Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

[TinselAngel]

The previous thread is nearly full, so here is a shiny new one.

I'm thrilled that this took off enough to merit a second thread.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason.

T1meForDebate I am being very nosy and you can totally ignore me but when you say "I have two friends who are trans, one in each direction." Are these friends married to people who are the opposite sex or are they gay couples, where one lesbian has become a man or a gay man a woman.

I'm interested because I do know of an opposite sex couple where the woman transitioned but it seems quite rare.

In a gay couple I do wonder of there is now more pressure for one to transition.

In the series the making of me, if I remember correctly, only female partners were affected. There was no make, gay or straight, who had a partner transitioning.

Sorry 'There was no male, gay or straight, who had a partner transitioning.'

Thanks for posting that Spartacus.

Ooh Spartacus that's naefearty! Thanks for posting!
Here's one of Jackie/nae's very eye opening posts naefearty.wordpress.com/2014/07/22/gas-mark-six/

This is the first time I've read this. The hairs are standing up on my arms (Unlike my ex, I don't feel a need to remove all my body hair to be a woman...)
This has to be one of the best summaries of so many experiences on this thread, with some killer lines:
'Many women are surviving through disassociation' - this is surely that shell-shocked, closed-up thing mentioned earlier.
'erasure of their right to name their reality and to set boundaries. There is no such thing as a line in the sand when it comes to trans desire. He gota have what he gotta have.' So true.
And I agree, Tinsel, we are all so grateful to you for opening these threads for us;I hope you are aware of the daily difference it makes to know you are not alone in your experiences and perceptions (no, you're not going mad etc.).

Italiangreyhound - sorry, one female to male married to a man, one male to female married to a woman. I had never met a FTM before, and before meeting the husband had assumed from appearance and behaviour 'ah yes, boyish lesbian' - but the hubby rather took me aback! So much of this whole business has, tho.

Correction - as far as I KNOW i'd never met a FTM before. From watching You Tube videos I've been surprised how much more convincing FTMs than MTFs seem to be. Maybe it's 'broken voice and a beard' reads so MALE that I've just not realised before (FTM friend has neither). There also seems to be less tendency to mimic and parody 'male behaviour' in a grotesque and creepy way than the other way round.

That article is really interesting ALittleBit. It’s exactly right that women living with this feel disassociated and end up feeling like they are part of the problem. I know I have really struggled with worrying that part of the problem is me not being open minded enough and that i’m being controlling by saying I won’t tolerate it. Rationally i’m not of course. I would never have married him knowing about this and he chose to keep it from me. At the moment my Dh does his best to hide everything from me. I always (or at least I think) find out when he’s been dressing though. The escalation that so many of you describe really scares me. I certainly would walk away the minute he felt the need to do it in front of me or involve me in any way.
One question I have to ask, for those of you that have been married to cross dressers, is it just a private thing for them? Since I found out, I have discovered 100s of photos of my Dh in different outfits and poses that he has taken. Is it likely that he has shared these with anyone? He says not and that it’s a completely private thing but then he’s denied a lot of things until faced with the evidence.

MsVanilla
Why make an unpleasant comment on a thread that supports women who get little or no support elsewhere.
As someone who escaped an abusive marriage, where my ex indulged in cross dressing amongst other things, I feel like a widow because I discovered that the man I thought I was married to didn't exist anymore. The man I thought i married was dead and a stranger lived in his body. I cannot get my head around you not understanding this.

Oh dear. I think we've been here before. We don't hear cries of complaint about golf and other 'widows'. And as we've tried to explain repeatedly, the person we married has gone - in my case in all recognizable ways, not just appearance but behaviour. I thought, weary sigh, that we had also established that everyone is allowed to identify/define themselves, most notably the men in our lives who transitioned.... so our right to self-define is presumably no different from theirs to self-define? Or is that a privilege granted only to these men?! I don't particularly 'like' my ex-husband deciding he is a female lesbian, we he is allowed to do so. So I choose to define myself as widow, having completely lost my husband, and my children having completely lost their father, as the closest word I can find, thanks very much... do watch out MsVanilla that you don't start inhibiting people's right to define themselves as they wish.

do watch out MsVanilla that you don't start inhibiting people's right to define themselves as they wish.

Quite.

#translogic

twitter.com/Genderintell/status/1110912517080039424?s=19

A research project into the partner's experience of gender transition.
It might be an opportunity for some here to tell their experiences.

I don't suppose they said in the deleted comment why dead name is OK but trans widow isn't?

Yewneek, my ex started out as a cross dresser.

Sorry, but I 'd be extremely sceptical that he keeps these photos private.

When my ex was still "part time" he was sharing such stuff widely on social media, TV chix etc. They share the photos so they can all tell each other how great they look, in my experience.

It was your typical drive-by that a certain group of people (who happen to be women) should not have a term to describe themselves and their experiences.

Just your typical gender identity authoritarianism that's all over the place these days.

It's the same person who has been here before. I wonder why they've not been banned?

I reported that post - on the basis that this is clearly designated as a support thread, not a discussion thread. My understanding is that we will not be seeing that person again.

Thanks Lang

I will find out more about that study and report back, Barracker. It being promoted by Gendered Intelligence makes me a bit wary.

My first thought is that as many people should sign up who didn't stay/accept/believe/celebrate, to surprise them and get the unpopular experience heard. They would struggle to deny those participants' experience. But I'd want to know it was sound/ethical...

If any academics are reading and would like to DM me to advise questions I should ask about the study, that would be really helpful.

An FWR regular has offered this advice by DM regarding the study:

"Regarding the study (and other more experienced academics will know more than me), the first thing that concerns me is that the contact email isn't an academic institution email. Students and research staff should have an institutional email address.

It doesn't say who's doing the study (eg is it for undergrad, masters, PhD or beyond) and I would caution taking part in undergrad or masters research as often they don't require proper ethics approval. This is especially important as this study is linked to GI who are partisan (and obviously it's a sensitive topic). "

If you do want to take part I would suggest using a pseudonym in all correspondence as an extra layer of security.

As part of an often researched group I personally don't participate unless I'm reimbursed for my time, even a token amount."

Oh BTW, I spoke to Naefaerty yesterday, about a possible collaboration on a book of trans widows stories, so I'll let you all know when we're ready to ask for contributions. It could be a really exciting project!

I'll also be in touch with the mumsnetters who offered other help with this sort of project in due course.