little things you do each day that are a tiny bit feminist

[speakingwoman]

They can be big, or small, or misfire even....

Here's mine.
I'm working from home, on a call to a colleague. The doorbell rings.
I answer it still on the phone. It's a friend of my husband's. I ineptly signal him in and beckon husband in from garden whilst continuing call.

Once off phone, I pop into to kitchen say hi and apologise for my inept/stumbling signals saying "I'm no good at multi-tasking."

He replies "I'm not either.... but I'm a man....." and then looks a bit confused. He knows there's something askance about what I said and he's waiting for me to rescue him.

I don't. I don't qualify my statement that when engaged in work I find it difficult to simulteneously perform a domestic favour for my husband. I smile and leave.

It's small, it's crap, it's nothing really but it's done now and if another woman says it to him he might just begin to wonder whether multi-tasking really is something that women have to do but he doesn't.

I get married 2 weeks today - I have tried to make my wedding as 'equal' as possible and have challenged most traditions from the beginning.....

1. I'm walking myself up the aisle
2. Neither of us are taking each others surnames
3. I'm keeping my titles the same (Ms/Dr)
4. Due to our Mothers not being listed on our marriage certificate - They are both our witnesses, so both parents are on our marriage certificate
5. We've got bespoke "Mr & Ms" decorations everywhere
6. I'm the one doing the (only) speech.

... Plus, I actually asked his Mothers permission to ask him to marry me..... bought a ring, and proposed on one knee (and a pie in the other hand, but that's another story), so he wears the engagement ring, not me...

The only thing in our relationship that I guess is 'traditional', is that he carries all heavy things and does the heavy lifting, but that's only because I've had a recurring back injury (slipped discs and caudal epidural plus loads of physio) over many years and whilst I try and make it as strong as possible, I don't want to fuck it up again..... so he just automatically lifts all heavy things and that works for us

I'm going back to work, and my husband is staying home. And it's remarkable how many men have responded to that by saying they would love to be home with their kids more. So every time they say that, I encourage them to do it, if at all possible.

I also described myself as a feminist in a job interview last week, and got a call back for a second interview. Might have helped that the whole office was female, up to and including the director.

I tell my (6mo) ds stories about princesses rescuing men, and girls who want to be astronauts. And how important it is to have women in the government. Hopefully if I keep telling him it will go in! I also try to praise the behaviour rather than the boy, so after his jabs I told him that he was really brave and I was proud of how well he did. I know he's only 6 months but I think it's a case of me getting into good habits now, so that my son grows up to be as feminist as his mum is! (Also like his dad, who is also a feminist, one of the reasons I married him!)

I have stopped using 'just' and 'sorry to ask but' in work emails.

If I buy a dress (eg for work) I only buy one with pockets. I need to store some of my stuff close to me, not in a handbag. When I review clothes I make a point of delightfully drawing attention to the fact it has functional pockets. Also it drives me crazy when I see a pair of women's work trousers with fake pockets. You don't see fake pockets on men's trousers.

@FluffyPersian love that you asked his mother's permission and proposed to him and he wears the ring. Sounds like you will have a fab feminist wedding and a 'thoroughly modern marriage'. Good for you!

I just realised @FluffyPersian that all wedding decorations and hen party stuff has “ Mrs” on it!! From Miss to Mrs and that kind of thing!!! I can’t believe in 2018 you had to go and get Ms and Mr stuff MADE! How appalling is that?

I so have a feminist 6yr old! We started watching "Anne with an E" on Netflix today. DD asked me why Marilla was annoyed to be sent a girl from the orphanage. I explained that she wanted a boy who would be able to help do the hard work on the farm. She screwed up her face, made an exasperated noise and said "why can't a girl do that?"

A moment later, Anne made that exact point in the show, and DD looked at me with a "See? Told you so!" expression.

You are all amazing women/ladies (delete as preferred!). Really inspiring.

I made a new friend (turns out I'm 5) and nervously said i'm a femanist. Her reply was the only political thing that she finds a friendship deal breaker is if people aren't!

I don't agree with all of these - to me guys is completely unisex (geographical maybe?) and I use ladies but I also use gentlemen. But I am reading these and planning to use them when I can.

I'm going to start a thread in Chat on books with good female leads after reading these as I read a LOT and happily read kids books too. Be great if you can add to it - as I read so much I hadn't recognised the discrepancy and I think you are all right to say it's important.

When reading Dd age 2, a story I always try to change some things, for example it's Daddy Bear who makes the porridge and Goldilocks always eats from Mummy Bear's bowl first and sits on her chair /bed first.

If you do want to join in: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3306667-Kids-books-with-strong-female-leads?watched=1

Ds made a cartoon in.school today and invented 'spywoman' because:"there are loads of boy heroes and I thought it might be more interesting." He's 8. If I can keep him like this, he'll someone a wonderful partner one day.

@OhHolyJesus - Yeah... I asked his Mum as 1. She's absolutely lovely and wonderful and I thought she'd like it and 2. I've had a few raised eyebrows and comments... "You asked his.. Mother? Why?" ..... Well, why not? after all, there seems to be a lot of men asking the Fathers permission!

@Slanetylor - All the 'Mr and Mrs' stuff was a bit frustrating - I found 'Mrs and Mrs' and 'Mr and Mr', which at least is a step in the right direction, but unfortunately no 'Mr and Ms' - So I bought the wooden letters separately

Funniest thing - I ordered some off eBay and they actually put in additional 'R's that I hadn't ordered and hadn't paid for! I was a bit like 'WTF?' but I guess it's such a typical order, they assumed I had meant 'Mr and Mrs'

We've popped on the registrar form that we're not changing our surnames so could the person marrying us please announce us as 'First name and first name, your bride and groom'...

... To be honest, I'm most looking forward to the looks I get when I rock up in my black dress and veil.... and the comments over our cat litter wedding cake that my amazing friend is making (I kid you not).

It's going to be Gothic / Feminist / cat focused, you see....

As part of my work, refer to any hypothetical person as 'she', e.g. 'When the H & S inspector comes, she will want to see..." or "When the engineer calls, tell her..."

This is a good thread!
I default female for animals and default female for motorcyclists too.
I don't move for men or for teenagers, whether I am on my bike or walking. That can be interesting sometimes, teens are often convinced I will move over and have a shock when they have to adjust their trajectory!
Where I live everyone nods and says hello as you go past, it is considered rude not to. I noticed when it is a couple the man always moves to do the hello, so I make a point of getting eye contact with the woman and saying the hello to her. Every time.
I deliberately don't do the bag anymore when we go out (We have two small girls) and I never check it, only adding my sunglasses. Yes on occasion we haven't had enough nappies or sun cream- but DH now has stepped up and he does it (and he took the point too).
I never wear heels anymore, even to weddings. That has been marvellously refreshing! Actually my brother is marrying in September and I will be wearing brogues, cigarette trousers, a shirt and a blazer. Just for the craic like.

I wear flats now for health reasons, but have had so many comments at work about ‘how brave’ and ‘do you need to change your shoes’ errr no!

I’m going to stop saying it’s for health reasons.

This thread has made me think about my email style, and that of others in my group at work. We develop scientific software, and although it's mostly blokes on the coding side (other than me and my manager) most of the support and application scientists are women nowadays. And I've decided the 'female socialised' style is pleasanter and actually can be more effective in many cases. I can do assertive to the point of bluntness if necessary- but I think that's more powerful if used somewhat sparingly.

I think what I'm trying to say, is that in some contexts it can be better to 'feminise' rather than emulate 'masculine' norms.

'Man exists to be surpassed'

I think here people have been talking about removing totally unnecessary levels of apology and submission. You can be polite and friendly and apply your "female socialisation" without apologising for your views and doing down your own position.

Yes - the thread prompted me to think about when 'female socialisation' in a workplace context is a positive.

I have given up on heels too - too many sprained ankle injuries. I enjoyed getting some colourful flat shoes so they still feel special to me and I am not missing out.

I have a men's razor and use DH's shaving gel as it is so much cheaper. I hadn't thought about deodorant before - I am going to switch to men's as well if it is cheaper and more effective.

At our wedding, I made a speech along with the others. Would you believe it the best man was absolutely adamant that I wasn't allowed to do it ? That obviously didn't stop me! It would be one thing if someone of an older generation had said that (I wouldn't have listened to them either but I would have understood) but one of my peers! I was beyond shocked that they actually thought this was a valid thing to say and that thought they had a right to try and stop me.

I am definitely going to be better at using "she" for anything unknown (animals etc). I used to do this when DS was small but have got lax.

Such a lovely thread 😀 and it makes me feel slightly less crazy. I read the whole of the enchanted wood by Enid blyton to my ds whilst swapping the sex of the children (got a bit confusing at times)

Acorn we can all be crazy together.

I should say I did get my own back on the best man for trying to ban me making a speech. My opening line was that he had told me I wasn't to do it. Oh yeah! Don't mess me with on my wedding day!

Well don @Mnerxx.

I avoid saying to little girls "what a lovely dress"/"don't you look pretty" etc etc and instead focus on something other than their appearance and try to praise them for being brave and strong.

I praise my boys for being kind and gentle and tell them they're beautiful, not just "strong" and "brave" etc.

Ofew - I have an aunt who makes such a fuss of frilly dresses. We were out last week and she made us stop and acknowledge them and said "oh look adorable in their dresses!"

Afterwards I tried to point out why i do not make a fuss. Not sure she got it though.....

I think it’s a hard one. A friend always tells my dd she is brave. But she’s not brave and can’t understand why someone would say she is. Also she lives in jeans and t-shirts for cycling and playground and life. But if she wears a pretty dress she is dying for compliments. And is upset if no one says her dress is pretty. I’m conflicted about the whole thing.
I do notice my nephews love compliments if they are wearing something they love too ( mostly superhero Wellington’s admittedly).

There is something to be said for not making the first thing you say to a girl some kind of comment on their appearance. I ask what book they are reading for example.