Childrens' surname - What did you do?

[Laurel543]

I have a 2 week old with my partner of 20 years and we are struggling to agree what surname to give the child.

We had planned to get married this year but I unexpectedly (and happily) became pregnant instead. When talking about the marriage, we said we wanted to share the same name and had very loosely agreed that we would both change our names (probably to a name we both liked from one of our family trees). I thought that this neatly sidestepped the problem of choosing one of our surnames and was very happy with the plan. We had talked a little about choosing a name before the baby is born and I have been researching potential names.

Since the birth of our child, my lovely partner, who has never shown any patriarchal tendencies, has decided that he’s not in fact prepared to change his name and is also insisting that the child has his surname. Ideally stand alone but he will consider double barrelling if absolutely necessary.

I am obviously surprised and disappointed!
He has a few reasons for his stand, the main one being that “this is what everyone does” (to be fair, all of our friends and family have given their DC the fathers name, married or not).
I feel pretty deflated about the whole thing. FtI am perfectly happy to change my own surname and feel strongly that I also want to share my child’s surname but I am equally unwilling to change my name to his.
Our names are both pretty clunky and do not double barrel well. There is also no easy way of amalgamating them.

We have reached stalemate

We're married and both kept our (long) names. We gave our DS DH's surname with my mum's name (her maiden name) as a middle. All three names are very long and would have been ridiculous to double barrel. Also I have my dad's name who I hate so wanted to honour my mother instead.

Since you're not married give the baby your name.

MargaretCavendish

Ah, '22... Now that was a year...

(Wipes mournful tear from eye).

Toss a coin or choose the most attractive surname or the one that comes first in the alphabet. I'm not a fan of double barreling due to practical issues when filling in forms etc.

Can we please lose the stupid "it's just my father's name" thing?

According to the same logic, the baby shouldn't get the guy's name either because it's just HIS father's name. Does nobody actually own their own names? Or is it just women who apparently don't own their own names?

My name is MY name not my father's name because it's the name that I have built up a business reputation with, a social reputation, it is the name I got my degree in and so on.

If a woman wants to lose her surname because she's traditional or whatever then fine, but please don't do this stupid thing of saying that it's just your father's name and not yours. It is YOUR name that you are giving up.

Can we please lose the stupid "it's just my father's name" thing?

Has anyone said that on this thread?

Initially we planned to mesh our surnames. DH has a very generic surname and mine was much more unusual but they fitted together perfectly: think Smith + Ithell = Smithell
However, even just changing my name after marriage was a total faff of admin so we both decided to be Smith and so our son has the same surname. I really wish we had meshed it though.

I bitterly regret giving up my own name when I got married. When DS was born he took my married/his dad’s name. Now his dad, despite living less than a mile away, is completely out of his life I can’t change DSs name to mine without his consent, but I know if I ask for his consent he’d refuse, and probably become abusive.
DS says that as soon as he turns 18 he’s going to change his name, and also get rid of his middle name, which is his dad’s first name.
If I ever remarry I will absolutely not be giving up my name again.

I took DH’s name because I liked it, and the kids have his surname too.

Plenty of last names were originally NOT a father's name. At some point a woman in my family was a female brewer - that's what Brewster means - she then gave that lastname to her descendents, of which I am one. Any offspring of mine that might have MY lastname would be passing on their mothers name and a family name that originated with a woman who worked. The fact that my dad also had it does not make it HIS name!

Yes, upthread this was said.

One name as middle name? It’s not a great compromise but it’s the best I’ve ever managed to come up with. It’s shit thought that your partner has gone all patriarchial after previously being so open minded.

I hate to be that guy, but your problem is your boyfriend changing the goalposts. Having this all ironed out ahead of time was sensible, now he’s suddenly changed his mind one fuck off red flag.

The very idea that now you’re pregnant you will just fall in with his preferences is troubling. Hope it all works out though.

Not really applicable to most people, but my DP is Icelandic and he doesn't have a surname. He has a patronymic. I have my original surname and if we ever get married, DP doesn't have one for me to take so I always will have it just sort of by default. The children have patronymics and no surnames as well so because we have a girl and a boy, we are a family of four with four different last names.

Obviously we actually did go the patriarchal, uncritical route, it just looks a bit different in different cultures. I realise this won't help in your situation but just want you to know we've never had any problems with international travel (which is the one people always seem to be concerned about when parents and children don't share a last name).

*And for the record, I don’t think that all choices are feminist choices, just because they’re made by a woman who calls herself a feminist.

I’m a feminist. Some of my choices are feminist and some of them aren’t.*

I agree. I am a bit disappointed with myself for going with the 'default' and although I could come up with some excuses to justify things on a practical basis, deep down I do know that really we just went with the default because that's what's easiest and that's what people expect. Which is not at all feminist.

qumquat The entire Spanish speaking world manages with double barrelled names, why does the 'what will happen when they get married, 4 names?!?!?' crop up everything this is discussed?

It did indeed become a problem in Germany. When the equality of men and women was written into the German constitution in 1957, for the first time married women received the right to keep their own name (even if it was only as the second name in a double surname)

From 1978, women had the right to have their own surname in first place in a double-barrelled name. And they did. It was, after all, a victory for feminist campaigners. A partial one - if parents disagreed about the surname for their children, the husband automatically won (women didn't really hold high positions at work, so the lawmakers said, and could be expected to change their name). That law was only changed in 1991 - if the parents disagreed, the court tossed a coin (not joking) or the kids could have both surnames.

Anyway, German women were so enthusiastic about this, that within a few years there were double-barrelled kid's surnames everywhere. So then the discussion started about double-barrelled lovebirds marrying and combining their name to triple or even quadruple-barrelled surnames.

There are constantly court cases where women are still trying to do this. But they all lose, because the German law has an incredibly low tolerance for this kind of chaos (imagining a few generations down the line eight or even ten surnames).

So they changed the law again in 1994. No more double-barrelled names allowed (unless you already have one, but even then you cannot add another name to that - double names is the maximum).

From then on, parents had to pick a new name or one of their existing surnames as a family name - this is the surname the children get. Either spouse can choose to change or keep their own name, adopt the new family name or add their own surname to the family name (unless that's the existing double-barrelled surname of one of the spouses).

So if Mr Black marries Ms White, they can choose Black or White as the surname for their future kids, and the partner whose name hasn't been chosen as the family name, can add their own surname to the family name as Mrs or Mr Black-White or Mrs White-Black but the partner with the family name cannot add the spouses name. And if Mr Black-White marries Ms Grey, they can only pick Black-White or Grey as their surname - Black-White-Grey is totally illegal.

We really are so lucky that the UK is totally fine with double surnames...

God that’s ridiculous. No need to ban double-barrelled names. If you must, just ban 3+ surnames, ie people can have a maximum of 2. The Spanish manage it! Just pick one from each parent to give to the kids!

The children had DHs surname. We were not married when they were born. We are now and I also took his name. Not entirely sure why, it was not discussed, just happened that way. Yes its fairly old fashioned, but it works for us.

Except when I got a latter the other day for 'Mrs DH name' (his first name aswell as surname!)

We picked one from the family tree, planning to both change when we married. As he then became abusive, that didn't happen, so for a while we all had a different surname. DC and I now match.

You can pick any surname you like for your kids, why stick with patriarchy?

This is an issue I do get a bit ranty about!
I wasn't married when I had DD but DP and I agreed she would have his surname. The biggest reason being she has 2 siblings from DP's previous marriage and we agreed it would be better and more cohesive for the kids to share the same surname.
It was the right thing to do but it pained me!
We're married now but I still haven't changed my name but DD would like me to so we all have the same name.

My DS was given my partners name which is an interesting one. If it had been boring or ridiculous I probably would not have done. I thought of it as a nice gesture to him. I love my surname too though and if we'd gone on to have a girl she would have had mine.

When I first read your post I was tempted to say give your DC a completely different surname. Whatever you do, if it means a lot to you don't give them his.

Personally not keen on the double barrelling....

@LittleLebowski 😂. Mine would have been Solo. I'm still looking.

Deeply regret , my husband"s. My surname is much nicer. It is not uncommon but its particular spelling ties it to somewhere and limits the numbers. Husband's name isn't Smith but it might as well be.Also a pity as son's first name, whilst not being outré, hasn't been in the top 100 names for decades.

I was not married. I registered both births and gave my dc my name. I never saw any reason to do otherwise.

I put their dads surname as a third name, but not a surname.

I would not have changed my name if I did marry - never had plans to marry anyway.

What your P has done sounds v U OP.

DC have my DH name, as do I, because it's not really my name, it's my Fs and I don't like him.

Double-barrel Junior Hisname-Myname.