A temporary cessation of hostilities

[ScarletBegonias]

I know how serious all this is – but there may be no harm in a little light relief from time to time.

So - has anyone else found themselves watching the football and fantasising about a game between Trans Rights Activists (or whatever they’d like to call themselves) and … shall we say … a Mumsnet Team of Everyday Radical Feminists? (Or maybe a team called Spartacus?) After all, there was a temporary cessation of hostilities at Christmas 1914 during which English and German troops apparently played football with each other.

Here are some extracts from how the commentary might go:

“That was a dangerous run by Munroe Bergdorf, neatly blocked at the last minute by AngryAttackKittens.”

“Keeper Jane Fae has put the knitting down in the corner of the net as Datun steps up to take the penalty.”

“SwearyGodmother has been shown a yellow card for something she said to the referee.”

“Bowlofbabelfish, Spontaneousgiventime, and LangCleg are in the wall as Paris Lees gets ready to take the free kick.”

“We can see how important the preparation was, with R0wantrees briefing the team on the opposition’s tactics in previous matches.”

“The referee is running over to an incident involving the realposieparker and Lily Madigan.”

You can paint your own mental pictures of what the spectators might look like!

Okay. Back to reality.

Yes Juzza Bergdorf's had an interesting career - trying to substitute their star striker Burns, walking out to Team Mumsnet who all turned their backs when Bergdorf was announced as Captain...and more recently Bergdorf, before even getting a chance to get stuck into the new role, resigned after a mass protest about the unsuitability of an unskilled TRA who often badmouths team Mumsnet and knows nothing about football being their manager.

Play is halted as Player Knight leaves the field for an urgent leg waxing appointment. The departure is penetrating for Knight and the TRAs.

Just had a word in my earpiece. It's 'Team Sportacus' not 'Team Mumsnet'. Apologies if i've made it hard to follow the play.

Do I now have to go off and read football reports?

I hate football!

And Danielle Muscato has been sent off for trying to take a space on Team Sporticus that doesn’t belong to them. Muscato is heard to yell “suck my ladydick” on the way to the dugout to jeers from the Sporticus fans....

God you lot are brilliant

IW comes on as a sub and is greeted by boos. They sulk and start to stamp around the pitch shouting I am a woman and flashing their boobs to prove it. The boos continue...

IW flounces off and goes to interview Sepp Blatter on behalf of 5 News. The interview seems largely to consist of IW haranguing SB on the fact that he has not instantly made a pass at IW. (This is totally my fantasy interview, btw - both parties getting exactly what they deserve in life).

Team Sportacus Star goalkeeper Miranda Yardley is forced to leave the pitch after refusing to use the term SPOFS and colourfully telling Bergdorf to F off. Sportacus fans in the stadium erupt in solidarity when Yardley walks off the pitch with two middle fingers raised, protesting loudly. “WE’RE BOTH MEN!!!!” becomes the viral meme of the game.

Willoughby squares up to a supporter in the Team Sportacus stand.... looks about to headbutt them.... This wouldn't be the first time Willoughby's lost their temper on the pitch.

Willoughby is turning out to be a liability for Team TRA who are trying to look like they've cleaned up their act...

Oh look now.... Willoughby is holding out an arm saying they were hit... I think we can all agree that supporter was at least three metres away... did we get it on film?

The crowd is getting wild.

Standing ovation everyone.

Bloody marvellous.

Classics or too niche???

the mumsnet mods are the unhappy linesmen/women being yelled at by everyone.

And Burns is getting ready to take the penalty...

Fae seems to be tying something on their head.... I can't quite make it out.. it looks... no it can't be. .. yes it is - it is a helmet that looks like an egg... Fae is making quite a show of putting it on ....it says on the side .... "see I've got a lady skull" ...

Don't know what that's about..

Some consternation emerges around US players in the TRA team. Their eligibility is eventually established, and their use of the potentially offensive term 'soccer' is permitted, but the referee confiscates their baseball bats.

the referee confiscates their baseball bats.

Snort.

A protest has been logged: Team TRA have identified as Team Sparticus and are demanding their right to access the Sparticus changing room and bath.
The Allies have blocked access to the tunnel: if Team TRA (or Trans-Sparticus as they must henceforth be known) can't have it, then no-one will!

This is so exciting, I can barely contain myself.

With a few minutes to go, manager, Justine Roberts dressed as a clown fish, changes all the rules.

There is chaos on the pitch. The crowd go wild.

They think it's all outre!

It is now.

Overheard in the commentary box...

'A loose, shifting constellation of biological, political and cultural phenomena'? There's no place for that in the modern game, Gary.'

You are all bloody marvellous.

I'm not laughing Datun I'm really not.

Nothing to add but

The video ref is consulted, all MN mods huddle round Justine. The video ref marches over (yeah well, if TRA's can play Sporticus, VR's can march) and orders them all off the pitch for enforcing unfair rules.

Post match discussion includes perplexing news that the offside rule has been redefined by the Scottish Government to include any onside play identifying as offside. Pundits are claiming the offside rule has been stolen behind their backs.

There is an appeal against the VR ref decisions, but it is confirmed that potential, imagined and fabricated fouls will be treated as actual fouls, depending on both the context and which team the individual referee supports and, in some cases, their mood on the day.

England were poor last night but I'm happy to see them winning.

Vel gert Iceland!

Bra gjort! Sweden

Belgium is the dark horse.

I predict a European final. Once again.

Sniff.

I'm still in mourning for the loss of Italy. Sono triste.

Sniffs. As you were.