I don't want to get married!

[lemonJ]

I have been told that I am stupid not to get married to my long term partner of 20 years. We are very happy and have three lovely kids.

I have never wanted to get married, I think the whole institution of marriage is archaic and fills me with misery. Giving women away, giving up our name not to mention the ridiculous ceremonies and the cost and stress people feel the need to put themselves through for his day. When is it going to become a thing of the past? It makes me think of wives serving their husbands in the 50s.

Our house is worth more money than when we bought it and I understand that if we get bloody married we will be exempt from paying inheritance tax if one of us dies. I suppose we should then but I do not want to as a political point. Bloody load of old shit. What should I do ?

i think for a lot of working class poor families, its not worth the bother

Then you haven’t done the research.
Getting married is very, very cheap for the legal protection that people get.

I am not ‘arguing the toss’, I am a lawyer. People can lay on the bullshit about how they want their relationship to be different (special).

In the end these are rights that are important and so the law does not make assumptions about who gets them. You and your partner need to sign up - a process called marriage.

Don't do it. It can be the beginning of the end! I've been with my dp for 15 years, house in joint names. Everythings hunky dory, and long may it remain so!

1. Go and get a courthouse marriage. The end.
2. Do a surprise wedding at home, invite who you want, as a pot luck, get them all to bring food, have a garden party, and then walk out in your dress and have a surprise wedding...... Everyone will talk about it, it'll be cheap and no one will have any pre conceived ideas....
3. have the wedding you never wanted with page boys, your kids dressed as bridesmaids and your friends in fascinators, it will cost you £10000 plus.

4.stay unmarried.

1. Go to St. Lucia on a destination wedding honeymoon, you probably could do with a quiet beach break :)

That's what I thought single. It hasn't been yet. Time will tell.

What you are left with after a divorce is not likely to be comparable to what you are left with after one partner dies.

Are any of the legal arrangements that you can draw up instead of marriage worth anything ? Genuine question.

Yes of course, get it all tied up in a Will

what amazing legal protection will a family that dont have a pot to piss in get?

Next of kin decision making

peak I am so sorry if that's your situation. He's being an utter shite. And you're right - it is a joint contract and both parties need to agree.

But equally, I have a friend who inherited a big chunk of money. She always knew she would get the money eventually, and now she has. She never married her dp of 17 years because of it. She wanted to make sure it went to her dc from an earlier relationship and her dc with her dp, and so chose not to enter into a contract that would award him money if they split or she died. I don't think she should be forced to share it out with him if they split, just because they were together for a long time.

Amongst other pension rights, child rights etc

You and your partner need to sign up - a process called marriage.

Yes and what I am saying is that not everyone has that opportunity. Not all men want to get married and many will avoid it because they don't want the financial implications, particularly if they have been married before. Sometimes they lead their partner along and don't make those feelings clear until it is too late. Do some reading about the position of Muslim wives in England and Wales who get married in the Mosque but their marriage is not legally recognised and their husbands actively refuse to get the marriage solemnised to protect them. There is nothing they can do to 'force' their partners to marry them. Not everyone can simply 'choose' to get married and sometimes life just happens. Often those who most need protection are the ones let down by our law. In Canada, Australia, NZ, Scotland, Sweden etc, long-term cohabiting partners are protected from injustice on relationship breakdown. In this country, a long-term cohabitee could potentially be left with nothing.

Itk but presumably your friend's partner did not give up a job to perform childcare and look after the home and permanently compromise his earning capacity? I am not talking about sharing because you have been together for a certain period- I am talking about giving some form of financial compensation for someone having given up a career or the chance to buy a home as a result of the relationship.

And thank you, I am actually not talking about my own personal experience, but it is the personal experience of someone I know. These things happen all the time. It is a feminist issue because in cohabiting relationships in particular, men are given carte blanche to screw women over financially.

bold Well, in his case he did lose out on earnings doing childcare as she is the higher earner. He works ft now. If they split, he would be substantially worse off, but fine, iyswim.

OK, well I think an inheritance is a bit different to say if she really wanted to keep the home in her sole name, he gave up work to look after the kids and then she turfed him out. In that situation, I do think it is unfair and someone really wanting to hold onto money/assets doesn't really enter the equation. There have been cases of women becoming homeless after splitting with a partner because they are not married and have no rights to the home. I don't think that is fair and nor do the many jurisdictions that give rights to cohabiting partners in order to address economic hardship.

Yes of course, get it all tied up in a Will
Wrong.
A will doesn't tie anything. It can be torn up in a moment.

I don't see the issue, marriage is not compulsory - in fact forced marriage is illegal in the UK. So if you don't want to get married, you don't have to. If you want the legal aspects of marriage, then get married. You sound a bit foot stampy because you want to have the legal aspects of marriage without the marriage. What is the point in that? It is like reinventing the dog but calling it a cog because you don't want a dog. You just want a furry uncritical companion exactly like a dog, but not a dog.

You can get married (and all the legal protection that comes with it) without having a wedding. A registration of marriage is around £50 and you literally turn up on the day, having given your notices beforehand, say the words on the bit of paper they give you and hey presto, married. No fuss, no need to change your name or even to tell anyone if you don't want to.

Yes but get a will doesn't solve everything. You have to be pay inheritance tax Single.

@LighthouseSouth No, publicly. You can't get married in secret - you have to have witnesses.

You are two people with the potential to do each other serious damage. Protect yourselves. Protect each other from each other. I have seen the damage that can be done from not doing so.

Call it what you want.

My friend was with her partner for 20 years before he ran off with another woman and attempted to screw her out of everything. 3 kids. You would not believe what he did. The original 'Good Guy'. Who turned out to be a monumental bastard.

You are stupid. You are essentially screwing yourself over finacially to prove a point about how much you dislike what you think marriage is (it isn't like that by the way, your views are very outdated. Most normally people treat it as a contract, a way to legally recognise their relationship which is useful in many instance
and a form of finacial protection from unfair taxes etc.)

We went to the register office in jeans and t-shirt, got 2 fire fighters from next door as our witnesses, paid 50 quid, signed the thing. No rings, no name change, no fuss. Picked up the car from the MOT afterwards and carried on as normal. Didn’t tell anyone about it until years later. It was perfect. And by far cheaper and more comprehensive than making a will, getting legal advice, etc.

100% agree with you OP. Will you be my best friend? No one else seems to get my point of view on marriage, and that is obvious from your replies here too about alternative weddings.

Hallelujah Pressuredrip !

I knew someone must get it! I really gave up on the thread as I don't think people get my point and I am not articulating myself well enough.

Honestly, it was important for me to get married for pretty much the inverse of the reasons its important for you not to.

Society used to be patriarchal. Marriage is a legal contract for how families are formed that is of a patriarchal time, but so are millions of other things - women used to not be able to own property, or vote, we changed things that were unequal and remade them rather than getting rid of them or doing without their protection.

I view my marriage as a feminist act, though I'm sure people will disagree. Neither of us changed our names, we did have a wedding and were both walked down the aisle by both parents as we liked the family symbolism, we made sure there were equal numbers of male and female voices speaking at both our wedding and the speeches, because we got married in Ireland both our mothers info was on the wedding certs as well as our fathers. We both kept our names and agreed to double-barrel children, we continue to have an equal relationship regarding housework, earning, etc. I was very clear I would not buy a house or have a child unless we were married because I've seen women, in particular, live to regret that decision and I think its important all women get as much protection as possible, though I appreciate there are some financial situations where it doesn't apply.

Importantly: if either of us bugger off on the other, a court will give us a certain degree of protection, esp re: pensions, etc. If either of us dies, the other is entitled to the state pension, the house, a million and one things automatically. For me its a way we demonstrate love for each other - not the fancy dress or party, but the legal protection part.

I totally get you might not see it this way, but to me the patriarchal trappings we attach to marriage reflect our fucked up society, and would attach to civil partnership if that because the de facto alternative. The way to fight back is by having marriages that are true partnerships, and chipping away at all the expectations and tradition that are outdated while keeping the bits that make sense. But if I can't convince you of that, I'd at least slope away and do it in a registry office without telling anyone, because a couple of hundred grand to the tory government in inheritance tax you don't need to pay is unlikely to be spent in ways that line up with your principles either!

I thought that posting on a feminist board there would be more people that would understand my point of view but most just say that I'm stupid and I should just suck it up and stop making a fuss.