I don't want to get married!

[lemonJ]

I have been told that I am stupid not to get married to my long term partner of 20 years. We are very happy and have three lovely kids.

I have never wanted to get married, I think the whole institution of marriage is archaic and fills me with misery. Giving women away, giving up our name not to mention the ridiculous ceremonies and the cost and stress people feel the need to put themselves through for his day. When is it going to become a thing of the past? It makes me think of wives serving their husbands in the 50s.

Our house is worth more money than when we bought it and I understand that if we get bloody married we will be exempt from paying inheritance tax if one of us dies. I suppose we should then but I do not want to as a political point. Bloody load of old shit. What should I do ?

You know you can have a wedding without any of those things that you mentioned.

We got married because it was cheaper than employing a solicitor to make the same kind of contract as marriage does. And more fun.

So you’re stupid because you disagree with him? Charming!

You need to make sure that you have wills and also have given each other Lasting Powers of Attorney for both health and property. Otherwise you could find you have no rights to be involved in decisions relating to these matters if your partner becomes incapable. It will also be extremely distressing for your partner and family to go through the Court of Protection.

Look up the laws of intestacy to see why you should make wills. Your estate may not go where you think it should if you do not have wills.

You also need to make sure you get professionally qualified advice on Inheritance Tax, or look up the information on HMRC website. There is a lot of misunderstanding about this.

Basically you will have to put more effort into protecting your rights to make decisions and your affairs than a married couple do as you cannot take the legal situation for granted just because you have been a couple for a long time.

Get legal advice.

But no, you don’t have to get married if you don’t want to.

I was rather hoping we’d get equal civil partnerships and then we’d have done that instead. We’re getting on a bit though, so just did the marriage thing, Friday afternoon, no aisle, no giving away, no use of the words ‘bride’ or ‘groom’. Just a few mates, our kids & some fizzy wine in our local.

I wore a dress I already owned.

You know you can have a wedding without any of those things that you mentioned.

This

don't do it if you don't want to.
Or do it differently - I couldn't stand the idea of all the traditional stuff. No one gave me away - I didn't have a white frock. Hardly anyone was at the ceremony, but we did have a massive and lovely party.

You don't have to get married but you should find out what your legal rights are and consider what would happen if either of you died intestate or if you split up. I presume you are financially independent and co-own the home and have similar pension provision?

Marriage gives you more protection but is not a guaranteed safety net either. Cohabitation can be brutal because you get very few rights and no allowance is given if you are ill, disabled, a full time carer, have no pension etc. If you do your research, you can get things legally sewed up but make sure you have your eyes open.

It is not just inheritance tax, there are various legal benefits from being married. For example becoming next of kin. You need to look beyond the wedding day (which could be just a few moments in a registry office at little cost) and consider whether the legal contract might be worthwhile.

Next of kin status was very important to us - not just in terms of finances/property but also being able to consent for each other in healthcare situations and make decisions should one of us become impaired.

Mossandclover - Yes! Next of kin was what I was trying to say.

The legal benefits that come along with being married are enough that I’d marry again (first marriage failed) if sharing a home/bills/children became likely in the future.

I never married to be a “princess for the day” etc. I married because I wanted the legal benefits and protection that came along with it.

Ultimately it is a legal contract and nothing to do with romance.

So you’re stupid because you disagree with him? Charming! I don't get this comment.

We have detailed wills. Equal earnings and pension provision ish.

It is the principal of it that I don't want to be part of, I want society to move on from this old fashioned institution.
I get that we can do it differently etc but I don't agree with it! Feel like I'm going to have to when I don't want to because society won't move on.

Pensions is a good point. Whether it is company or private you need to find out what will happen to the surviving spouses pension on death. There have been some very distressing cases where the surviving spouse has not been entitled to anything.

I had not thought about next of kin with regards to health. Is there no way of doing this without chains of marriage?

Our pensions state that the other recieves if they die

We are not married either, been together nearly 25 years, also with three kids and a mortgage. Our reasons for not marrying are the same as yours. I'd consider a civil partnership but marriage has too much baggage for me (even though I am well aware it is possible to remove most of that baggage).

I think that if you own your house as "joint tennants" rather than "tenants in common" you won't have to pay inheritance tax on the house if your partner dies.

Owning as joint tennants means that you both own the whole of the house, it is indivisible between you, whereas tennants in common means you each own a defined share, e.g. 50% each. (Feel free to google for a better explanation, I'm not a property lawyer). Your deeds will say what form of ownership you have. You could ask a solicitor to change it.

If you or your partner have assets apart from your house that exceed the IT threshold that would be subject to IT, but property is different.

You don’t need to have any of those things - we didn’t. A wedding is a big or small as you want it to be. You don’t have to change your name either.

Being utterly unromantic, a marriage is a legal vehicle that protects both parties but disproportionately protects the weaker (financially) party. To get almost the same legal protections in place without it is not easy or cheap but it can be done. It’s just easier to get married. And I think I’ve read on here before that there are one or two things that you can’t replicate, but I’ll let those with more knowledge speak on that

If you don't want to, don't

I don't want to combine money so haven't done it either

You sound like someone is forcing you! Just don't.

If we ever want to combine money for legal reasons we'd get married and not tell anybody, though DC probably need to know.

I've always seen it as a legal financial contract. Which it is. You are talking about weddingy crap.

Yes, even war widows have been left with MoD pensions due to being cohabitees, rather than married.

I really would like to see civil partnerships opened up to opposite sex couples - everyone should be able to register their legal relationships without the baggage of ‘marriage’, or indeed with it, as suits!

I think that if you own your house as "joint tennants" rather than "tenants in common" you won't have to pay inheritance tax on the house if your partner dies.

Thanks for all the info, we re actually tenants in common as I put more money in, perhaps I will look into changing this but of course if we were to go our own ways I would lose that extra.

I got married with none of the things you mentioned - kept own name, wasn't "given away", no white dress etc etc - none of that is compulsory.

When DH died suddenly leaving me with two small children, I was very glad that we were married: no inheritance tax, but also no query over my ability to make funeral arrangements, no quibbles over pension/insurance entitlements, if we had been in the UK I would have got bereavement allowance and widowed parents allowance etc.

Some of that you could sort out with wills or legal arrangements, but some you couldn't. And marriage gives you and the children much more protection if you ever split up.

Yes Lemon, that's a good point. I've contributed less financially (all those maternity leaves...) so it's in my interest to be joint tennants for that reason, as well as IT. Not sure how I'd feel if I had contributed more though!

When I have spoken to friends about this they just don't get that I don't agree with the principal of it they just suggest doing it in our own way, I don't want to though ! and thanks to those who seem to get what I mean!

Ofew He has probably contributed more mortgage wise actually but I put a much larger initial amount in and this remains on the paperwork that I would receive this if we split.