I don't want to get married!

[lemonJ]

I have been told that I am stupid not to get married to my long term partner of 20 years. We are very happy and have three lovely kids.

I have never wanted to get married, I think the whole institution of marriage is archaic and fills me with misery. Giving women away, giving up our name not to mention the ridiculous ceremonies and the cost and stress people feel the need to put themselves through for his day. When is it going to become a thing of the past? It makes me think of wives serving their husbands in the 50s.

Our house is worth more money than when we bought it and I understand that if we get bloody married we will be exempt from paying inheritance tax if one of us dies. I suppose we should then but I do not want to as a political point. Bloody load of old shit. What should I do ?

I think the value of marriage is irrelevant. OP has said she doesn’t want to and her partner called her stupid because of that!

Hi Sodding. I perhaps didn't make that clear. He doesn't want to marry either it is family members who say I'm stupid.

With the exception of the pension issue it doesn’t sound like marriage would benefit you financially. So it’s easier to reject it “on principle”. Were you a SAHM, however, without independent assets, being unmarried would be a huge risk.

You could investigate the legal position re being “next of kin” for health issues and perhaps make a “living will”

Oh sorry I thought it was him! Sorry.

Still though, you shouldn’t be called stupid for making your own choices.

£50 for a statutory ceremony, plus £70 to give notice. You, him, 2 witnesses. No giving away, no changing your name or title, no flowers, no frocks, just go home and carry on with your day.

But no, you shouldn't be made to feel you ought to marry anyone when you don't want to.

Well, you are the only two that matter. It's no one else's business.
Just make sure you are clear on the law and put protections in place such as lasting power of attorney etc.

I think financially we are equal. Took maternity for 9 months each time so was never SAHM with zero income. The health part is worth looking in to though.

What, may I ask, is a living will?

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Citizens advice has a comparison list.

So many things to think about! it seems women are trapped in to continuing with this marriage bollocks in most cases I agree that a civil partnership would be much more agreeable

Of course you don't have to get married if you don't want to, ignore the people wittering on your ear about being stupid. You can get most of the legal benefits of marriage with a good solicitor and some cash.

We did get married, primarily for the purpose of next of kin. Didn't have a wedding though really. We invited a couple of friends on holiday as witnesses. I did change my name, but that was because I'm estranged from my family. DH offered to change his surname to mine or offered to let me pick a whole new one 😂 (having the same name was important to him for kids). Beyond that not much changed.

Civil partnership currently gives precisely the same rights as marriage. Literally word for word with one or two minor differences in procedure. The only difference is the name. I guess you would have to decide how important nomenclature really is. Because CP does not offer ‘something different’.

We did it a bit like Perspicacia says, except we had our kids as well as two witnesses (kids didn't want the responsibility or something, their choice).

We'd been together for 25 years and I'd never wanted to get married, thinking it was out moded . We did so as Dh had been very ill and thought he was about to die. So we thought it was probably the easiest thing to do rather than worry about finances at that time. Dh is ok right now, 6 years later. It doesn't make a difference on a day to day basis.

CP is the same as marriage but carries the historical baggage of being created solely to exclude gay couples from marriage.

Next of kin stuff is towards the bottom. Doesn’t look like there is anything you can do to enshrine this right legally without getting hitched, although most circumstances will respect your relationship.

I suppose the next question is who is each of your legal next of kins (closest relative) right now? Who would it pass to after them? And do you trust them to always defer to you?

Family members sometimes do terrible things to each other in cases of trauma and bereavement - I don’t mean that in a judgemental way, but illness/death can bring out the worst in people left behind. Perhaps a throwback to survival of the fittest days.

The civil partnership certificate allows you to decide in which order you are listed. The marriage one puts the groom at the top always.

Or it did, I wonder what’s happened since same sex marriage became law?

A friend is in this situation and I'm pretty sure she and her DP would never split up but their other good friend lost her DP/father of her DD and the sorting out even though they were quite savvy, was horrendous. She told my friend she wished they had been married purely for that reason.

I have still got my own name (and no Mrs as I either use my PhD, or Ms), and wasn't given away. I did fancy a dress and a party but we tried to make it fun rather than fancy.

But having heard this acquaintance's story I'd do it for the health and inheritance/death benefits even if I didn't want a party.

A marriage is a) a legal document to state publicly that you are a partnership and b) whatever you make of it.

A wedding is as small or large as you want it but really isn't much to do with the marriage.

You are absolutely not stupid to not want to do it, btw.

You know this, of course, but sometimes reassurance helps a person to stand their ground.

Equally, if you decide, as we did, that you would rather buy fizzy wine than solicitor’s hours, then rest assured, you can make the legal marriage contract with very little fuss. It’s particularly cheap to do it on weekday mornings and you can go in your jeans. There is a very stripped back ceremony (1 of 3 options) that only requires a few words out loud from each of you.

Yes, both institutions carry baggage. Marriage has the history of the subjugation of women and male supremacy. CP has the history of being marriage in all but name to appease same sex couples. CP is nothing like 'registered partnership' in other jurisdictions. It doesn't give parties more freedoms than marriage. It literally rips off the wording of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 almost word for word and sticks another name at the top of the legislation. Its financial implications are identical.

If Rebecca Steinfeld and her partner really want to improve the lives of those who don't want to marry, they should campaign for the ability of courts to make financial provision on cohabitation breakdown. Not for couples to have access to another institution that is identical to marriage.

drspouse "A marriage is a) a legal document to state publicly that you are a partnership"

By "publicly" you mean legally?

A living will is a document where you state what you what to happen in circumstances where you are unable to take a decision about a life threatening event where your future quality of life may be much reduced. eg resuscitation after a stroke, heart attack, accidental injury. It appoints executors who are authorised to take decisions on your behalf.

It has no legal standing but in practice it is a useful document to have for both relatives and medics. My parents had them and they were invaluable in discussing difficult end of life decisions with the health professionals.

I'm told that it is now better to have a Lasting Power of Attorney for health matters as there has been some recent case law but haven't looked into it yet. Again, legal advice is essential.

I love being married and love having a joint surname. How do you feel not having the same name as your children? I just feel like you are more committed if you are married.

OP,I hear you. The courts will be ruling later this year on whether to open civil partnerships to opposite sex couples. Fingers crossed it goes through. If it does, that might be an option for you. If it doesn't, I will be suggesting to my partner that we get married, in the most low key way possible, purely for the legal benefits. I know the historical stuff stinks though and I would rather not but my pragmatic side is taking over!

We have detailed wills. Equal earnings and pension provision ish.
Wills can be changed or cancelled without the beneficiary even knowing. Ditto pension provisions.

Is there no way of doing this without chains of marriage?
What 'chains'? It's a legal contract that's all.
You don't even need to tell people you are married. You can keep your name and carry on living together just as you have been doing.

Btw my kids and I do not have the same surname as me. It's not been the slightest problem ever and I'm not bothered.

You don't even need to tell people you are married. You can keep your name and carry on living together just as you have been doing.

Yes but this is the point- this just means the institution remains the same, if everyone keeps having to do it it tells government that we are all happy with continuing with this. I don't want to be part of it.

The comment about being more committed , it is the whole point I'm making- I don't need a contract to prove commitment thanks