. My name is MY name.
We had DCs before we married as well - they're registered with his surname - we did consider a double barrel, but our surnames don't really work well together, and I like the fact that there is an obvious link between them and him. I don't know why I didn't feel the need for an equivalent obvious link, perhaps getting them cut and pulled out of me was enough!!
But now 9 years later, both DH's parents are dead, his sis is married with a name change, so the only people left in his family sharing his surname are our two DCs. And I feel that is really important to him, and also to me. So our decision years ago is the right one for us.

’Why is it so crazy to believe people change their names because they have a difficult to spell/pronounce name?’

This seems to be something that afflicts only women. Did your male relatives change their surname to one that was easier to spell?

Vilainess
Actually my dad did use an Anglicised version of the name at work, because it’s difficult to spell and pronounce!

Sensible man!

I thought so too
It still sounds equally weird when it’s anglicised though - kind of how some people say “cerstificate” instead of “certificate”. You can work out what hey are trying to say but it just sounds wrong

I have a surname that many people are foxed by. I get loads of 'huh?'. 'how do you spell that?, 'where's that from?'. It's almost a ritual now whenever I tell someone my name for the first time.

Kennehora: They're your children, not hers.

Indeed they are and it is for the good our whole family relationship that I have only taken on one half of the battle. I’m not going to fight every sexist outdated tradition - who could?! We pick what is important to us and leave the rest.

I have a male friend whose Turkish father changed the spelling of their name to the phonetic version when they moved here in the 70s. Still the same name, but they felt it reduced confusion over the pronunciation.

My Polish great uncle also changed his first and last name to a shortened version when he moved to the UK in the 40s. Now it might be different, but back then he said it made his life easier.

I guess it goes back to the original OPs post. She’s getting berated for not changing her name.

Yet to challenge those changing theirs is not usually ever voiced. And often not openly admitted as being because it’s the status quo.

I don’t want to berate anyone for their choices. However we probably should, gently, question them?

Not read the whole thread but I got this when I married. As well as my own name, I keep Miss as, just like any man, I refuse to change my prefix according to my marital status and just keep my original one.

My response to being questioned veers from short and simple "why would I ever sacrifice my own name?" too the flippant "oh well statistically we'll probably get divorced anyway" but occasionally I'll launch into a rant about historical patriarchal systems of asset ownership.

If truth be told, I probably enjoy the ranting opportunity a little bit

Honestly I’m sorry if I’ve offended anyone.

(I have a difficult to pronounce and spell name).

Yet to challenge those changing theirs is not usually ever voiced. And often not openly admitted as being because it’s the status quo.

I think a lot of this is because so many people are unable to step outside their own personal experience and critique things from a distance. Instead they get all hufty.

We should all be ready to say 'yes, I am a feminist but not every decision I make is a feminist one and it's up to me to decide how much of a problem that is'. But we should be prepared to really think about our decisions and own them.

My mother’s surname, that is my middle name and which my cousin chose to take after her divorce because she identified more with our grandmother than her father is a welsh name that our Jewish great grandfather chose when he found himself in Britain as a teen with a German surname that was imposed on his family because they lived within the Austro-Hungarian empire when surnames were imposed upon them.

This conversation happens reasonably regularly. We all carry cultural baggage and much of that is unexamined on an individual level. Humans are pretty good at telling ourselves we are making choices on our own and not because of societal expectations. It’s how we deal with cognitive dissonance.

So we who changed our names have 3 options. 1. We say that we did it not because of tradition but because of personal reasons like hating original surname

1. We tell ourselves that if circumstances were different we would have made the choice to keep our name.
2. Or we recognise that there was massive social and cultural pressure to our private decision. That one is hard.

However - whilst I know many women who have kept their surname on marriage, in every case bar one their children have their husband's surname

We had long discussions around this. Couldn’t decide.

In the end dh won as he is divorced- he has two children and the shit he goes through having to phone up schools, gp’s etc to discuss the children and their needs. We have had to draw up solicitors letters on several occasions when gp’s or teachers refused to meet him without the childs mother present.

Even though he has PR this did drive home how difficult it is as a single father, and if he didn’t have the same name it would be producing birth/marriage/divorce certs constantly. A man travelling alone with a child of a different surname is a whole different ballgame to a woman.

Them having a different name people automatically assume stepdad or male relative/friend. When we took a stepdc to a&e once i was automatically assumed to be mum, but dh was still asked if a) he was dad and b) did he have parental responsibility.

So yes, we went with dh’s name especially as one of us frequently travels alone with a child.

The kids know though that should they want to use my name they are perfectly entitled to. I am of non- uk heritage; evident in my name so should they want to live and work in that country they can use that name.

Number 3 definitely drove my decision not to fight against DC having DH's surname. Familial pressure above all was the main driver (itself driven by societal and cultural pressure).

Why is it so crazy to believe people change their names because they have a difficult to spell/pronounce name?

Because I know many men with hard to pronounce, often foreign surnames. Not only did they keep their surname on marriage, but their wives now have this hard-to-pronounce-and-spell surname too. And their children.

I'm just catching up - glad I posted, this has been interesting reading!

I’d hate to have a different name to my dcs

I don't get this though. Why does it matter? I've had a different surname to my daughter for over 13 years. Why should it bother me?

So men are born with their own name and women are merely borrowing a man's name. Gotcha

This is exactly how I felt. That people are trying to say that my name isn't really mine. Only a mans name is real. Sod that.

Yet to challenge those changing theirs is not usually ever voiced

Just to pick up on this too - I think it's interesting that people would think me really rude if I was to challenge them about why they changed their name, yet I am fair game!

We should all be ready to say 'yes, I am a feminist but not every decision I make is a feminist one and it's up to me to decide how much of a problem that is'. But we should be prepared to really think about our decisions and own them.

But I am completely happy to own my decision to change my name on marriage. I've said that my reasons included being sick and tired of having to spell my name every. single. time. But apparently this reason isn't good enough for some posters, as I should have just changed it by deed poll when I was 18 (and never mind the pain that would have caused family members who would still have that name)

I knew a Mrs Smellie and a Mrs Boak (the latter is a Scottish word meaning to vomit)

I've often wondered what appalling birth names Mrs Smellie and Mrs Vomit had.

My birth surname was very close to an antisocial bodily function. Imagine being a primary school kid in that situation.