Surname change after marriage

[CalmDownPacino]

This probably seems trivial but is really bothering me and I don't have the right responses to people! Getting married in a few weeks, am not changing my name. Some people have asked if I'm changing my name and I've said no. The responses I get are mainly "well you'll still legally be Mrs Blah even if you pretend not to be". As far as I know this isn't true but I don't know if I'm right, nor do I have the right reply when people say this to me. As I said, I know it's no biggie but it's really irritating me.

For me the battle over me having my own name is ongoing with my in laws (10+yrs). She hated most of the first names we came up with when I was pregnant because very few were English (reflecting my heritage). For ds to have had my surname would have been an extra battle I just didn’t need. And that battle would never have ended.

Your name is 100% within your control, you can legally call yourself whatever you like and that would be your legal name.

Nope I didn't change my name, couldn't be bothered with all the fuss. Yes, my FIL and MIL aren't keen on it as now I'm not a 'proper"[insert DH's surname], but frankly, I can't be arsed.

What also surprises me is how many woman I know who aren’t honest with themselves. Even on this thread there’s a
I’d hate to have a different surname to my children. as a reason to change to husbands name. Why wouldn’t you even consider that your kids could have the woman’s surname? It’s so ingrained that question is not even asked. Even of ourselves.

Exactly. On a recent thread on the same subject you had all the usual responses "I don't like my name", "My name is difficult to spell", "My husband's name means much more to him than mine does to me." etc.

Thing is... about the same number of men will have names that they don't like, are hard to spell etc. Yet, with extremely rare exceptions, men do not abandon their names and take their wife's. It simply wouldn't occur to them, and they'd laugh if you suggested it. Because they know, even if some deny it, that taking your spouse's name is a highly gendered decision, and does imply that the woman's identity is subsumed into her husband's. No man would do that.

Funny how half the women who change their name are delighted to change from a difficult name to an easy one and the other half are delighted to change from a boring, common one to something more interesting. Never the blokes who feel that way
Funny that

Lol just made the same point above!

Why don't people just admit that they like the tradition of taking a man's name?

There is no such thing in the UK as a legal name so all these relatives/florists are doing is embarrassing themselves. You can call yourself whatever you like. The challenge is in proving to public bodies, banks etc that that is the name you usually go by so that they are able to track you down if you get caught speeding or stop paying your mortgage - all a deed poll is is a piece of paper confirming that but due to social convention a marriage certificate will do the same thing if you want it to.

Interestingly I found out recently that when my parents got married my dad offered to take my mum's name. He is a bit of an outlier though.

Mil announced that "there was no point getting married if you don't change your name! "

I was never going to change my name and didn't and do answer with" but why would I change my name?? It's mine"

Pils in past have sent parcels to Mrs BruiseDhsname and when I missed post l had issues collecting these at post office. Asked them to please use my name in future as stated on all my IDs
they decided that wasn't acceptable and now all parcels get addressed to DH even on my birthday ( live abroad)
It's fine I just roll my eyes as they also don't believe we're really married as it wasn't a church wedding!!!

I have taken both my husbands surnames, wasn't at all feminist in my thinking first time around, was second time but I'd kept my 1st husband's surname all these years so didn't want to have that on second marriage!

However - whilst I know many women who have kept their surname on marriage, in every case bar one their children have their husband's surname. Not becoming their husband's possession is clearly fine but not having their children as their husband's possession - not so much!

We agreed together to both change to his mother’s maiden name. This would neatly sidestep a number of the questions that might be asked, and allowed the family name to be the same and to come from ‘his side’ which was important to him.

I had a double barrelled name as both my parents kept their own, and I disliked always having a name that didn’t fit on certificates and invitations. I’d also spent my life in a household with 3 different surnames and was bored and frustrated by the questions asked. Especially the one about whether if I married someone else with a double barrelled name would our children have all 4 surnames. I was asked that constantly from around the age of ten, well before anyone should have thought it appropriate to ask what my mythical future husband and children would be like.

I (me. Not him) wanted one surname in the house. He didn’t care so much about my surname but cared that his children shared his.

Given that last point I shouldn’t have been surprised he reneged about 3 weeks prior and insisted on keeping his name. And I changed to his.

If I’d been older or I’d liked my surname or had made any mark on the world with my original name I would like to think I wouldn’t have given in. But probably I would have.

Fun story - turned out (I discovered well after travelling on a passport with the double barrelled name and having bank accounts etc) that when I was born the law where we were stated that if the father was named on the birth certificate then the baby automatically had that name. Rules changed before my younger siblings were born, so all had double barrelled on their BC. One sibling has since dropped my mother’s surname by deed poll and I still have hers as my legal middle name.

Name changing is probably the one thing that I would do differently if I were to go back in time and get re-married (I'd keep the groom ). I married pretty young, and didn't quite have the confidence to keep my name. Plus I genuinely wanted to drop a name that ALWAYS had to spelled out to one that everyone knows

But back the OP - legally you can call yourself anything you want. You could tell people who ask you about it that you are toying with becoming Althea Lilycrap Warlingham Cholmondeley, but will probably just keep your existing name. There are rules around eg changing your name in order to avoid paying taxes, or to commit fraud, but most people can decide to become "known as" at the drop of a hat. Banks might not change their paperwork without a marriage certificate or a deed poll, but how often do you give out your bank details to your friends and acquaintances?

@icedpurple yes exactly.

And the number of women who feel it is way too much paperwork to change back to their maiden name when they get divorced. Yet this wasn’t a problem at all when they married?!

Because they know, even if some deny it, that taking your spouse's name is a highly gendered decision, and does imply that the woman's identity is subsumed into her husband's. No man would do that.

A very rare man indeed would do that.

Interesting though. I think there are consequences for us if we don’t take the man’s surname. My current DP was previously married, and his wife did not work ever. It was very gendered. He took on all bills, all paperwork. She still has his name and still likes him to ‘look after her’ - this does directly relate to her having his name still I feel. No one will ever be honest, but she still wants to belong to him, and have her tv repaired etc by him, and has a house bought by him. DP probably still likes this, he feels needed, a provider etc (bleurgh!)

He does not see me in the same way at all, financially or otherwise. Even though I do have his child too. I think this is partly a consequence of my not taking his name, (and also from being independent and self sufficient.)

It’s not equal between us, I do think he skirmishes some responsibility.

Just an observation OP!

I personally changed my name as I have a very unusual first name (think old testament, barely ever used nowadays and yes, I hated it for decades) and also had a pretty uncommon Irish surname. I quite liked the idea of only having to spell one name for people. Yes, it was as deeply thought through as that. Call me shallow.

I have many many friends who have also changed their names on marriage, and many many friends who haven't. I'm of the "do what you prefer" camp and have no judgement either way. All surnames are male anyway. We don't use our mother's surname, and even if we did, it would be HER father's surname, and his father's before him.

I’m honestly not judging you @bloomcountry but I don’t for one moment think it’s because your surname was strange that you changed it. I think we need to be a bit honest!

'We don't use our mother's surname, and even if we did, it would be HER father's surname, and his father's before him.'

At what point can a woman call a name her own? I'd love to know.

I use both surnames (mine & DH's, in that order). He uses just his. DC both surnames.
People still can't understand this, even after well over 10 years of marriage.

Call people by the name they ask you to!

Hmmm

"I don't think for a moment"

You could have stopped right there, Bananasinpyjamas11.

I believe you.

Ouch! I actually really don’t want to come across as horrible. I have many friends who have the same reasons etc. I’m sorry that was blunt, however it can be quite demoralising, as someone who didn’t change their name, to see so obviously that someone is changing for gender reasons (and totally their choice tbh) - but dressing it up as something else.

But as I said, I’m basically a live and let live person so I don’t want to upset you or anyone.

At what point can a woman call a name her own? I'd love to know.

Me too. I don't suppose there are any, unless you are known by the work you do (and even then, it's always been the man's name that's been given to the children).

I guess the way to solve that would be changing your name to whatever you want it to be. Just choose a surname that resonates with you, irrespective of family ties or traditions, and use it. Then it would truly be yours, wouldn't it?

Why is it so crazy to believe people change their names because they have a difficult to spell/pronounce name? That was literally my only reasoning in my decision. There was no ulterior motive from the ingrained patricarchy
I just got sick of having a surname constantly mispronounced (it only really sounds right with a polish accent anyway), and misspelled - it has 7 consonants If we’d have got married and lived in Poland I would have without doubt kept my name and then double-barrelled our DCs names. My name just sounds ridiculous when English people try to say it

So men are born with their own name and women are merely borrowing a man's name. Gotcha.