Childrens' surname - What did you do?

[Laurel543]

I have a 2 week old with my partner of 20 years and we are struggling to agree what surname to give the child.

We had planned to get married this year but I unexpectedly (and happily) became pregnant instead. When talking about the marriage, we said we wanted to share the same name and had very loosely agreed that we would both change our names (probably to a name we both liked from one of our family trees). I thought that this neatly sidestepped the problem of choosing one of our surnames and was very happy with the plan. We had talked a little about choosing a name before the baby is born and I have been researching potential names.

Since the birth of our child, my lovely partner, who has never shown any patriarchal tendencies, has decided that he’s not in fact prepared to change his name and is also insisting that the child has his surname. Ideally stand alone but he will consider double barrelling if absolutely necessary.

I am obviously surprised and disappointed!
He has a few reasons for his stand, the main one being that “this is what everyone does” (to be fair, all of our friends and family have given their DC the fathers name, married or not).
I feel pretty deflated about the whole thing. FtI am perfectly happy to change my own surname and feel strongly that I also want to share my child’s surname but I am equally unwilling to change my name to his.
Our names are both pretty clunky and do not double barrel well. There is also no easy way of amalgamating them.

We have reached stalemate

Arrrggggggghhhh

For the millionth time, why does your name belong to your father but your DH’s name belong to him (rather than his father)?!

And did none of you women who dislike your fathers and/or their surnames think of changing your surname to your mother’s?!!

did none of you women who dislike your fathers and/or their surnames think of changing your surname to your mother’s?!!
Was a bit late by the time I thought of it as I was already known by my name professionally.
I say my name (my dad's name) as a clarification, as my name could have come from my mum, dad, their combined names, a first husband, or out of thin air.

Initially we were going to come up with a new family name for all of us, but DH's family strongly objected at 8 months (I was so upset with their timing) and then DH decided it was too much trouble to change his name because he couldn't get his degree certificates changed.

Needless to say I was very disappointed. I've wanted us all to share a family name and I was resolute about not taking my husband's just because of tradition. But I was pregnant and tired and wanted to stop the fighting so I agreed that we would keep our names, baby would use my last name as a middle name and DH's as a surname. The end result sounded nice.

After a traumatic birth I had a slight wobble but didn't tell DH who was very excited about getting lo registered. In the weeks after though I was very depressed about it. In all the hospital and gp appointments it was DH's name that was used when lo was called for, and it didn't sound like my baby.

After some time I confessed to DH that I was unhappy, and DH was pretty upset, but he wanted me to be happy so we managed to get it amended on the birth certificate. It was a huge pain and cost £90, but it's now done and we are both happy. It's double barreled but without a hyphen. It's not that pretty and it's more of a mouthful. It's more of a pain spelling out his name over the telephone (and his first name is hard to spell too). I hope he won't mind the extra bother and that he'll understand how important it was to me that his name represents each of us. If he decides in the future to only use one of the surnames, including my DH's, then I will be fine with that because it's his choice.

Sunrise
Sorry it was such a fraught decision and process for you in the end
FWIW I think you absolutely made the right decision

For the millionth time, why does your name belong to your father but your DH’s name belong to him (rather than his father)?!

My name doesn't belong to my father, it just reminds me of him, links and I hate him, so was happy to be rid of it.
DH's name doesn't belong to his father, but it does remind of of him and link him. Fortunately, he doesn't hate his father.
Why I change it to my mother's, a name I never knew her as?

I'm married and took my husband's surname as I wanted to have the same surname as my children. We discussed whether to use mine or to use his, and my DH was quite open to either. In the end we went for his as its really unusual (think 75/80 people in the world) as opposed to mine which is very common. I also like linking things to the past so have used family names as middle names. I've never regretted it!

So because I am a bit of a saddo bored, I’ve done a tally of the responses so far

36 respondents gave children the father’s surname
18 gave children both surnames (with or without hyphen)
15 gave children the mother’s surname
4 found other solutions (eg 2 children with 1 surname each, merged surnames, or entirely new name)

I will reiterate my earlier point and say that I find this depressing, especially given that we’re in feminist chat

It’s interesting that quite a few mothers who gave children the father’s surname now regret it

Oh and I also noted the reasons for choosing the father’s surname - lots of people said his surname was “nicer” and several people were influenced by in-laws - honestly if mine had a tantrum about surnames that would have made me stick to my guns even more! But we are of course all subject to social pressures and (as women) conditioned to please others, so we make decisions on that basis, and we are not to blame for that. The patriarchy is.

AnotherEmma thank you 😊. It was quite stressful for both of us, but it was worth it, and if a little clunky it sounds just right for him.

Make that 37 (a new post since I counted)

But we are of course all subject to social pressures and (as women) conditioned to please others, so we make decisions on that basis, and we are not to blame for that. The patriarchy is.

This. Thank you.

Sunrise

Well said emma

Currently pregnant and thinking about this too. I didn’t change my name when we married. My husband didn’t change his either. Neither of us are fans of double barrelled names. But we’ve both come to conclusion that this is the fairest option for the baby. And we’ve spend a lot of time in Latin America, so are used to people having two surnames.

I don’t want a hyphen though.

I think the child can dump a surname along the way if they like - which might depend on the country we live in (we have surnames that are clearly from each of countries we are from). But I think it’s important that both names are on the birth certificate and passport (well I think it’s important that mine is and am willing to compromise on my husband’s )

But I’m expecting lots of funny looks from family about the two surnames.

We gave our kids a different surname to either of us. It came up when I was pregnant - DP who has never shown any interest in it before suddenly thought maybe his name would be better as more unusual... except it isn’t, so I was able to laugh (gently) and suggest we go with something else entirely.

Our kids have their maternal grandmother’s maiden name (which had died out as she had all sisters who had changed their names) which is a lovely way to a) remember her and b) acknowledge the awesome generations of strong women they come from. He was happy with that option.

Turned out a friend of his with an older child had done exactly the same in similar circumstances.

Both grandfathers were outraged, btw... I think that helped dp own the decision though!

Neither changed name on marriage. Children (2xDSs) have Myname Hisname without hyphen. It did sound a bit clunky at first but you get used to it. I can't temember why we chose the order I think it sounded very slightly better that way round. Sons seem quite happy, and are free to drop either bit if they want. Both our names are mercifully short - mine has an unusual spelling.

Thanks to everyone who has replied! I have had my hands full all day and not able to check back. Will respond again when I’ve had a chance to read em all!

Dc have dh's name. Ideally we would all have gone double-barrelled - neither of our names are that nice alone (IMO) but they somehow sound very nice and balanced together. But the (ridiculous IMO) law in the country we live in only allows one partner to be double-barrelled and doesn't allow it for children. The other partner has to keep their name, which then becomes the children's name. We could have each kept our names and chosen one of them for the children, but I wanted the double barrel - dh offered to take my name but I wasn't sure I wanted that as there were and are bad vibes around it for Stately Homes reasons and it's not an aesthetically nice name (not terrible but just not nice - I've never loved it, dh's is slightly nicer), plus it's foreign here and not the easiest to pronounce for people who live here. I feel a bit 'disappeared' and am still not really used to the dc just having dh's name. In an absolutely ideal world we would have created a new family name for ourselves, but that's not allowed here

anotheremma
did none of you women who dislike your fathers and/or their surnames think of changing your surname to your mother’s?!!

I would have loved to change to my mother's - she never changed hers and it's a great name. However she has a sister who I'm close to with the same first and middle names so we would literally have identical names. Also within the family we've always been distinguished from each other by our surnames (Harriet M and Harriet S) so it would have been too weird.

As I said, I gave my son my mum's name as a middle, but couldn't justify giving him a surname different from either of us, so he's got his dad's surname.

I agree that female socialisation to please may be a large part of the reason why the majority on this thread have given their child their partner's surname, bur there must be others out there who, like me, did it because they didn't really care and their partner did?

I'm married, kept my own surname, my children have my surname as a middle name and their father's as their surname. I thought they might decide to double barrel at some point, but neither have, they're now young adults and just use their father's name, and I still don't care. I grew them and birthed them from my body so they're mine in a very primitive way their father could never experience, so I'm not bothered what label they bear.

The fact that women generally 'don't really care' or 'don't have a nice name' whereas men do have names that are important to pass on is just patriarchy.

Or it's picking the battles that matter, rather than taking a stand over something that you genuinely don't regard as important, Molly.

Your partner moving the goalposts in something so important is concerning and that would deter me from going with his name for now until I saw what else he expected to change now you have a child.

I gave my surname as a middle name as mine is (apparently) difficult to spell and my OH surname is easy and inoffensive. If we hadn't been married they would have had my surname without question and if I'd wanted them to have my surname at the time my OH would have gone with it.

As a child I was shocked when I discovered girls were expected to change their name on marriage and decided that was never happening. After a few decades of marriage I am almost (but not quite) around to the possibility of compromise and double barrelling our surname.

If it was a 50/50 split between people who cared about passing on their surname and those who didn't then fair enough - but there isn't, it's overwhelmingly women who don't think it is worth having to take a stand over their names.

Pretending that your 'not caring' is completely free choice ignores all the patriarchal conditioning. If you lived in a vacuum, you could claim that, and maybe you still wouldn't care. But I'm guessing you cared about their first name, a little bit? So why not their last name? Because you've been conditioned not to care about your surname, by the patriarchy, because we're told from a young age our surnames aren't our identity, whereas men are conditioned to believe their surnames are. 50 years of change cannot undo 200 years, you don't 'not care' in a vacuum.

I gave dcs my name.

Men often only show their patriarchal tendencies after a baby’s been born.

Your vagina does the work- you get the name!