I don't want to get married!

[lemonJ]

I have been told that I am stupid not to get married to my long term partner of 20 years. We are very happy and have three lovely kids.

I have never wanted to get married, I think the whole institution of marriage is archaic and fills me with misery. Giving women away, giving up our name not to mention the ridiculous ceremonies and the cost and stress people feel the need to put themselves through for his day. When is it going to become a thing of the past? It makes me think of wives serving their husbands in the 50s.

Our house is worth more money than when we bought it and I understand that if we get bloody married we will be exempt from paying inheritance tax if one of us dies. I suppose we should then but I do not want to as a political point. Bloody load of old shit. What should I do ?

As others have said, next of kin status is a big deal. A friend's long term partner died very suddenly and they hadn't done wills. Her family wanted their share of the house and he had to remortgage and take in lodgers. But what really hurt him was that he wasn't allowed any input in the funeral service and the words on her headstone.

I've no idea if any of that can be sorted via wills (the house I suppose and you could probably take out Life insurance to cover any potential inheritance tax though that will surely cost more than a trip to the register office). Legal advice is the way to go.

Oh and I am not in the least bit bothered about surnames. I'd happily do away with them too

I love being married and love having a joint surname. How do you feel not having the same name as your children? I just feel like you are more committed if you are married.

How lovely for you. You do realise that a huge number of women don't change their names on marriage and that if the name is so important, any person can change theirs by deed poll or statutory declaration.

I also like that you automatically presume that the OP's children have their father's surname. What if they already have her name?

Re the commitment part, she has been with him for 20 years and they have 3 kids. Some married men shag other women on their honeymoon. It says relatively little about commitment.

checks that actually on feminism board

I agree lemon in spite of having got married. At the time though I just didn't want the extra hassle because I and dc would definitely have been a lot worse off; the government would have taken inheritance tax no matter what. I'm sure I could have worked my way round it but I at the time my head was pretty scrambled worrying that Dh would die and my kids would have had to cope with no dad etc.

I wanted legal - particularly next of kin, and financial rights - eg pension! I worked PT for some years after having DC, which negatively affected my career and long term earnings, while DH progressed. Being married is some degree of financial protection.

A friend who owns property and has had problems in relationships won’t marry because this would be to her financial detriment. Which is fair enough.

Oh and willow rose. The surname taking comes from times when men owned women, that is what I don't like about that. Interestingly our kids have both our surnames together and we have our own ones.

I always view civil partnership as a bone thrown to gay people before more enlightened minds prevailed and made marriage available to all. It's redundant now that anyone who would like to marry, can. Marriage is what you make of it. At base it is a just a legal contract.

Yes but this is the point- this just means the institution remains the same, if everyone keeps having to do it it tells government that we are all happy with continuing with this. I don't want to be part of it.

Then you don't have to be part of it. There are definite advantages of a marriage contract, but if they don't appeal you are not forced to do sign up.

If there was an alternative form of contract that gave both partners the same rights as marriage, it would just be marriage with a different name. Would that satisfy you?

Registry office, don't change your name, don't tell anyone, don't start wearing a ring. You then have legal benefits if necessary.

The point no one makes however is the unfairness of a system where any special privileges are given to those married vs unmarried. Why ? It's anachronistic to grant one subset of adults the right to transfer wealth, tax breaks, next of kin. A tradition that is way past it's time.

You don't have to do it. If you dp it without the giving away, white dress, changing name etc you'll be helping to normalise civil marriages as essentially the same as civil partnerships. Just don't expect loads of sympathy if you don't and it causes hassle in the future.

No I don't have to but if I don't I won't get the same rights as married people.

Xx makes my point well

And yes I would prefer something with a different name. I don't like marriage.

I would prefer some kind of document where we set out all preferences and agreements in life and death

A marriage is just a contract.

I read these threads and want to bang my head on the table.

MARRIAGE is different from WEDDING.

Wedding - day/event
Marriage - a collection of rights and legal protections that cheaply allow people to arrange their lives with their partner

OP, see a solicitor. You can get something like that drawn up.

Xxmarksthespot But surely I should get to choose if I want to enter into a legal contract with a partner or not? It shouldn't just 'happen' because we have been together for X number of years, or share a residence or children. I need to be in control of the decision to make someone my legal beneficiary. That contract is called marriage, and anyone who wants to enter into that contract with another person can do so. How is that a special subset of people? Who is being excluded? It's open to all comers. You don't have to have a wedding, or change your name, or even live under the same roof. All that's up to the couple.

The law is not there to indulge your prejudices. The contract you want is called ‘marriage’ and if you think you are too special for that then you can pay a solicitor.

Quoad, there is no need to be so nasty. This is a discussion board. The OP wants to discuss her objections to marriage. It's nothing to do with being 'too special'

This topic always puts people's noses out of joint

Quoad's not being nasty. She's being blunt. And she's right.

No one has to get married, but anyone can. You either want/need that contract, or you do not. There is no need to create another contract to do what marriage does, as it already exists. OP is perfectly within her rights to refuse marriage if she feels it will not benefit her and/or her dc or partner.

You can get cohabitation agreements, would probably cost more than marriage, and won’t cover everything, eg pensions.

Some people do want to see legal changes, to give cohabitees more legal rights/responsibilities, but change in the near future doesn’t seem very likely.

The proportion of cohabitees marrying is unlikely to affect politicians’ positions on the law.

The reason that cohabitees don’t get better rights is to protect people.

Do you really want your DCs live-in boyf/girlf making decisions about turning off life support when they’ve only been together a couple of months? Or inheriting their property? Getting custody of children?

Quoad I am not talking about life support. I am talking about financial rights when the relationship breaks down. You can argue the toss all you like, I have a LOT of legal expertise on this area and we are way out of line with many other countries, including Scotland and it is deeply unfair. It would have little impact on a couple who have been together for 3 months but could really address the position of a woman left with nothing after a 20 year relationship breaks down.

The issue of where children live has nothing to do with marital status whatsoever.

No one has to get married, but anyone can.

Well, you can't if the partner that you and your kids are financially dependent on tells you that he's not 'ready' for marriage and prefers to leave things as they are, but you have already had to give up your job because one of the kids is disabled and he has continued to build his career in the meantime.

i dont want to get married either. I think its a crock of shit. Did it once. Didnt come out any better off than I went in, and it was a massive faff both to get married and to get divorced.

I can see the point if one partner has a lot of money and the other partner has given up a career to support the other person or to raise their children etc, but i think for a lot of working class poor families, its not worth the bother

Re: surnames, all 5 of us in our house have something different.

It’s a pain when making family dental appointments but otherwise makes no odds.

I recently registered the dog at the vets, using dogs name/husband’s surname. Just because it amused me.