A temporary cessation of hostilities

[ScarletBegonias]

I know how serious all this is – but there may be no harm in a little light relief from time to time.

So - has anyone else found themselves watching the football and fantasising about a game between Trans Rights Activists (or whatever they’d like to call themselves) and … shall we say … a Mumsnet Team of Everyday Radical Feminists? (Or maybe a team called Spartacus?) After all, there was a temporary cessation of hostilities at Christmas 1914 during which English and German troops apparently played football with each other.

Here are some extracts from how the commentary might go:

“That was a dangerous run by Munroe Bergdorf, neatly blocked at the last minute by AngryAttackKittens.”

“Keeper Jane Fae has put the knitting down in the corner of the net as Datun steps up to take the penalty.”

“SwearyGodmother has been shown a yellow card for something she said to the referee.”

“Bowlofbabelfish, Spontaneousgiventime, and LangCleg are in the wall as Paris Lees gets ready to take the free kick.”

“We can see how important the preparation was, with R0wantrees briefing the team on the opposition’s tactics in previous matches.”

“The referee is running over to an incident involving the realposieparker and Lily Madigan.”

You can paint your own mental pictures of what the spectators might look like!

Okay. Back to reality.

"It's 3-2 to the Mumsnet Feminists, but the TRAs are self-identifying as having scored 6 goals."

I'm enjoying all this immensely and am glad I started it now!

It's all become a bit anarchic, though. I mean, Jane F was knitting quietly in goal last time I looked but now seems to be commentating on the match.

Spontaneous - don't worry about being in the wall. As I understand it, you don't have to do a lot except stand there and deflect a ball which may be kicked very fast and hard towards you. I think you're allowed to turn your back if you want.

More, please!

Dr Adrian and Dr Christian, the medics, are refusing health care to Team Terf on the grounds that these women are literal monsters.

It's OK Scarlet - Jane F is back on the pitch. The clicking of her knitting needles was interfering with the commentary.

TRA's are now complaining they have to wear shorts as they want to wear little skirts and while some choose to wear fancy knickers many want to go without. FIFA have been consulted.

It's a red card for Jane Fae!!!

The ref has sent her off for skewering the SPOF with a knitting needle whilst saving a cracking shot to goal from Ditum.

Penelty awarded and Sweary steps up to take the shot as team TRA hastily replace goalie Jane Fae with substitute Shon Faye.

...Faye's taking a while to get on the pitch - we are hearing from the dugout that there's an been an issue with SF's pre-match ritual where inspirational songs from Erasure seem to have been appropriated by Team Mumsnet.

MN supporters have got wind of the development and are now singing Respect loudly from the stands.

Ref's not buying it though and SF finally steps into goal attaching a talisman of some sort to the post. Ah we are informed it's a inspirational picture (aka mirror).

Sweaty lines up the shot and "GOAL!!!". Right in the top corner.

To be fair there's no way Faye could have got to that, even if they had stopped "taking inspiration".

For me it is all about the fashion. The managers are making a real effort this year and frankly it is about time. Armani suits, the brilliant white starched Hugo Boss shirts and silk ties, the jaunty waistcoats, the matching outfits between managers and assistant managers. Dizzying, I tell you. The beautiful game indeed.

Actually now you mention it Gareth had made a proper effort last night. With his clothes I mean. The football left a bit to be desired if I'm honest.

Team Mumset don't look happy.

After confirring with team TRA, the ref has announced that mentioning or kicking the ball is a literal foul and, depending on the context, could lead to a yellow or red card or not.

Team TRA are swishing their hair and grabbing their crotches in triumph while Team Mumset seek clarification to know how proceed with the game.

Gary Lineker has commented.

"Well despite some dirty tactics from team TRA, it seem team Spartacus are holding firm.

Their defence has been particularly solid. Critics of their play have suggested they needed to bolster their attacking play and to be fair they seem to have responded. New recruits from the Friday Academy have definitely added a new dimension to the team. I think Spartacus definitely have the squad to take not just the match but the tournament.

In contrast team TRA seem to be relying solely on long SPOFS and set pieces that Spartacus are anticipating. There's definitely an air of frustration and a lack of cohesion about their play currently."

For fans who may be confused, the items formally know as "balls" must be referred to as SPOFS (spherical playing objects for sport).
I'm dying here!

Whoops I forgot Jane Fae was knitting in goal!

Team Spartacus cease play while its decided if it is physically possible for Jane Fae to be in two places at once.

Team TRA decide to change the laws of physics and the game resumes. Gary Linekar only took over from Jane again when she flounced off when he said he didn't fancy them.

Match suspended! Lil Owen Jones has taken the SPOFS and gone home, but not before shouting My Gender Neutral Parent is bigger than your Gender Neutral Parent.

Absolute scenes here, folks, absolute scenes!

"Actually now you mention it Gareth had made a proper effort last night".

He sure did make the effort with his ensemble. Dapper is the word I'd use.

And that is why we have to keep expanding the bandwith of what football should be. Clearly it is working.

I'm proud to be part of it, I won't lie. I see myself as a modern-day frontier hero like Davy Crockett but better and more fashionable. I am determined to keep pushing beyond the frontiers of the Wild West (Bromwich Albion).

Gary Linekar only took over from Jane again when she flounced off when he said he didn't fancy them.

Crying here. OMG!

We're back but there's a delay in kicking off. Team TRA have refused to take to the pitch until after they've each done their Soccerette catwalk to Mr Big Stuff.

Team terf got a SPOFS from one of their cars and the games on again

Lily has run off the field in tears because the SPOFS came towards them, they cowered and tried to swat it but they broke a nail. Has started a crowd funder once more

Morgane oger has been sent on as a replacement and is threatening legal action against said SPOFS for violently attacking Lilly and all on the tra team.

Claims that's the law in Canada and by extension in Europe.

Hahahaha!

In newer developments, the referee has ruled that hands CAN be used in the game, but only if they identify as feet.
Team TRA is now wearing the same jerseys as team Sportacus, and accuse team Sportacus of literal murder because they’re still not passing the SPOFS to them.

Sepp Blatter, former head of FIFA, has come out of (compulsory) retirement and interrupted a long liquid lunch to say he's been on record for many years as saying lady footbistes should wear fetching hot pants on pitch, so he thoroughly welcomes the move to frilly knickers and gym skirts.

However, D Muscato seems to have taken advantage of the half-time transfer window to rejoin team TRA. Blatter is eyeing up Muscato's ensemble (cerise gym knickers and low-cut red dress which shows off Muscato's perfectly coiffed and conditioned chest hair to maximum advantage) and seems to be rethinking his earlier policy.

The half time TRA cheeerleaders are getting ready in the tunnel and practising.

Gimmie a 'W'! Gimme a 'O' Gimmie a ...
can be heard echoing from the tunnel.

A strange shadow can be seen on the left leg underneath the skirts of one of the cheerleader. No one knows what it is.

Team Mumsnet's star striker Burns is going to take the free kick.

Team TRA are having trouble protecting their crotches and looking lady-like at the same time.

Play is stopped to find a solution that isn't 'outing'.

Jamie redknapp is literally commentating and literally complaining about team TRAs literal blatant literal misuse of the word 'literal'.