Dropping in a barnstorming analysis of Ontological Totalitarianism by Numbers broken down into 30 bullet points by @LadyPrincesexual that @glinner might find relevant to his situation.
21. People refusing to validate your identity may be painful.
22. Something being painful is not conceptually identical to it being a moral harm, structural violence, or an act of oppression.
23. Not getting our needs met is sometimes painful.
24. Sometimes our needs don’t get met because other people also have needs, beliefs, and interests.
25. Thinking you must always have you needs met and refusing to understand why other people may not meet your needs, is narcissistic entitlement.
As ever, I recommend the whole piece.
janeclarejones.com/2018/12/08/ontological-totalitarianism-by-numbers/