Surname change after marriage

[CalmDownPacino]

This probably seems trivial but is really bothering me and I don't have the right responses to people! Getting married in a few weeks, am not changing my name. Some people have asked if I'm changing my name and I've said no. The responses I get are mainly "well you'll still legally be Mrs Blah even if you pretend not to be". As far as I know this isn't true but I don't know if I'm right, nor do I have the right reply when people say this to me. As I said, I know it's no biggie but it's really irritating me.

In all seriousness, I would not even consider marrying a man who told me I 'had to' take his name.

Same here. Major red flag.

I didn't get any heat for not taking DH's name.

Questions, yes. A few family members asked and MIL assumed til she was corrected, but the conversations all went along the lines of:

• are you going to be Mrs DHname?
• why would I do that?
• fair enough

Only my DM pushed it further and said it's traditional, why get married if I i didn't want to follow tradition, etc. But I just replied that I don't like patriarchal traditions and only wanted marriage for tax and legal purposes, and she didn't mention it again

I do think DM was a bit disappointed that I didn't want the same things that she did, and that, by rejecting labels like wife, Mrs DHname, etc., I was somehow rejecting her and her choices. It didn't affect our relationship, though. And she has continued to address post to me in the name I've had since I was born.

@Bananasinpyjamas11 thank you for your sympathy, and I love that you have kept a rare name at that 😄👍

@CalmDownPacino sorry that you have also experienced this loss. I love my husband but his name means nothing to me. It's his. Mine came from my Dad who I miss every day, and I had it for 31 years before I got married. For me that meaning is so much more important. If others don't get it, their loss.

The funny thing is when people presume my husband is Irish (because I am, we live in the UK and my name is particularly Irish - so surely he must be Irish, because I've taken his name right?) 😂

I'm friends with a couple who got married when they were around 50, where she'd been married before and had her ex's surname. They agreed that the name had to go, but neither of them was very keen on her taking the new husband's name, so she reverted to her maiden name, and they both seem to be comfortable with that. He says, "I occasionally get called by her name. It's fun".

Had a friend who appended his name onto his wife's.

Ie, instead of Jim M and and Maria L becoming Mr and Mrs Jim M, they became Jim L-M and his wife Maria L-M. Had nothing to do with feminism - she was Hispanic and that was a tradition in her family.

What was interesting was that I talked to someone who hired him for a job, and the consensus was among the hiring bosses was that that appending her name was a wimpy thing to do, but they flipped a coin to decide and hired him anyway.

Cannot believe we still have to negotiate this shite.

My kids have my name and that has caused way more consternation from others.

Mil still addresses cards to DCs with their fathers surname! I get a lot of eye rolling, comments, judgements. The school even judged! I get branded ‘Male’ e.g. even my brother said that I ‘must wear the trousers in the relationship’.

It’s just not acceptable yet in our society.

I think it’s interesting that kids surnames are more taboo than a wives. It’s like people feel it denotes an act against the Dad, it’s emasculates them or is a sign that the child is illegitimate, disowned. Quite deep cultural connotations.

And I also think that much of the pressure to conform comes from other women. It’s women who uphold many of these patriarchal traditions. Quite vehemently at times! And it’s women who provide the socially acceptable reasons to mask it e.g, changing name because it’s hard to spell / don’t like it / or it’s unfair on the kids etc.

Of my circle of friends, over the past 20 years, all but three have taken their husbands name. These people range in age from 50-somethings to 20-somethings. Interesting, two of the three people who didn't take their husbands' name are over 45, and one of them is male.
Of the female-female marriages amongst my friends, all of the couples bar one retained their own surnames. The other couple took the older of the two's name.
I added DHs surname to mine (no hyphen, but always state both surnames).DC use both surnames in the same way I do.
Very few people get it right when addressing things to us, except the school, who manage perfectly well.

Of the female-female marriages amongst my friends, all of the couples bar one retained their own surnames. The other couple took the older of the two's name.

That's quite telling, isn't it? It reinforces the gendered nature of this decision, and how the man is automatically the 'senior' party in a marriage.

I remember reading an interview with Rachel Weisz where she said that while she keeps her own name for professional purposes, she officially changed her name on marriage. So on her passport she is 'Rachel Craig'. She said something along the lines of being 'proud' to be 'Mrs. Craig'. Ugh.

Stressing again that as an intelligent adult Rachel is of course free to decide what name to go by, I do find it sad that a woman who achieved so much as Rachel Weisz is 'proud' to take a man's name. Even if that man is Daniel Craig.

Rachel Craig seems such a mundane name compared to Rachel Weisz.

Rachel Craig seems such a mundane name compared to Rachel Weisz.

Lol so true! Rachel Weisz is such an elegant name - perfect for a beautiful, talented actress. Rachel Craig sounds like an admin assistant's name (not that there's anything wrong with admin assistants!)

Definitely can't pull the 'Oh but his name was just so much nicer" line in this case!

Iced - I think it was simply because the younger of the couple didn't particularly like her original surname, which was similar to that of a vegetable. As both were female, presumably they could have been Mrs & Mrs Turnip Smith/Smith Turnip but the former Ms Turnip didn't like being a Turnip.

As the saying goes, "The personal is political". Or maybe that's vice versa, or both. Anyway, what women choose to do reflects what our society does.

I agree 100% @bananasinpyjamas11 - women uphold the patriarchy and always have. If women did not keep other women in line, we wouldn't need feminism.

It is always women who raise eyebrows at the not changing of names.

And the enforcement of changing kids names - what I really do not understand is women who are not married to the dad but give the kids his name - why????? You're obviously not that into tradition if you don't need to be married to have a child with him.

'I do find it sad that a woman who achieved so much as Rachel Weisz is 'proud' to take a man's name. Even if that man is Daniel Craig.'

I agree. So depressing.

I think I would change my name on my passport etc to Rachel Craig, so that it wasn't so obvious that I was a Very Big Star every time I made a booking and probably never stop grinning at the thought that I had Daniel Craig in my bed every night

I think Rachel Weisz has a “Mrs Daniel Craig” sign in her car.

Madonna made a song and dance about being Mrs Ritchie (although ha ha that went so well)

And the ever- irritating Beyonce made a world tour song and dance about being Mrs Carter.

'And the ever- irritating Beyonce made a world tour song and dance about being Mrs Carter'

Oh god, I had completely forgotten that. Awful.

Paul Heaton and Jacqui Abbott have a song called “The Future Mrs Heaton”, but all of Jacqui’s parts are about “the future Mr Abbott”. :)

It's your choice but it's odd for the older generation who automatically changed it. The only consideration is do remember if you have kids, you have to remember to always carry their birth certificates to prove you are their mother if they take your husbands surname even traveling together, (when traveling alone you need a letter from him and vice versa anyway). My friend didn't change hers but now wishes she did, but not being British it's not something that is easy to do (they have to do it within 3 months of marriage)

The only consideration is do remember if you have kids, you have to remember to always carry their birth certificates to prove you are their mother if they take your husbands surname even traveling together,

Have flown extensively with DD and never had a minute’s grief. Don’t think I’ve taken her birth certificate more than once. Have never been asked for it, nor to prove she’s mine. (She has my surname as a middle name so it is recognised on her passport. Maybe that’s enough.)

That's really not true about travelling together. We do it a couple of times a year for 16 years and Ive never been asked for their birth certs or to prove they're mine.

I do take them of travelling without their same-name father but, again, have never been asked.

Only time one of them has been asked to produce a letter was when they were travelling with neither parent going away with a friend and friends mum - she got asked who he was and showed the letter we'd written.

The only consideration is do remember if you have kids, you have to remember to always carry their birth certificates to prove you are their mother if they take your husbands surname even traveling together, (when traveling alone you need a letter from him and vice versa anyway)

That's easily avoided by giving the kids both your names, or your name alone.