Surname change after marriage

[CalmDownPacino]

This probably seems trivial but is really bothering me and I don't have the right responses to people! Getting married in a few weeks, am not changing my name. Some people have asked if I'm changing my name and I've said no. The responses I get are mainly "well you'll still legally be Mrs Blah even if you pretend not to be". As far as I know this isn't true but I don't know if I'm right, nor do I have the right reply when people say this to me. As I said, I know it's no biggie but it's really irritating me.

Marriage is enough to prove a change of name at law (you don’t need to do deed poll or anything) but it isn’t in and of itself a change of name

Only if you’re female. You can produce your marriage cert and change your name.

If you are male and want to take your wife’s name, you must change it by deed poll. You cannot legally change your name without it.

My friend changed her name after marriage and it took her many hours of hassle, phone calls and admin. She had to chase down every bank, driving licence etc with certified paperwork etc.

I asked her why she had to change her name on her own bank account and she looked confused and said 'because I'm married now'.

It's something I'll never understand. I have no idea why they do it.

Slightly off the point - If i’ve changed my name post marriage, can I still use my ‘maiden’ name? (hate that term) It’s 20+ years now and I still regret feeling that I had to change. Wouldn’t do anything about it, but it would be nice to know I could.

And they are talking rubbish OP. I recall having to send off what seemed like millions of copies of my wedding certificate to get documentation changed on everything. Your original name will always be your default, unless you opt to go through the process of changing it.

reallyanotherone that isn't true. Men can also change theirs using a marriage certificate

Do whatever the hell you want OP!
People are astonished when the conversation arises and I tell them my uncle (through marriage) took our family name and always ask why as if it's any of their business.
I'm saying this as someone who has recently got married and took my husbands name too. What anyone chooses to do (or not do) with their name is no-one else's business.

Pa. Good Luck for the wedding too OP!

You should be proud to take your husbands name. Shows how much you love him hmm

Marriage is the pinnacle of a womans achievement and of course people are going to call you mrs dhname rather than dr yourname. You not changing your name is disrepectful to them, as it shows you don’t value their marriages and their use of mrs husbands name to announce to everyone they meet that they have been chosen for marriage.

this made me squeal as i've heard this sortof thing in all seriousness before

grin this made me squeal as i've heard this sortof thing in all seriousness before

That and “but his name was nicer and/or easier to spell”. Blows my mind- if all mens names are nicer/easier to spell, what about male/female siblings? Surely it isn’t even possible for every male to have a nicer name?

that isn't true. Men can also change theirs using a marriage certificate

No? The research I did in the UK seemed to think men needed to deed poll. Some US states allow marriage cert. i only looked into it briefly as we both decided we cba with all the paperwork and would just keep our own names.

That and “but his name was nicer and/or easier to spell”

Either the man's name is easier to spell; or the woman's name was too common and he has an ineteresing, unique one.

From .gov site

Marriage and civil partnership

You do not need a deed poll to take your spouse’s or civil partner’s surname. Send a copy of your marriage or civil partnership certificate to record-holders, such as benefits offices. Your documents will be updated for free

Does not specify male or female

Also this from a deed poll site:

The custom of changing your name on getting married has traditionally applied to women only. However,mencan use a marriage certificate as evidence of a change of name, in the same way that a woman can. All of ouradvice for women getting marriedapplies equally to men— whether you’ve got married to a woman, or a man (a same-sex marriage).

U.K. government bodies such asHMPassport Office and theDVLAtreat married men and married women exactly the same. If you do decide to make a change to your surname, you’re much more likely to encounter difficulty changing your records with other organisations who may be less prepared to recognise your change of name.

deedpolloffice.com/advice/man-getting-married

It amazes me how many of my feminist friends change their names. It had never even occurred to me to do that.

But I'm not rude enough to question them or tell them I'll call them what I think they should be called

Afaik the current system is that everyone can keep their current names on marriage as default. But if a woman wants to change hers to her husband's she just needs to show her marriage certificate. If a man wants to change his name on marriage or either party want to double-barrel, they need a deed poll.

10 years down the line we still get Christmas cards etc addressed to Mr & Mrs hisname. Despite us telling everyone (even including it on the "extra info" sheet included with the wedding invitation) that neither of us would change our names. Some people are so caught up with etiquette or tradition that they bypass the good manners to call people what they want to be called.

I didn't change and use ms or Dr as a title. 15 years later I still get cards addressed to Mrs Husbandsname. Some people just like making a point. The irony is I can't actually change my name to my husband's name as I don't live in the UK but they still won't accept it.

If a man wants to change his name on marriage or either party want to double-barrel, they need a deed poll

This is no longer true. A marriage certificate is sufficient now

@dementedpixie I'm pleased to hear this

WH1SPERS answer is great - that's the best one - not passive aggressive, not aggressive, just firm and putting the questioning back to them.

The UK is great (I was going to say weird) among many places I've lived, because you can call yourself whatever you want - you don't need a deed poll even (although some banks might require it, it's not a legal requirement) - we have such freedom around what we call ourselves.

I didn't change my name. My son has his father's surname.

People nearly always address things to Mr & Mrs X. This doesn't bother me, people are just lazy. IDGAF

People always ask, even my husband, if it bothers me that we don't have the same surname. If it bothered me, I would have changed my name. But I have a name, I like my name, why would I change it?

We are no less of a family just because I have a different surname. Plenty of other countries don't expect women to change their surnames when they marry.

My parents are unmarried (they've been together 40+ years.) so I don't have the same surname as my mother, pointing this out to people is hilarious because they nearly always have been slightly rude beforehand about the surname situation so get a bit embarrassed about being a dick.

The only thing that does worry me is how travelling with my son without my husband will be. I guess I'll just travel with copies of everything, but it's still ridiculous. I frequently travelled alone with my mother when I was a child (internationally), even before she became a British Citizen, and that was never a problem. But I fear times are very different to when I was a child.

On the upside, not having the same surname means that people don't buy us lots of personalised crap with DH's surname on it.

I always put myself as Ms as feel it is closest in meaning to Mr (as in not announcing marital status) and several colleagues got very confused when I got married that it was still going to be Ms my surname not Ms his surname. Also that I’m officially Ms but don’t mind if students call me Miss (teacher). Do what you want to know! Not many of my friends have changed afaik, maybe one double barrelled but still her name professionally.

I do the "neither of us changed our name" and Paddington hard stare too.

After 15 years MIL still sends Christmas and birthday cards addressed to "Mrs DHname". These days I just suck it up, and remind myself it's her little way of telling me I'm "part of the family".

Everybody else seems to cope.

Any one know if you were stupid enough to adopt an ex twunt"s name when you married, what you can do when you're divorced?

Madroid - you can just change your name back to your original name, use your divorce and birth certificates like you used your marriage certificate.

Or change to a totally different surname by deed poll.

The only thing that does worry me is how travelling with my son without my husband will be

Not a problem, ime. I travel and have travelled to various countries alone with dd (she’s an international standard athlete), as some trips are chaperoned, some not. On one occasion the customs chap took dd to one side and asked her “who is the lady you’re with”, she looked at him like he was mad and said i was her mum. That was it.

Afaik the name is irrelevant- it’s more the lone parent thing. When you travel alone with a child technically you should have written permission from anyone with PR, regardless of whether names match.

You do you with bells on! It’s your name! Other people can have an opinion but you know what they say about opinions and arseholes!

It’s really interesting isn’t it how much a woman is always expected to change. And Indeed how most women do.

Same here. It does surprise and disappoint me a bit that even now, the (vast) majority of women change their names and give only the man's name to their children.

Slice and dice it how you will, taking a man's name is a relic of the patriarchy. Sure, women can do it if they like, but most certainly it is not a feminist choice, unless we adopt the inane 'liberal' view that any choice made by a woman is a feminst choice.

10 years down the line we still get Christmas cards etc addressed to Mr & Mrs hisname.

I have an aunt who (finally) sends cheques made out to the right name (because otherwise I can’t cash them) in envelopes made out to Mrs Hisname. I’ve been trying to explain it to her for 15 years. She’s got a doctorate in civil engineering but can’t understand that I’m still called what I’ve always been called.