Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

[TinselAngel]

The previous thread is nearly full, so here is a shiny new one.

I'm thrilled that this took off enough to merit a second thread.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason.

Socialworker222, Absolutely agree. I think that the socialization that women go through contributes so much to muddy the situation. Sacrifice is admired. Putting the family before yourself. Try harder. Stand by your man. Don't rock the boat. And religion? Don't get me started!

In the world I left, everything was upside- down. Black was white. Men were women. Bad was good. Weakness was strength. Years after I left, i started reading the forums for women involved with these men, and I was just outraged at the advice given to partners. The more the women gave, the more they blindly trusted, the fewer questions they asked, the more they compromised...the greater the admiration and praise given to them. In the meantime, the advice to the men was to "start small", to minimize its importance, to gradually expose the wife to more and more...and more. And this behavior Was. Not. Sexual...heavens no! Always with an emphasis on "open and honest communication". It's almost as if the men were aware of the damage they were doing to their partners, the effect of confusion, anxiety, and isolation on the mind of their partners. They were grooming their partners to be their ideal spouse.

These forums were a tiny corner of the internet back in the day. They were all that were available to the women. Now, this thinking is mainstream, with counselors, families, friends all on-board. Women need to be able to talk about this.

I don’t think what you say is harsh Tinsel. I am one that has chosen to stay. I don’t know how long for, or if it would be forever but I have made up my mind that one more lie will be the last one and my husband knows this. I have also decided that I leave the minute I am more unhappy with him than I would be without him and the minute he crosses one more boundary. At the moment I do still love him most of the time despite everything but I feel stronger having made this decision.
For me leaving would be a hard move, we have young dc, no family support nearby, I am a SAHM and most of all I couldn’t bear to be apart from my dc for a day or two a week or for Christmas and birthdays. I feel that I need to become financially independent and have a plan should I decide to leave. I am taking steps to become financially independent.
Despite choosing to stay for now, I have awful days and weeks where it makes me completely miserable. I would never have married my husband if I had known about it and I have a lot of respect for those of you that have left. It’s very comforting to hear your stories and it makes me feel less alone. I can’t tell anyone in RL so you are all I have and i’m very glad I found you. You reinforce my view that’s it’s ok to hate this and to refuse to tolerate it in any form.
T1me I agree that it’s like an addiction. My husband goes through phases of it and when he is in one of those phases he can’t think of anything else. He’s willing to risk everything to get his fix and has absolutely no regaifor anyone’s feelings other than his own.

Hi Tinsel Still finding my path forward alone.
Struggling some days. Rollercoaster of emotions.
Heartbroken really that they can destroy us like this.
The utter manipulation and boundary pushing.
I would recommend anyone to move on with their lives.
Easier out than In.
A lot of changes. About to lose family home, financially punished and the person you most want to talk to is the person causing all the upset!.
Lots of hugs and admiration for all you Great women

Yewneek, I am pleased that the existence of this thread is helping you to make an informed choice. I wish I'd have known how it was likely to go rather than having to endure it all on my own in ignorance.

And thanks for the reassurance, everyone. This thread isn't about me, but like everyone else on it I need support sometimes. 

Start, I'm pleased you're soldiering on 

Cadanita, the only words of comfort I can think of is what my (also divorced) friend and I always say "Imagine how much worse it would have been if we'd stayed with them".

And to non trans widow posters, there's no problem with you posting on here supportively.

abby, I hope you stick around on the thread as your insight is invaluable.

Inexplicable bold fails there, but hopefully people can pick their names out.

Agree. Start, good for you and just hang on in there. We can hear all your mixed emotions, and I take my hat off to you that you can see a better future, even though you are right in the middle of the losses and pain. One of the most helpful things for me about this thread is the range of experience, with people 'out the other side', those just finding out, and people like me moving through a couple of years on.
Debate, interesting question. Later-life transition/AGP certainly seems to relate to personality disorder - commonly it is assumed that trans people experience high levels of distress, self-harm, suicidal threats and behaviour because of the pressures of being trans. However, it may well be chicken and egg, the other way round, with some people with personality and identity/emotional/attachment difficulties being drawn to the idea of trans... professionals of course are not allowed to dare to suggest this, even if they are hugely experienced. A friend working in a GIC reports that the vast majority of people he works with seeking transition have pre-existing personality disorders, but this cannot be addressed or questioned. So it would make sense to me that it may also be addiction-like. The pleasure-reward business would entirely make sense, the preoccupation, the repetitive need to gratify the urge... but I've never seen any work on it (there is of course far too little work on the mental health aspects of this, apart from the simplistic assumption that if you are trans, it is tough going.... parents in trans-questioning groups like 4thWaveNow raise this commonly (ie their child already had mental health/ASD problems, then turned to trans as the answer, but professionals don't recognize that order of events).

I have stumbled across this "light" , in what has become a very black tunnel . To read posts & realise that I am not mad or abnormal to feel the way I have , is beyond words . After nearly 40 years of lies & uncertainty , to the now that is so sad but at the same time so anger inducing . But at least , I have found a voice .

Thanks Social
Question- my bxxxtard stbxh is still presenting Male with a couple of local friends and in the company of his family, who now are wondering/enquiring why I have a PROBLEM with him? His family have been told by him that he is Trans but he is still living a double life.
Struggling to get my head around this?
Thanks to all you Great MNers for support

Tgiana 40 years?

Start, sorry I'm not sure what your question is? If people ask what your "problem" is then you should tell them.

I have told his family that I no longer have anything to do with him and they know Why!. But it's him presenting one minute Male with them, next visit, oh btw I'm femme.
I guess his family have to make up there own minds how much they deal with his narcissistic traits!

Not your circus or your monkeys any more Start.

Can I ask a question? How many of us on here actually started to question their own sanity? The more of the truth we told, the more of a liar we were made feel? I know what it's like to have your credulity questioned over and over again. I know the feeling of needing validation, the need to prove myself not to be the person I've been made out to be. In my case after the discussion with his mum, I've realised the mask that he portrayed and I was living with is slipping. People will start to see the truth. I dont know and cant speak for anyone else but I think it's time to raise our heads above the parapet and let OUR truth be told for all to see. I want a book out with each one of our heart wrenching stories. We've all lived with the silent hurt, sometimes the shame and the feeling we have nowhere and sometimes no one to turn to and gone through, what's wrong with me, why have I failed, why was I not enough, did he see something in me that was so easily manipulated? I know I went into our marriage for all the right reasons but now I find myself asking did he ever love me? Was I not good enough? Did I not deserve more? Was I not worth more? Then I answered them with one very strong answer, at the root of the problem I WAS NOT TO BLAME! I ENTERED A MARRIAGE THAT WAS HANDICAPPED FROM THE BEGINNING. I WAS THE VICTIM AND I WANT MY POWER AND MY LIFE BACK!

And I think it's time our voices were raised, infact shouted, screamed! I think it's time that we were seen! Why are we the ones left to suffer in silence?

Credibility* stupid auto correct lol.

Cadenita1, losing trust in yourself is one of the many effects of Gaslighting. I definitely felt like I was losing my mind. Then that became just another weapon in his arsonal to keep me quiet. He would tell me that no one would believe me if I told them what was going on. When I began to bulk, he set me up to family and friends as an unstable housewife on Zoloft. It worked for the most part.

Abby time to take them down me thinks! I obviously do not have and issue with and totally accept the condition. My issue is with falsely entering into a marriage. I would love to know if there can be a legal argument. TinselAngel I want to thank you for inviting me to this thread. Without you I would still be in the same position.

Sorry to intrude but I just wanted to say that when people are discussing the rights and wrongs of pronouns it is the stories on this thread that I hold in my mind. The use of she and her is not a kindness if it hurts women such as yourselves. I do not want to add further to the lies and gaslighting that you all have experienced. I think your stories would highlight this issue but I understand that your lives are not a political debate.

ssnvoices.libsyn.com/s1-ep-10-a-personal-conversation-with-kristin-orr-cis-wife-and-creator-of-the-one-woman-show-wheres-my-parade

Interesting podcast with interview with a Trans Widow.

Oh dear , unlike most of you I am prehistoric . Just managed to do a post opening up & sharing a bit . Then I lost it , I think . Already very low tonight , so almost last straw . But thank you Tinsel Angel for listening .

Has anyone ever tried discreetly switching her phone onto 'record' when sensing he's about to indulge?

If you need evidence for family & friends (maybe even yourself when he's making you doubt everything) a recording can be more powerful than you trying to explain to a disbelieving audience.

Of course not if it puts you in danger.

Hi @Tgiana - try saving it as a word document first, then you won't lose it

So many posts , I'm trying to take it all in. My nightmare began in 1976 & I married the man , I believed was going to be my soul mate , till one of us died . Of course , like a lot of us it never occurred to me , I was already being lied to . Early years of marriage & then family are good distractions . But once the children left, what had already been going on (early 1980''s ) , stepped up a gear . Like many of us , I'd got used to this battle & kept hoping . The last 10 years he got ready. I meanwhile gradually "disappeared" . Now just over 18mths since the awful night , I am still trying to work it out . Sadly & stupidly over the years , any friends I made , when I thought they were getting too close to my "secret" , I ceased contact with them. So now the loneliness is very hard . He meanwhile had the network he'd lied & lied to set up . I know we've all got similar stories . The thing is however hard it is , for those of us who are safe to do so , we need to speak out . If we can stop any other women being drawn into this misery then the B- - -ers won't have won .

Meeting my solicitor and barrister on the 1st re-ancillary relief. What questions do we need answered if we are going to move forward?

Tgiana You're right, those who are going through it now could benefit from the insights of those who are 'out of the woods'. I do like the idea of a book, perhaps a follow-up to the one Abbys published before.

Cadanita I'm not sure because I was never actually married to my ex, but hopefully someone with more information will be able to help you.

Start

I shall be in touch about to request contributions and share more about book plans shortly, all being well.

Cadanita1, your solicitor is the best person to advise really. His conduct won't be taken into account in the financial settlement, unfortunately. I found recommendations from divorced friends was the best way to choose a solicitor.