Trans Widows Escape Committee 2- The Trans Widows Strike Back..

[TinselAngel]

The previous thread is nearly full, so here is a shiny new one.

I'm thrilled that this took off enough to merit a second thread.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason.

I've emailed to express interest and ask for more information, so that we can see what this is.

I've done the same social.

I am hugely in support of a book collaboration in our own words, rather than in the words of a researcher or academic.

I anticipate a flurry of academic interest in this topic over the next few years, and a book of 'lived experiences' from ordinary women, curated by someone like naefearty, would be an excellent way for women to take some control of the narrative.

Fantastic idea. For so long it's been all about the stunning and brave / authentic self bla and so little about the damage, shock, gaslighting, trauma, deceit, isolation, lies etc etc the transwidows and children have to cope with. Apparently TRAs disapprove of the term Transwidows - so not everyone gets to create new words, express their truth, 'identify as' etc, then??

I'm so glad you are all considering this. I think it's an excellent idea, if handled properly.

And as a source of reference it will be incredibly useful. The behaviour, background, etc, is so uniform, it's begging, just begging to be analysed.

When this happens to other women, having a resource like a book of almost identical experiences, would be incredible.

Being able to point to it, publicise it and make society at large familiar with it, would be unprecedented and help so many more women. (And hopefully, the men as well. I don't imagine it's a picnic for them either.)

My ambition for it Datun, is that it will show some patterns of behaviour that other women in that position will be able to relate to, and that it will enable them to make an informed choice about their future.

I passionately do not want women to go through the whole thing alone, like I did.

It won't be Lundy Bancroft, but that's what inspires that side of it, for me.

TinselAngel

It could be utterly seminal. And your motivation "I passionately do not want women to go through the whole thing alone, like I did." shows great integrity.

Here's the info about the study- first three pages here..

Final page

It looks to me as if they only want to talk to partners who stayed through the transition, I might see if I can have a chat with them to find out more.

If you wonderful women do decide to go ahead, please use a funding site so that we can all contribute. Unbound and Kickstarter are good for books.

I have two close FTM trans friends, one of which I thought was a gay man until he told me he was actually FTM and had been for 20 years the other day. The other I knew before as a woman and has been a man for about 2 years.

The difference is, they don't manipulate or abuse anyone, they don't hate men or women, they don't push their agenda onto anyone, they aren't overly sexualised, there's no "dressing up" - they just wear whatever is comfortable and right for the weather, the one I knew as a woman has exactly the same short hair, clothes and partner as they had before and the one I've only known as a man has long hair in a ponytail (now receding thanks to the testosterone).

There's no fucking song and dance or massive angry outbursts and they just get on with their lives and are kind to other people. That's the difference isn't it?

Oh and yes to answering questions for the study

@imablackstarnotapopstar We're talking about two different things so I think it's got a bit confusing:

1. A possible book of trans widow's stories. I'm currently at the stage of kicking a few ideas around with Naeferty. We'll be asking for contributions from other trans widows in due course.

1. A study about partners of trans people, by the University of Nottingham, which I'm sceptical about, but am finding out more info.

(Woman with stubble, eight inch schlong, and a pink babydoll on as proof of womanhood....)

S/he wishes.

@imablackstarnotapopstar

There was a ftm transpwrson on a TV documentary I saw, completely forgotten which one but it was about wedding planning with a bride of Indian or Pakistani origin whose Mum has trouble accepting her partner) and they were exactly as you've described too.

(The bf/fiance was ftm trans if that wasn't clear).

Moralitym1n1 that prorgame was called Bride and Prejudiced. It was very good. All the couples in it were where the parents/siblings disapproved of the wedding. Only one person in it was trans.

www.channel4.com/programmes/bride-prejudice/on-demand/66552-003

I'm a widow and I can entirely understand why you call yourselves transwidows. It's entirely apt. You're definitely not treading on my toes.

I lurk on these threads and find myself raging on your behalfs. I am in awe of your courage and of the way you support each other.

Tbh it seems to me that you are enduring worse than I did. My darling husband died after a year's harrowing deterioration and yes, it was utterly heartbreaking, but our relationship stayed loving and committed to the end. We kept our vows, which comforted us both.

So I count myself lucky. I would give you one bit of encouragement: that your DC will suffer less than the children whose father actually dies. I once said to my DC that at least they hadn't had to go through a dreadful divorce like a couple of their friends. They said they would have preferred the divorce. Even if their DF had been a total shit they would at least have had the hope that he might improve with time. For me death was better, but that's not how my DC saw it.

Out of interest, does anyone's partners NOT cross dress or show any signs of external changes until a long way through the process? Everyone seems to have had cross dressing and part time females, but at present, my husband isn't showing any signs of wishing to live as a woman.

Hi Iworkmiricles my ex I were together for 13 years. He engaged in some cross dressing on and off throughout the relationship. He only started doing it in public occasionally for the 18 months or so before we split up (IIRC). But that was when he was in places where people didn't know him.

Then we split when he decided he was going to permanently transition and start to "live as a woman" full time.

So for a long time he made no mention of wanting "to be a woman", but gradually that changed. This was around the time that the transgender ideology really started to take off.

And thanks for posting that Prawn.

Iworkmiricles my husband is adamant that it is purely cross dressing and he has no wish to be a woman. This was a big issue for me when I first found out. As far as I am aware, he has only been out in public as a woman on occasion and this was before I was on the scene. I honestly don’t know if this is true though. I would like to believe him but pretty much everything he has told me about it has been minimised and the truth has only come out when I have discovered the lies. I don’t think I will ever find out the full extent.

Hi! I'm from the US and I've been lurking here for a while. I just joined and I'm not very computer literate, so apologies in advance!

I used to be married to a narcissistic AGP. I can't even describe my mental state by the time I was able to get out with my small kids. The lies. The coersion. The rewriting of history. The denial and anger and blame. By the time I left, I couldn't trust my own mind. Decades have passed and my health is still impacted by that period of my life.

I have spoken out before about the inherent abuse that can happen when an unaware woman finds herself in this insane situation. I used to be active in a very small forum, the only one that dared to actually question the "experts" of the time (this was back in 2009?). I had gotten out of my marriage years before, but I was reaching out to these women that had nowhere to go. I was outraged for them. The stories were horribly familiar to my own. The guilt that was heaped on them by their partners, their therapists. They are often in isolation, held quiet by threats of suicide as I was, love-bombed when they acquiesced after unrelenting coercion.

AGP takes over the entire life of the male partner. The deception, the money, the missing time, the hidden motivations. The selfishness, the manipulation the absolute anger and rage when a woman has the nerve to question obvious lies. My ex turned into someone without conscience, without empathy, without mercy. I will never allow myself to be dependent on a partner as I was back when I was a young mother with 2 babies.

The forum that I was involved in eventually got discovered by the hordes. They put it out of business, bombarded us with so many taunts and threats that no one felt safe anymore...and that was the end of that. We did write a book, though. About our lives and how we survived. About what we learned after the lies were sifted out and the truths were staring us in the face. And what we discovered through living with this for years, through watching our partners feed their obsessions while their lives - and their family's lives - spun out of control. I think the book is still available on Amazon books. Do a search for "Crossdressers Wives Secret Lives" - I think it's free on Kindle prime. I know that the terminology is dated, but this was back in the early 2010s.

I do not expect anyone to understand what I and many other women have gone through with an AGP partner. I know that I would never understand if I hadn't gone through it myself. It's a mindfuck of truly epic proportions. But as isolating as it was for me to cope without any support 20-some years ago, I cannot imagine trying to hold my own against the tide of propaganda that partners face today. My thoughts are with you.