Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

[TinselAngel]

The previous thread is nearly full, so here is a shiny new one.

I'm thrilled that this took off enough to merit a second thread.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason.

Tired - your boundaries need to be really iron cast as he will push and push and push. I wouldn't have him in the house at all personally as once he goes full femme he'll most likely get you into huge debt and at least if you have a formal separation and he has a new address and credit in only his name the impact will be less on you.

Good point ima. Would you keep him in the house for financial reasons, or for your kids, or both? I wonder if you could formally separate, including financially, so that everything is separate and your finances are safe. That wouldn't stop you living in the same house.Part of the consideration with kids is protecting your finances and there are many awful stories on this thread about the money being frittered rapidly when someone transitions.

Tired, ditto on being careful about your spouse running up debt. After my now-ex and I agreed to divorce and he agreed that he would only spend money on a therapist until our legal/financial separation was in place, he immediately spent thousands on wigs, clothing, electrolysis and waxing, etc.

That was my experience as well, plus my ex has stolen thousands from us, stealing our possessions and selling them. Every time he has visited he has stolen something, so I had to ban him from the house.

Tired, if you separate but live in the same house you will be giving him full freedom to explore the cross dressing, whilst continuing to act as his beard. I can't think of anything much worse.

If you want to separate, you should get advice about what benefits you might be entitled to eg tax credits- you might be surprised. You could go to your local CAB for advice.

Please ignore the morons on the other thread who are minimising this. It is likely to escalate. Even if it doesn't, you have the right to not be able to accept it and to walk away. It's not what you signed up for.

Tired's thread:
Cross dressing husband www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3601323-Cross-dressing-husband

Tired I agree with the others on this thread that you need to be very clear in your boundaries. In my experience he will push them and he will spend family money on it so you need to separate your finances as soon as you separate. I’ve said this before but it’s like an addict’s behaviour. When he ‘needs’ to crossdress then he won’t think about the financial or emotional impact on you or your family, he will do everything he can do get his next fix. That will probably mean spending a lot of money on clothes, make up, wigs etc without thinking or caring about the consequences. Because of this I would also be concerned about the impact it has on your children if he is still in the house. I know that they are aware but knowing about it and actually seeing it is very different. Once he is ‘free’ because he is separated, he may choose to dress more often and be less careful who sees.

Also yes to ignoring the ‘i’d be cool with it’/ ‘they’re just clothes’ / ‘if I can wear trousers then why can’t he wear a dress’ / ‘it’s just a harmless kink’ lot. They appear on all threads like yours and they have no clue how it can absolutely destroy you and make you doubt everything. Everything you feel and fear is completely normal and you shouldn’t feel ashamed of hating everything about this.

Thank you all for your support it’s good to hear it from people in a likewise situation. I am lucky with the financial side we never have had joint accounts. I have said that we don’t want to see any of his alter ego side of him, The youngest DC doesn’t quite understand what’s going on she thinks daddy will stop, as I said he told me twice before he wouldn’t do it again. I am such a soft touch and worry about everyone, which is probably why he’s still here.

Sounds like daddy needs to take responsibility for telling the children and answering their questions. I certainly wanted my ex to totally own that and make his promises about dressing behaviour (rapidly and spectacularly broken). You still need to be careful he doesn't fritter 'his' money with implications for you and you would be really wise to get legal advice on how to safeguard your money and home if you go ahead with what is an unusual arrangement. My teens found my ex's dressing intolerable, distressing and 'creepy' and ended up feeling he was a stranger and at times sinister which has caused my youngest great trauma. You absolutely sound 'too nice'. You can continue to be you (nice) but I hope you do formalise the separation a bit. Do you think your kids would prefer him to stay albeit dressing (seems inevitable you will all see it) or leave? Mine were glad he left and they had some control about seeing him.

"He said twice he won't do it again"!!
I had over 25 years of the same conversation. You get to the point of losing your mind.
Think about yourself and the children.
If he is restricted from dressing then over time he will became very irritable and depressed. I remember coming home from work early one day and he was standing in front of the bathroom mirror putting makeup on and getting ready to leave the house for a counsellors appt.
Good idea for him to move out.
Your life will get calmer.
Take care

I have also had the ‘I won’t do it again, you’re more important to me’ conversation several times. It’s part of the binge/purge cycle. They promise to stop and throw out all the clothes and associated stuff. A few weeks or months later they’re back ordering more things or raiding your wardrobe. It doesn’t ever stop and it gets more depressing each time.

Yes. I also had that several times.

Reading all messages about money spent on make up etc . It reminded me of the anger I felt , when before we separated , he accused me of stealing . We had a joint account., I worked full time from before marriage , small maternity break . Did not spend on myself rather keeping money for family . But for about a year before the break , knowing the s - - - was only going to get worse , I started to stash away small amounts . Of course it didn't take long & I was called a thief . This coming from one who had spent thousands on clothes, shoes , make up , wigs & as for the electrolysis don't go there . I am so glad to be managing my money however little there is . Thanks again Tinsel for starting this wonderful thread .

tired just want to say look after yourself in all of it otherwise it'll eat away at you. This thread is amazing, first time I read through the whole thing was the first time I realised I wasn't alone! It's not 'just clothes' for my DH it's a whole lot of other creepy behaviour that I'm not okay with. Look after you x

Hi @Lasttobepickedatgames - have you been on the thread before? I don't recognise your user name. (But there's so many of us now, I could have just forgotten). If you are new and would like to share your story then please do

Tinsel Joined in at around page 26. I've been stuck with DH and his 'other ID' for a while now. I'm bi so have been part of the LGBT community on and off over the years and initially accepted DH and believed he accepted me for who I was. I felt under pressure to be open minded about him and for a while I was.

The 'other ID' consumed his life and actually it was and is very offensive to anybody actually female. Think: submissive; fantasies of being raped; wearing corset; tiny skirt; sky high heels but with his penis showing. DH lives his life online chatting to other men with similar fetishes and sharing pictures. I don't want to go into too much detail because it's humiliating for me and it'll also be a turn on for any creeps who may happen upon this thread.

The whole thing has broken me and I'm a shell of who I was. I'm leaving and slowly building up funds to do so. DH is also shit with money I've had to sort out massive debts of his making. The situation has made me openly GC because from my personal experience DH has a fetish that's creepy. I don't want him near me and somebody like him shouldn't be in womens spaces.

Reading this thread has been a life line. I feel less alone and I can relate to what the other posters are talking about. I have also posted elsewhere on feminism chat as the whole experience has made me wake up to the fact my rights as a woman will be eroded because of men with what is a fetish. In a weird way my private life (having my boundaries pushed and gaslighted) mirrors what's happening in society right now.

Just dipped into this thread. I have bipolar partner Emily and it sounds very accurate. Obsessive spending (of other people's money) and high sex drive very accurate, as is hobby thing.

Apparently it's a known thing, here's a link describing one Trans CD journey into compulsively high behaviour:

Psychologytoday Article

One of the reasons I've posted is because my AGP partner told me he was extra special, that no other man was like him. He was a special unique person.

I felt very alone in trying to understand what was going on. I felt I was the only one with a husband who was so compulsive.

All the information I could get told me to "get over myself" and have fun. For me not to be so prudish, embrace all the shopping fun I could have with my special girlfriend. I mean, the relationship board people on Mumsnet are still saying this.

But the more women post, the more we can see that they are very much all the same. The behaviour and escalation, the mental health issues. Where these issues come from, ie poor to abusive childhood. They are all the same (even down to the type of career they choose).

The more women post what is really going on (and you have to live with an AGP to really see this compulsion). The more we can see we are being gaslighted. The more future women can make an INFORMED decision to live with a crossdresser/Trans woman

I've been thinking of putting together some freedom programme style guidance as to how their behaviour escalates.

I might start another thread for it.

Sending support to you all.

My father was one of these men. He decided to transition in his sixties. He made lots of promises to me about how nothing would change and how important our relationship was, and promptly forgot them all. There was no support for me it seemed (and indeed there still isn't) but lots of support for these men. It felt like the expectation was that I should be like one of the Jenner sisters supporting their fathers. In reality, I feel like my father has gone and I don't know who this stranger is. He still makes appearances in my dreams sometimes, but always looking like my dad.

The first time I met him after announcing his transition then he was wearing a short skirt, blonde wig, heeled boots and painted nails. He talked using strange unnatural new mannerisms. When he met my baby, it was like he tried to act like some grandmother figure, constantly kissing it and saying things like "I'd love to put you in my bag and take you home with me" (despite clearly not really knowing what to do with a baby).

There is so much more I could write and say about him and my thoughts on it, but it would make me feel much too vulnerable and be ever so outing. I've already said more than I feel I should in some ways. I've never had anyone to talk about things to really. I started posting on mumsnet when I was struggling with my colicky baby, and stumbled across these threads containing so many thoughts that I'd felt unable to share or articulate.

Hi Haz, thank you for being so brave and posting. I am really interested in the impact on children of whatever age, as my kids (who are currently estranged from their father since his excessively rapid and insensitive transition) are surrounded by media coverage of children/adult children who have positive experiences. It is very isolating to feel uncomfortable or bewildered (or in my children's case) creeped-out and frightened by the transitioning parent. And there is absolutely nowhere safe to say that stuff. One of my children felt they were with a stranger (which felt unsafe and sinister), and the bewildering grief of a living bereavement and very mixed emotions makes it an enormously difficult place to be. I'm so glad you have shared with us as the issues are so similar for 'widows'. I hope your life is going okay now.

Thank you for sharing that Haz. The impact on my children is something I really worry about. It is one of the reasons I haven’t left. While he is in the house, he is hiding it. If I kick him out then who knows what he will wear when he sees them. I want to protect them as far as I can.
When I was very young my parents had a friend who would always turn up dressed as a woman. I was little so I thought it was hilarious. I remember my parents saying that his wife was fine with it. I don’t ever remember meeting her though so it makes me wonder now how fine she actually was and it’s only through my own experience that I have questioned it. They had children too. It’s only now that I think about them and the impact it had on them. It was probably 30 years ago so I don’t know if they’re still in contact now but I hope that the wife had the strength to leave if that’s what she wanted.

Last, I also went through that phase of being supportive and thinking we could make this work. Going to counseling, going to a transgender support group, etc. It was a waste of time and in retrospect, damaging to me, as it just meant that my DH could continue breaking promises to me and pushing boundaries that we had agreed to. At this point I view my ex's late in life transition as a life-consuming addiction just like heroin.

You can't control it. You can maybe slow it down, but in my opinion the detrimental effect that attempting this has on your health is not worth it.

We can't take responsibility for their relationships with our children. That's up to them to manage.

Thanks to new posters for sharing their stories.