Male colleague - views on changing name

[Sailinghappy]

Just interested in what people think about this scenario.

Yesterday my male colleague (totally randomly) asked me if my surname was on my birth certificate. I said no, it's my surname through marriage. He openly laughed and said he was disappointed in me for taking my husband's surname at marriage. He said he thought he was "a better feminist" than me and that taking my husband's name is sexist. I told him I certainly am feminist and that I support women's choices, to do whatever they like. I wasn't forced to take his name, it was my decision and I'm happy with it!!

Do other people agree with my colleague or is he in the minority?

I would regard his attitude as misogynist but it does highlight that if the feminists create situations where people have to show a birth certificate to access women-only spaces that will significantly disadvantage women like you.

Just my guess. He's not a feminist, or an ally. He's a real life troll who is using the social cover of feminism to spray a little sexist harassment around and make you question yourself. Don't waste any mental energy on what the prick says.

Spray and walk away.

He’s an idiot, think no more of it. As PP said he’s just trolling you. Ignore.

I’m planning on taking my DPs name, but it wasn’t assumed and I’ve really assessed why I’m doing it and decided it’s right for me. That’s my choice as a feminist.

He's not a feminist if he feels he can judge women for making a totally legal and normal choice. I didn't change my name when I married, but my attitude to the whole thing centres around it being a choice, I would only disapprove of a name change if someone (usually a woman) had been forced into it and was unhappy about it.

Yeah

He is a twat

Ignore

Fucking bellend...

I wouldn't laugh at you but unless one's own surname is awful or there are reasons one might want to distance oneself from an unpleasant birth family I can't think of any other valid reasons to give up one's name.

I don't think he is being misogynistic about this. I am always disappointed at the alacrity of so many women to jump at the chance to go through the hassle of changing their name.

He’s not a feminist, he’s a bloke.

Doesn’t sound like an ally either.

Having said that, marriage did originate from a misogynistic, patriarchal system where women were given away to their husbands, hence the name change.

On the flip side, it’s 2018. Marriage doesn’t mean what it did, despite the origins.

So says me, a married woman who changed her name (because I disliked my own). You can participate in a tradition and be aware of its origins or what it represents forcwomen in different countries/cultures.

A bit like how socialisation of girls to wear makeup is bullshit - but I still like a bit of slap.

I’m planning on taking my DPs name, but it wasn’t assumed and I’ve really assessed why I’m doing it and decided it’s right for me. That’s my choice as a feminist

Why? Why is it right for you to give up your name (assuming your name isn't Higginbottom-Smellie) but not for your partner to give up his?

I have had this and I reply

"I chose to have a family name rather than keep my sexist fathers name, what has it got to do with you?"

If you get on with your DF you can adapt it.

All names are mens names, saying being the same as your DH not your father is sexist is illogical.

Oh and as a mixed race woman, my F has a 'slave name' so it would have been the same of a white plantation owner originally - I have asked people to explain how that is a feminist choice which can be pleasingly awkward....

Even so, I'd at her have my father's name than my FIL's name! I didn't change my name as I just couldn't go along with the misogyny involved.

It’s really none of his business.

Rather!!!

I find the almost universal acceptance of changing one's name depressing. I find it very odd that so many women say on here they think deeply about it and come to the choice which is right for them- yet that choice requires a relinquishment from women not expected from men.

I think hanging on to this convention is a major obstacle in equality.

I dont understand flibbertys point. Doesnt your birth cert say that you are female or male? Name is irrelevant. Also nobody is asking people to show their birth certs to use facilities although I guess if men keep trying to get into them, it may. come to that.
OPs colleague just sounds like an argumentative wally as even if she hadnt changed her name it was no doubt still her fathers surname not her mothers.

It’s changing a name for another so what difference does it make if you do or don’t?

LassWiADelicateAir why do you assume that him changing his name wasn’t part of the conversations we’ve had? My DSis is marrying next year, her fiancé is taking her name. Friends have double barrelled, not changed. All options were open to us, we’ve decided me changing mine to his is the right option for us. There are many reasons why, if you need me to list them I can?

After I’d finished laughing at him I would remind him that
A) my name and where it originated from is none of his business
B) Feminsim is not a competition
C) feminism has no entry exam, its ok to have different opinions and still be a feminist.

Then I would dismiss him as either a wind up merchant or a bit simple tbh.

Sorry that should have said it’s changing mans name...

Oh and as a mixed race woman, my F has a 'slave name' so it would have been the same of a white plantation owner originally - I have asked people to explain how that is a feminist choice which can be pleasingly awkward....

That is dead easy. If you don't like your family name there is nothing stopping you at any point in your life as an adult changing it to one you do like. There was no need to wait until you were married.

I’m changing mine when I get married. DP didn’t assume I would, and wouldn’t care if I didn’t. But I have DSD, who has asked me if we can all have the same name. Her mother has a different name to her, and her three sisters have a different name again. Which is fine. But she was very excited for me, her & her father to be the same. And honestly, the whole thing doesn’t other me that much, so why wouldn’t I do I to make her happy?

Ffs! I give up! I clearly can’t string a coherent sentence together so I’ll get my coat 🤦🏻‍♀️

LassWiADelicateAir why do you assume that him changing his name wasn’t part of the conversations we’ve had?

Why do these conversations in 99.99% of cases still end up with the women being the one to change her surname?

LassWiADelicateAir I agree, there’s is a lot of traditional assumption that the women will be the one to change, but that doesn’t mean that’s always the case. There does need to be more openness from everyone to different options. We could have decided to take mine, or double barrel, or neither change. But the option that works best for me for all the reasons I have taken into account in the lengthy period it’s taken me to decide, is to take his.

Your colleague sounds like a nosey git looking for a row

I'd have asked him if he thought I was a plant.