Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

[TinselAngel]

The previous thread is nearly full, so here is a shiny new one.

I'm thrilled that this took off enough to merit a second thread.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason.

Not a transwidow either. But this thread is to support the women who are. Centring them, their voices, their experience.

It's very straightforward really.

Miricles I agree that transvestites have largely disappeared, and now go down the trans route.. I don't think it's very fashionable to admit to getting a kick out of cross-dressing, but it's very 'in', and absolutely protected, to instead identify as trans.

There are several problems with your suggestion that our 'support' needs are in fact a need for education/re-education. (I think most of us are reluctantly extremely well-informed about gender issues, by necessity...)

Seeing the solution for unhappy partners as education is judgemental, and ideology-based, and not really about 'support' at all. The only organisations offering 'support' to partners primarily work to support trans people, so they have a very clear ideology and I would argue are poorly-placed to ethically offer non-judgemental, neutral 'support' (just like the abortion 'counselling' being offered by LIFE and SPUC).

Unhappy partners regularly report that these organisations offer, after an acknowledgement of the trauma and loss involved, re-education and encouragement of acceptance. People are counselled that they are in denial of a factual truth about their partner's gender and find the experience negates their experience and personal history. They are likely to be encouraged not to 'misgender' their partner, when decent counselling should support someone's lived experience.

I for that reason had generic counselling which was NOT about politicized re-education, correcting my thinking, and did not seek to keep my marriage intact. I was allowed to talk about my ex as 'he' and as a man, and was validated and accepted as not believing that he is really a woman. Ethical relationship counselling does not set out to keep a couple together, but for some reason where one party is trans, this seems to be an acceptable aim... sadly the familiar story of different standards applying where someone is trans.

Those are all great articles (Thanks R0wan) and I would have to say I agree wholeheartedly with Tinsel. I feel suspicious that any gender related organisation that aims to 'teach' women about how it's supposedly unlikely their cross-dressing partner will ever transition flies in the face of the experiences of those of us who have gone through it. No matter what they say, these AGPs can't - or won't - stop, and it is becoming easier for them all the time - I mean, they now get kudos and protection from certain quarters for being trans, so why wouldn't they go public?

I'm really not interested in learning even more being gaslighted further about gender nonsense from people or groups that are so selfish and deluded. And it is nonsense, with no relation to reality - we mustn't forget that!

In fact the entire reason I set up these threads is to counteract all that.

In fact the entire reason I set up these threads is to counteract all that

Quite. And it's revealing to all us lurkers when efforts are made to make you change direction. Fruitless though they are.

Suspect Iworkmiricles is yet another tiresome genderist who fondly believes that if we were better educated we'd be in favour of their ideology.

We get them all too frequently on general FWR threads. For them to try to gatecrash this thread is spectacularly inappropriate.

I am desperately trying to understand what is going on in my husbands head.
I couldn't understand why he isn't cross dressing,
Why at the present he continues to live as man until hormone treatment starts.
Why despite dropping this bomb shell on me a few years ago, other than appointments and leg shaving I haven't seen any outside signs of it.
Because this frustrates me because I want him to show an outward sign so I can justify to myself that I have to get the man who I married and had children with, who still shows affection to me, who still wants my support, to move out, to allow me to move on.
So that I can tell my children that Dad wants to be a woman, so they can accept the changes, so they can see it.
So we can deal with all the rubbish many others already deal with at the moment, because it looms over me like a dark cloud.

Everyone is very different, many of you have cross dressing partners, I don't, I don't know what is going on and I just wondered if anyone else out there was going through the same as ME, who is desperately trying to make sense of the changes in their world. For me, that's finding out facts and gaining as much information as I can. I am sick of the whole "it's all about the man, you are doing the wrong thing not supporting him" I want my side to be heard, but I am dealing with it in the best way that I can. If you don't think that you can support me in my different views or approach, fine,.

A trans widow who attempts to understand the made up, and contradictory world of transgender ideology is assisting in their own brain washing and looking for help in the wrong places. That way lies madness.

And there are many organisations run by transgender people who are happy to help women who want to go down that path.

This thread takes an unashamedly gender critical approach in helping to liberate women who do not wish to support their partner's stunning and brave journey to be their authentic self.

Men do this because they can. Anybody who is unhappy in a relationship has the right to leave.

And that advice is based on bitter experience!

Miricles You may not get the answers you want/need from your husband if you haven't already had them. You might be better-off starting to work out what you want to do.
Sounds like you have enough evidence that he is going ahead with transition, to make a decision and plan for that.

If he is so supportive and you are so amicable, you could go to couples therapy to have those decisive conversations.
I wouldn't get hung up on how he is doing it; he IS doing it, so you now have to decide whether you stay or go, or wait.
And if you are wanting him to go, you might want to focus your energies on getting legal/financial advice, telling him what you want etc. Are you doing those things?
I'm not sure why you feel he has to wear the clothes, to progress this personally and with your children, given he has made his decision.
…?
Men often don't dynamically progress things and expect partners to do that work, so you may be better off getting cracking on some planning and decision-making.

Just dropping in to recommend that no-one sends a PM on here to anyone newly-arrived.

Thanks Socialworker, I think I am just so confused.

Iworkmiricles I tried to understand, I became very internalized, I looked for faults in myself, I'm not saying I'm perfect but the honest truth I learned this, it's not and never was your fault nor anyone else's for that matter. You can no sooner catch the wind than try to totally understand their situation. I made a huge mistake once, I apologised for failing him in some way because as he so often pointed out it was always my fault and as always he turned on me telling me I had destroyed the normality of our life together. There is no normality in living a lie. You said he wants your support, why should you support him, where his his genuine support for you and his children? I know that in my case my children and I were 'the beards' his way of getting where he wanted to be in life with the outward appearance of respectability. They are for the most part Narcissists, they would throw you under that bus if it meant saving themselves. The only person that they are truly totally in love with is and always will be their own reflection in that mirror. I know how hard that is to hear. What I would say is run. It's not our thinking that is at fault and why should we turn ourselves into pretzels trying to re-educate and retrain our minds and our values for someone who has so little respect for us. I'm all about diversity, I understand that there are many issues surrounding sexuality but they choose to marry us, have children with us when they knew from an early age they were living a lie. GET ANGRY, STAY ANGRY AND GET OUT IF YOU CAN.

Socialworker 222 , I identified with what you & others have said about getting the right counselling . Over too many years I have been left thinking I was the villain . As I am about to visit the GP , my state of mind at a big low . Can anybody advise who & where I can get positive counselling for me as a trans widow . As tho I agree with Candanita 1 , my anger is not a good thing . Isn't it so unfair what happens to us .

Maybe anger is the wrong word, maybe righteous indignation is better suited, that we and our feelings etc.....are so disposable in their eyes.

Cadanita 1 , thanks for your post . It's difficult to voice all I want to . The only way I found this God send of a thread , was because I read the news item, about Mumsnet being asked for a users details . It's sad that "they" & I don't mean Mumsnet , are able to stifle our righteous indignation . Again a huge heart felt thanks to you & Tinsel Angel & all the other trans widows who post on here for being who we are .
REAL BRAVE WOMEN !!!!

Tatiana, look for a therapist that deals with abuse. They are well aware of the games that can be played by an abuser.

I was with a "transwoman" for just under a year.

"What I remember most are the lies, the continual boundary pushing and the gradual escalation into complete self obsession."

^This about sums up the relationship.

After correspondence with the people organising the research study at the University of Nottingham, linked up thread, I've concluded that they are not organised enough that I would consider trusting them with any confidential information whatsoever.

That sentence has ended up a bit convoluted but hopefully you get the gist!

I don't wish to hijack this thread, but inspired by the discussion here, I started a new one
Not a widow, not a sibling, but once close to someone trans who committed suicide
Any comments or perspective you can offer would be welcome there.

Maybe one day someone will do a research project not funded by organisations primarily supporting transitioning people, to look into partner's support needs without any initial position of keeping partners in relationships...we can dream.

I am not trying to gain sympathy for your partners I just want to ask a question which I'm hoping might help me understand what is going on. Dh's counselor has suggested that he actually has a sex addiction. He gets a 'high' from dressing up. But, like any addiction, he needs more and more to achieve the same result. Counselor thinks this is why Dh has been able to stop in the past but ultimately goes back to it. I have spoken with Dh and he says that at the moment he absolutely definitely does not want to be a woman f/t but he says he can now see how it happens just as alcoholics let drink take over their lives, he can see how acting out can be the same.

He is also being treated for anxiety and depression. During his sessions he is opening up about his childhood, which wasn't very good at times and he was taught that 'Boys don't cry' so finds it very difficult expressing any emotions. The counselor is confident that he can be taught new coping strategies and remain 'sober'.

Anyway, here is my question, does that sound realistic? Could it be that emotionally stunted men become sex addicts (some studies do support this bit of my theory) and then rather than seek help with their issues and confront their demons it's somehow easier to follow the 'stunning and brave' narrative where they are welcomed with open arms and all the support for their 'journey' they could ever need?

I really hope I haven't offended or upset anyone, if I have I am very sorry. It's just I had everything in my head ready to leave and now I feel I have been thrown some hope but I don't want to waste my life if the hope doesn't exsit.

I don't understand how he is a sex addict? I think you said you've not been involved in any cross dressing sex with him? Who is he having all the cross dressing sex with?