I don't want to get married!

[lemonJ]

I have been told that I am stupid not to get married to my long term partner of 20 years. We are very happy and have three lovely kids.

I have never wanted to get married, I think the whole institution of marriage is archaic and fills me with misery. Giving women away, giving up our name not to mention the ridiculous ceremonies and the cost and stress people feel the need to put themselves through for his day. When is it going to become a thing of the past? It makes me think of wives serving their husbands in the 50s.

Our house is worth more money than when we bought it and I understand that if we get bloody married we will be exempt from paying inheritance tax if one of us dies. I suppose we should then but I do not want to as a political point. Bloody load of old shit. What should I do ?

(Sorry I should have said - society used to be extremely patriarchal. It is obviously still patriarchal now, but just not quite in the same way it was in the Middle Ages!)

You make a good point and you're wedding sounds lovely reddress.

I just feel that mine and my partners very strong and happy relationship is invalidated by these old fashioned ideas and ceremonies which if we don't commit to will leave us less protected than those who conform.

@chicklingpixies I wish I had the same day as you. I told my mum It was going to be just immediate family only, she got the hump and insisted she pay for extended family and friends to come. Why did I let her? We shouldn't have told her and I regret it now.

Fucks sake. It's not about conforming.

But yes, that's what we all did, feckless useless feminists that we all are

@lemonj does it help if you think of it from the point of view of people who want to opt out?

If we have a system where you and your partner are treated as de facto husband and wife, then ultimately that may mean people who have good reason to not want the legal contract of marriage (say, people in second relationships with complicated house ownership situations) aren't able to live together or they'll lose those rights.

As it happens, I do think there should be some interim protections: I've said on here before that the law changed in Ireland 5 years or so ago so that if a couple have lived together for 5 years or 2 if they have children then can apply for some kind of interim maintenance/property redistribution on the basis of that. Its nowhere near the same protection of marriage, but its something, and its opt-out. I do think for all the protections of marriage it should be opt-in, and I guess I struggle to think of an alternative - a lot of people would object if you took away the name marriage, and for any really useful 'civil partnership' it would have to basically be marriage in all but name.

Good point Redress. Several of my parents' generation friends have new relationships after being widowed and choose to live together, keep their separate homes etc for inheritance reasons, plus in some cases they would lose their (spouse's) pensions if they remarry. Being of a more conventional age some of them would like to marry but can't.

I don't agree that not getting married makes a political point of that marriage is merely an archaic institution. Nonetheless it is of course up to you if you choose to marry and they're has been lots of great advice on how to protect yourself financially.

But surely if you don't get married and one day he cheats on you, will you not get half if the house etc? For some it's more about legal status

redress you could have an opt-out system for people who don’t want de facto rights.

I thought that posting on a feminist board there would be more people that would understand my point of view but most just say that I'm stupid and I should just suck it up and stop making a fuss.

I'm surprised too, Lemon. I share your objections to marriage and am surprised others are so quick to condemn.

When we drew up our wills we asked the solicitor whether we should get married for practical/financial reasons as we would have reluctantly considered it as purely a practical step, and she said it wouldn't make any difference.

'I share your objections to marriage and am surprised others are so quick to condemn.'

A lot of people get VERY defensive about this issue every time it comes up. Hmmm. And yes, the tone of a lot of the comments is 'stop whining and get on with it. You're not so special!' Nice, especially on a feminist board!

I think there are two words I just don't want associated with my intimate relationship

Legally binding.

Just get married, quickly and quietly. I felt the same as you for years. Patriarchy, feminism, principles etc. It IS in your interests to get married and until that changes you'd be better off playing the system until such a time that it changes. What are you doing to change this? On a personal level if it means nothing but makes life easier in the long run, why not? Legally you are covered. The courts/governing body don't care about your feelings and your principles so treat it as business. Just do it. 2 witnesses, all sorted within an hour, you'll still be a feminist after.

What's the point getting married if you don't want to? It defies all logic and it won't succeed because you aren't in the right mindspace. I'd give it a year, max.

What's the point getting married if you don't want to? It defies all logic and it won't succeed because you aren't in the right mindspace. I'd give it a year, max.

A year? Until what?

I think there are two words I just don't want associated with my intimate relationship

Legally binding.

And that is an excellent reason not to marry. Marriage is a legally binding contract - that is its whole purpose, whatever name you give it. If you wish to enter into a legally binding contract - and many do, for practical and/or emotional reasons - then marriage exists to enable you to do that. Really not getting the angst about it.

LemonJ

I suggest you marry each other secretly. Do not tell anyone. No rings. Registry office. No name change. Just do that.

If you want to, afterwards you could privately tell those next of kin who need to know the legal and property situation if you die.

Solved.

LemonJ - a year until they split up, silly! What did you think I meant? A year until they float away in a beautiful pea green boat?

*@Singlenotsingle *
But we have been together for 20 years, why have we only got a year now?

I feel exactly the same way as you do - and yes, I know marriage isn't about frocks and rings and names or what have you, it's more that it's an institution that I don't want to be a part of. If civil partnerships for straight people were I thing, that's what I'd go for.

As it happens, my OH of 15 years and I paid a solicitor friend, who specialises in private/family law, to go through our affairs and ensure that house/pensions/life insurance/rights of attorney etc were tied up for us, but even at 'mates' rates', it was bloody expensive. It would only cost about £100 to do the whole thing at a registry office.

Sometimes I worry I'm being thrawn just for the sake of it, so hearing that other people share my opinion gives me a boost.

'hearing that other people share my opinion gives me a boost.'

You're definitely not the only one keep an eye on the news, there will be a Supreme Court ruling on extending civil partnerships to opposite sex couples in the next few months. Fingers crossed for the right result!

I’m married and I didn’t give up my surname. I agree it is absolute slavery like to do so. In my culture we don’t give up our surnames as that disrespectful for the woman and her family.. so maybe u don’t have to do that? It’s perfectly acceptable..

Get married in a county that doesn’t expect that lols

marriage is a contract between you which confers certain rights. If you want those rights the easiest way to get them is to get married. The rights are fairly significant so I think the law is correct to require a contract to take place and not just assume that's what a couple intended when they shared a home.

You don't need big white dresses, fancy parties or soppy vows or to change your name.

I really understand rejecting the social/softer side of marriage though.

Giving women away, giving up our name not to mention the ridiculous ceremonies and the cost and stress people feel the need to put themselves through for his day

I'm married and I did NONE of these things.