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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Can boys be civilised, as in, made civil?

168 replies

NineNine · 03/12/2018 16:31

I have dds. For every mother I meet who has a ds who is a bit loud or physical or unruly, at some point we have a conversation where she implies or says outright that boys are so different and my girls are ‘easy’ more or less because they are girls.

It drives me crazy because I have put a lot of effort into teaching my dds to be empathetic and considerate but also not to accept bad behaviour from others. But time and again I see boys being aggressive and destructive and it’s just shrugged off because boys will be boys...

Obviously NABALT, but I wondered if anyone has had dss who they have struggled with but feel they have had a positive impact on their behaviour? Have the mothers of these disruptive boys tried their best, and know better than me what boys are really like? Or have they been shrugging their shoulders all along and not even attempted to avoid what they believe is typical male behaviour?

OP posts:
Artesia · 03/12/2018 16:34

No- it’s impossible to make boys civil, and in 20 years time all men will be eating with their hands, shoving people over, snatching and shouting. This will either be because they are genetically feral, or because their mothers weren’t as good at parenting as you. Hmm

Original poster
NineNine · 03/12/2018 16:36

Ok 👍🏻 Thanks

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GreenHats · 03/12/2018 16:37

I have 2 boys and they were not disruptive or unruly. I think it's an excuse for bad parenting tbh.
I think it's good for boys to have some physical activities to burn off some of that energy but they should be able to behave without.

thebear1 · 03/12/2018 16:37

As a mother of two ds I just let them run feral after all the male sex are incapable of civility.

Goingonandonandon · 03/12/2018 16:37

First of all, there are plenty of girls who have aggressive behaviour, who are a bit loud, and who are destructive. I don't know what the parents' excuses are, but it's a fact.

Secondly, they might know better than you what THEIR boy is really like.

As a mother of two boys, now 11 and 13, I can tell you hand on heart that they too have been at the receiving end of aggressive and destructive behaviour from both boys and girls. I absolutely hated when a mother of another boy would (push, shove, hit, kick, insert whatever you want) my DSs and say 'well he's a proper boy isn't he' as if my boys were not real boys because they are mostly gentle and kind.

Unfortunately I think you find bad parents of both Boys and Girls.

feelingverylazytoday · 03/12/2018 16:38

WTF?
I've got 2 boys, both are polite, pleasant, well bought up, non aggressive, etc etc. My daughter is aggressive, regularly batters me and other people and has broken everything in the house. Thats because she's autistic by the way, but please do stop generalising about children.

LovesLaboursLost · 03/12/2018 16:40

Are you one of those smug mums of girls who feel a bit sorry for women with boys?

GreenHats · 03/12/2018 16:41

I have a neice who at infant/primary school age was so physically 'boisterous' we'd be covered in bruises and occasionally really quite sore so girls who are not expected to behave can be just as physical.

I think a lot of the differences in behaviour are down to social conditioning

Original poster
NineNine · 03/12/2018 16:41

Of course I have seen loud and disruptive girls too, perhaps along with the NABALT I should have added SGALT...

But the girls don’t get an eye roll and indulgent sigh and a ‘what are they like eh?’

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Original poster
NineNine · 03/12/2018 16:44

Are you one of those smug mums of girls who feel a bit sorry for women with boys?

No, I’m one of those mums of girls who is worried for the future safety of my dds in a world where male violence is shrugged off as inevitable.

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feelingverylazytoday · 03/12/2018 16:46

*But the girls don't get an eye roll and indulgent sigh and a 'what are they like eh?'
Never noticed any violent boys get that reaction either, and I'd say something about it if one of my kids was involved in that kind of situation. Some parents do seem to think their own children are little angels and always in the right though. I put that down to crappy parenting.

feelingverylazytoday · 03/12/2018 16:50

No I'm one of those Mums of girls who is worried for the future safety of my DDs in a world where male violence is shrugged off as inevitable
Well firstly, young males are the group who are most at risk of male violence, and secondly, male violence isn't really shrugged off as being inevitable.

SarahCarer · 03/12/2018 16:51

I have a ds and I too have seen aggressive and unruly behaviour excused far more often in boys than in girls. I also see significantly more aggressive and unruly behaviours from boys. I am certain that the former contributes to the latter. I have not found it any more difficult parenting my nt ds than my nt dd. My dd with ASD on the other hand has been much more complex although she is never aggressive outside the home.

Original poster
NineNine · 03/12/2018 16:54

Well firstly, young males are the group who are most at risk of male violence, and secondly, male violence isn't really shrugged off as being inevitable.

Whether it’s boys/men or girls/women who are more likely to be the victims, it remains the case that men are disproportionately more violent than women. Why do you think that is?

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SarahCarer · 03/12/2018 16:54

I have also seen spectacular failure to communicate effectively with little boys from parents who I have seen communicating effectively with their little girls. When you assume boys are naturally unruly you often miss that they are playing up because there is a problem. Therefore that problem goes unaddressed.

Spottycake · 03/12/2018 16:58

I don’t have any boys but my memory from school is most boys were not like that. Not sure how much things have changed in 30 years, but it does seem strange that ‘effeminate’ boys are now being pushed to be trans.

Original poster
NineNine · 03/12/2018 17:02

First of all, there are plenty of girls who have aggressive behaviour, who are a bit loud, and who are destructive. I don't know what the parents' excuses are, but it's a fact.

Secondly, they might know better than you what THEIR boy is really like.

So why have I been told so many times that my dds are easy because they are girls?

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ThisIsWhatItSoundsLike · 03/12/2018 17:02

Ninenine I'm just going to nominate you and your post on the fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more thread.

Original poster
NineNine · 03/12/2018 17:03

Double thumbs up to you ThisIs

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NottonightJosepheen · 03/12/2018 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OakElmAsh · 03/12/2018 17:06

YANBU to say that it's annoying you're being told that your DDs are intrinsically "easier" because they're girls. Like any generality, that's BS

YABU to think that some/any mothers of boys have been "shrugging their shoulders all along and not even attempted to avoid what they believe is typical male behaviour?". Most parents, be that of boys or girls, are doing the best they know how.

Original poster
NineNine · 03/12/2018 17:07

Pleased to hear it Nottonight. I am therefore not talking about you or your ds.

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SarahCarer · 03/12/2018 17:09

I'm not really sure why your post has caused such offense op. I have however found that others on here don't live in the kind of suburban backwater that I do and they don't always believe the highly gendered culture that is my lived experience

SarahCarer · 03/12/2018 17:11

It may be your reference to 'mothers' when often there are two parents who are equally responsible for raising responsible human beings.

happyasasandboy · 03/12/2018 17:14

I have two boys and one girl. The boys are much more civilised than my daughter.

HTH