Childrens' surname - What did you do?

[Laurel543]

I have a 2 week old with my partner of 20 years and we are struggling to agree what surname to give the child.

We had planned to get married this year but I unexpectedly (and happily) became pregnant instead. When talking about the marriage, we said we wanted to share the same name and had very loosely agreed that we would both change our names (probably to a name we both liked from one of our family trees). I thought that this neatly sidestepped the problem of choosing one of our surnames and was very happy with the plan. We had talked a little about choosing a name before the baby is born and I have been researching potential names.

Since the birth of our child, my lovely partner, who has never shown any patriarchal tendencies, has decided that he’s not in fact prepared to change his name and is also insisting that the child has his surname. Ideally stand alone but he will consider double barrelling if absolutely necessary.

I am obviously surprised and disappointed!
He has a few reasons for his stand, the main one being that “this is what everyone does” (to be fair, all of our friends and family have given their DC the fathers name, married or not).
I feel pretty deflated about the whole thing. FtI am perfectly happy to change my own surname and feel strongly that I also want to share my child’s surname but I am equally unwilling to change my name to his.
Our names are both pretty clunky and do not double barrel well. There is also no easy way of amalgamating them.

We have reached stalemate

(Posted before I’d finished)
I’d really like to hear how other people have dealt with this as I can’t see any solution at the moment.
Have posted in feminism because I’m specifically interested in a feminist perspective. Am a long time lurker on this board and have a lot of respect for the

Level of thoughtfulness and debate to be found here.

Apologies for multiple posts, I am breastfeeding and typing with one hand and keep knocking the post button by accident!

Depends who's got the nicest surname. If his name is Shufflebottom or Pratt, I wouldn't want to have his name. If YOUR name is S or P, you should be glad to get rid of it. After all, what's in a name?

Just give him a new surname, deed poll
Use part of your surname and part of your partners surname and use that

It costs a tenner love to but a deed poll online

Double barrel. Neither of us changed our names (despite what the Christmas card envelopes may say... ).
That way, if you ever split up, there shouldn't be any questions about parentage because your child (partially) has your surname.

To us it seemed like the fairest, non-patriarchal thing to do. Equal parenting, equal naming.

Can you put one of your last names as your child middle name?

We used my surname-his surname because it seemed to roll of the tongue better in that order. Caused a few eye rolls, but couldn't give a shit.

DD has a unique surname that she can shorten/change at a later date should she wish.

• Off!

My stance was if we weren't married, the children got my surname. The traditional aspect only comes into play if you do something traditional I.e. get married.

However, you are in a grey area. Is the wedding actively planned?

@Mum2OneTeen * off isn't a good surname because kids will make fun of him

Hey I just need to check the register this morning class, is Mr Ford here, how about mr Smith? * off are you here ? Yes sir

I am married and did not change my name, nor did my husband. We also both have (different!) double barreled names, given to us at birth.

When our child was born they got one of my surnames and one of my partners, so in fact none of us have the same name, but all of us double barreled.

Our kid doesn’t have the most elegant of names but it’s worked fine for us and we have had no problems. You can always drop one in everyday use.

Call your kid Blaine

Iam married and didn't change my name. Sons name is double barreled.

Thanks everyone. It is really useful to hear others’ experiences and that an unwieldy double barrel isn’t necessarily a problem!

As I did not change my name upon marriage I agreed that our DD could have my DH's surname as the first initial was higher up the alphabet than mine. I chose her first name.

I’m married, kept my surname and DS has my name. DH and my names don’t work double barrelled and there’s no way I was giving DS DH’s name because of convention. DH was (and still is) welcome to change his name.
This has caused ructions in the wider family but really it’s not their decision.

We are not married and both our DC have his surname. DP wanted it that way because he moved here from abroad, so our children will be growing up in a country that is not his and he wanted them to have something that reminded them of their roots. It was fine by me.
In your case, I wouldn't be happy about giving your DC just his surname. I'd make up a new surname if your surnames are both long, otherwise they will end up being called by the first surname.

Originally dd had her father's name but after we split and he didn't bother with her she switched to using mine

Hi OP,

We were very dull and just went with my husband’s surname for the children.

I rationalised this in a few ways (my surname is unspellable to most people, my husband’s is a very attractive name, taking the husband’s name is the thing everyone does etc etc)

Based on my principles, really we should have double barrelled. And while it’s not something that has bothered me day to day since, the reverse I’m sure would also have been true; double barrelling our kids names would not have been a big deal but would have made a clear statement about the equality of our relationship.

I think symbolic things like names, marriage ceremonies etc are significant and do create hierarchies of importance in how society views the sexes.

So, I think you’re right to be considering it.
I would think the double barrelled option the best. It’s obviously a compromise on your original agreement with your partner but it does reflect that both of your family histories are important for your child not just the man’s. It’s a very usual thing to do, so your partners discomfort at bucking a norm shouldn’t be an issue. I think you could push for the first name in the double barrel to be yours After all, you’re still compromising as you’re agreeing not to go through with what you both had agreed on.

In our group of friends, it’s interesting how many couples were set on challenging the status quo regarding naming before the birth of their child but how few went through with it.

One couple was going to both go double barrelled by deed poll and then double barrell their child’s name. Another was going to give their child a surname that was an amalgamation of both. In the end one of them ended up giving the child the mother’s name as their middle name.

My husband wanted to change his name and he liked my mum's maiden name (after we wrote down all the names on both sides of our family going back a few generations).

So the kids and I have the same surname. We are a matriarch family I guess

I married but didn't change my name - we decided girls would have my last name, boys his - he hated double barrelled (I'd have been happy with it). We had three girls. All now adults, it didn't cause any problems. The parent who will do most of the doctors / dentists / school liaison is the one who will find it easiest sharing a last name with the children. Friends who tried to keep their own last name but gave the children the fathers are the ones who ended up changing to hisname as it was exhausting having to constantly correct people.

Legally you can give a child whatever lastname you want. If you are not married then he would have to come with you to register the birth in order for his name to be on the BC though.

We are married but I didn’t change my name. Had always said I wouldn’t but was fine with children having husband’s name (my name is my father’s name after all).

When my daughter was born I suddenly felt like I needed her to have my name too, so she has double barrelled my surname his surname. Would have swapped them the other way if thought that sounded better but thought it sounded (unweildy but!) better this way round.

Deals with anticipated issues of my not having same surname at school or if travelling without husband.

My husband is generally quite traditional so I was slightly surprised that he agreed without question, but a pleasant surprise.

Good luck :)

Neither of us changed our name when we got married and I'm expecting our first baby in a few weeks - we're double-barrelling. I wasn't mad keen on how our names sound double barrelled (and to be honest I don't like his surname at all) but I couldn't see another solution that actually felt like a compromise, and which allowed us both to have a link to our child's surname for practical reasons. Over the four months or so since we decided that this was definitely what we're doing (and what order to put them in) the name has sounded more and more 'right' to me, despite my initial feeling it was unwieldy.

DD has my last name. Her father wasnt happy about it but I look after her. If you want to change surname in the future you need his permission assuming he is on the birth certificate so its better to stick with yours for now.
I see a lot of posts on mn where DC have been given their father's name on the assumption that the wedding will happen later but then it doesn't.
You could double barrel and use your last name for the things that you sign up for and your DP does the same. In the majority of cases DC would end up with their mother's name if all couples who kept their names did this but then it might encourage more fathers to be more involved.

My 2DSs got my DP's surname. We're marrying soon. I won't change my name.

It was very unweildy to double-barrel. (Lots of punctuation!)

However both DS's have my late mother's maiden name as a middle name. (It's an otherwise "dead" name in the family)

I did actually come at this from a feminist perspective, I figured there was no more rational argument for passing down my father's name than my partner's!