Male colleague - views on changing name

[Sailinghappy]

Just interested in what people think about this scenario.

Yesterday my male colleague (totally randomly) asked me if my surname was on my birth certificate. I said no, it's my surname through marriage. He openly laughed and said he was disappointed in me for taking my husband's surname at marriage. He said he thought he was "a better feminist" than me and that taking my husband's name is sexist. I told him I certainly am feminist and that I support women's choices, to do whatever they like. I wasn't forced to take his name, it was my decision and I'm happy with it!!

Do other people agree with my colleague or is he in the minority?

I think it's an excellent analogy too.
But for what it's worth, my own experience of keeping my name wasn't low cost, at least in the sense that there was significant family resistance that required me to give my reasons repeatedly. It was decades ago, and a particularly traditional family, so maybe my experience was unusual then and might be extremely unusual now. I hope so.

Cards
I'm sorry you had to put up with that.
Unfortunately I think in many cases it is still 'high cost' for many people, and that's why many women don't do it.

The 'his name was more common/less common/sounded better/it's my father's name anyway' etc. tend to be justifications for what in the majority of cases is people going along with the easier option that brings less resistance, of the type that you experienced.

That in and of itself indicates that there is something meaningful at stake.

I agree with Cards, and everytime this comes up in AIBU there are loads of women (I am one of them) who have to put up with the annoyance of relatives refusing to use my correct name and being told it's a minor matter not worth fussing over.
The fact that many people don't seem to be able to compute something (my name) not changing suggests they are invested in it changing

I have noticed a trend in society where people are always in other people's business where it doesn't affect their lives in any way whatsoever.

Even at work amongst near-strangers you get asked all sorts of intrusive questions. It's usually a lead-up (as in your case) to them wanting to start arguing with you about your views.

I agree with you OP, but you need to think of a way of stonewalling these questions before they gain momentum. Unless you want to give idiots like your colleague airtime.

@AppleKatie's post is good IMO.

Aw thanks absolutely you’re too kind!

I do think we’ve missed the point by arguing about the rights and wrongs. Fundamentally as a human being the OP has the right to be called whatever she likes without having her political credentials challenged.

Unless presumably she changes her name to Nicholas Cameron Gove-Johnson.

Top ten snappy comebacks for nosy people

ishouldhavesaid.net/2013/09/top-ten-comebacks-for-nosy-people/

Hey, I found your nose, it’s in my business again!

Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither.

Oh I didn’t tell you. It must have been none of your business then.

My life, my mistakes, my choices. Not your business!

My business isn’t your business. Unless you’re my thong, don’t be up my ass.

If you are going to have opinions about my life than I can assume you will be paying some of my bills.

Oh, I didn’t realize you were an expert on my life. Continue while I take notes.

It’s better to have your nose in a book than someone else’s business.
It’s an odd thing how some people have to be all up in your business, kind of like a wedgie. Now that’s some bad crack.

Mind your own problems before you talk about mine.

Fundamentally as a human being the OP has the right to be called whatever she likes without having her political credentials challenged

I agree. It shouldn't need to be defended at all.

There is of course the argument put forward that the family should all have the same name. How does that work if you have children, then divorce and re-marry? Are the children supposed to change their names to their step-father's?

My mother married twice and divorced twice and never changed her name. My brother and I both have her surname.

^ Personally I would not remarry in this situation. For me, marriage is only once.

Why is avoiding marriage preferable? It’s (now) just a legal structure that does not inherently advantage either sex. Of course, the way marriage is enacted socially is often far from equal, but this is true of all relationships whether or not they involve a legal contract. How would getting rid of the legal structures of marriage actually help?

Personally I have a horrible suspicion that getting rid of the legal structures of marriage would still just leave women as a cohort holding the babies and doing the disproportionate amount of caring and housework that we do now, but without any of the (imperfect but more than zero) legal protections. But then I'm cynical, me.

As I've said on another thread, obviously every woman has the right to do what she wants, but there is simply no getting around the fact that taking a man's name on marriage is an anti-feminist act. That doesn't mean that a woman making this 'choice' is not a feminist in other spheres of her life, just that this particular choice is not feminist.

Ask yourself how many men would be prepared to abandon their name and family heritage in favour of their wife's. Ask yourself how many men 'don't like their surname' or 'have a name which is difficult to spell' and therefore take their wife's instead. The answer is virtually none. And as for the 'we wanted to have a single family name' response, fair enough. But that could be achieved just as well by the entire family taking the woman's name.

But hardly any man would agree to that, no matter how right-on or 'feminist' he may be. That's because no man will give up his family heritage in favour of someone else. That's women's role.