Childrens' surname - What did you do?

[Laurel543]

I have a 2 week old with my partner of 20 years and we are struggling to agree what surname to give the child.

We had planned to get married this year but I unexpectedly (and happily) became pregnant instead. When talking about the marriage, we said we wanted to share the same name and had very loosely agreed that we would both change our names (probably to a name we both liked from one of our family trees). I thought that this neatly sidestepped the problem of choosing one of our surnames and was very happy with the plan. We had talked a little about choosing a name before the baby is born and I have been researching potential names.

Since the birth of our child, my lovely partner, who has never shown any patriarchal tendencies, has decided that he’s not in fact prepared to change his name and is also insisting that the child has his surname. Ideally stand alone but he will consider double barrelling if absolutely necessary.

I am obviously surprised and disappointed!
He has a few reasons for his stand, the main one being that “this is what everyone does” (to be fair, all of our friends and family have given their DC the fathers name, married or not).
I feel pretty deflated about the whole thing. FtI am perfectly happy to change my own surname and feel strongly that I also want to share my child’s surname but I am equally unwilling to change my name to his.
Our names are both pretty clunky and do not double barrel well. There is also no easy way of amalgamating them.

We have reached stalemate

We went with my DPs surname. He let me choose. He has a nicer surname, and I didn't want my kids to be linked automatically to me because of my work.

My friend and her husband gave his surname as a second middle name. Her surname is their surname. He finds his surname annoying.

A few people have commented on this thread about the order of the two names - is there a 'usual' way to do this? I didn't realise if so! Ours will be Hisname-Myname because that sounds a lot better than the other way round.

If you plan to get married, then surely the default is mother's surname now and reregister on marriage with the name you choose then?

This is by far the simplest route which is legally catered for.

One of the worst mistakes I’ve made was giving my daughter my now ex’s surname. Please include your name in your child’s name.

I got married in my late 40's. DS and I took my DH's surname as I rather like it and my surname meant 'shit' in another language so I was keen to change anyway and had been considering changing it before I met DH. If you're not keen on DH's surname, find another one that you both like. Don't let him push you into using his surname if you don't like it that much though. Make up your own name.

We are not married and have given our children a new surname, which is a combination of our names, not double barrel, all one word "hisnamemyname". We are lucky in that we both have single syllable names so together they make a nice two syllable word. DP and I have considered both changing our names to the new name but can't be arsed (we both like idea of it but are lazy). We often refer to the family collectively as the "hisnamemynames". Downside is that everyone, even close family, seems incapable of understanding what we have done, and often we get addressed as hisname-myname for example. We would have done exactly the same if we were married, and our lack of marriage is in large part a political, feminist decision.

I did change my name on marriage

But if i wasn't married there would be no way i would give the children his surname

If i hadn't changed my name on marriage I would double barrel at the least

(We intended changing both our names on marriage but then FIL completely threw his toys out of the pram)

Husband's name. Not a fan of long hyphenated names. Do these names then get longer when 2 hyphens have a child? You have years of writing typing and signing your name ahead.

I've kept my name.

We're not married, and have no intention of getting married. Our kids have my dp's name. Neither of us felt particularly strong either way, so I suggested they have his as I thought people would automatically assume they were mine whatever name they had, but might be more likely to question whether they were his.

I've never had any problems having a different name from them - it seems very common. In your situation, though, I think I'd be hurt and cross that he'd changed his mind. Has he explained why?

you gave birth, you're not married, your decision.
you want to have a different name to your child? go with yours if he changed his mind!

Do these names then get longer when 2 hyphens have a child?

I'm sort of aiming to raise a child that isn't so completely feckless that they're incapable of making a decision about their own child's name. Perhaps a lofty goal...

Interesting... we couldn't agree on this, things became rather acrimonious and so in the end we tossed a coin. It didn't go my way and I've felt bitter about it ever since! Partner also refused to double barrel which I really wish we had. It frustrates me when people say it's just a name. How come, in 2018, if it's 'just a name', it's hardly ever the mothers name that's chosen. It's a lifelong decision op so make sure you're happy with the outcome.

My son has both surnames, no hyphen, so he can drop one if it makes life easier. (I also have two surnames, no hyphen, and I drop one occasionally.) It’s clunky but it’s the only fair way.

I thought about giving him my surname as a middle name, but middle names aren’t really used, and I think doing that just reinforces the idea that the mother’s surname is inferior to the father’s surname.

If you and your partner can’t agree at all, and he is absolutely insisting on the baby just having his surname, it might be worth reminding him that as an unmarried couple, you are the only one who can register the birth. If he wants to be on the birth certificate he has to be present. But he can’t register it without you. I would say it’s both surnames or just yours.

You’ve just grown and birthed his baby. I can’t believe men still pull this shit tbh.

DH and I had the argument when I was pregnant (he wanted to give just his surname, surprise surprise) but I made it very clear that it was non negotiable and he had to accept it.

I'm more traditional than DH and insisted that we all have the same name. He would have been more relaxed about it.
Because I associated my last name with my father, who I didn't get on with (to say the least), I was happy to lose it, so we all have DH's last name.

It’s very depressing to read all these replies, I expect it in AIBU or Chat or whatever, but even in Feminism Chat it’s the same old story

On a feminist note - surely it's about having the choice?

For the OP, I would be mighty pissed off that he'd gone back on your agreed path and wanted it all his own way. However, given you are having this child together I'd be trying to reach a compromise, as with everything else in a relationship. A compromise though, not just him getting to decide.

I don't have any children yet, but will be getting married shortly. We are choosing a whole new name, possibly from one of our family trees, but possibly just something we like. MUCH consternation from some family members. Why it matters to them what either of our names is is beyond me

We are married. Our children have both our surnames (not hyphenated). So for example: Julie Smith Rock. We both agreed that this was the only way to go really.

We weren't married when DS was born, I gave him my surname. When we married the following year I took DH's name but left DS with my name, and said when he's old enough to choose he can change it if he wants. He's now 18 and likes his name, and doesn't want to change it. He is also the last male in the family with the name.

DSS has double barrelled with his new wife, as she was attached to her name and has been successful professionally with that name. DSS offered to change his name to hers alone but they both like the sound of the double barrelled name.

“On a feminist note - surely it's about having the choice?”

Ah now we’re getting into the “choice” debate. I believe that no choice is truly free and neutral in our patriarchal society. We are all influenced, consciously or unconsciously, by the norms and choices of those around us. Choices have different consequences based on whether they are conformist or not - for us individually and for society more widely.

From what I’ve read on here that apparently makes me a rad fem rather than a lib fem...

And for the record, I don’t think that all choices are feminist choices, just because they’re made by a woman who calls herself a feminist.

I’m a feminist. Some of my choices are feminist and some of them aren’t.

I'm not married and both DC have my surname only, I would not have a different name to my children. We'll probably get married next year but I won't be changing my name. DP says he will change his as he would like us all to share a family name.

Not married, have my own name, kids have my name.
DP is welcome to change his name to ours if he wants but he hasn't - it has never caused a problem.

If I were you I would give the baby your surname. Maybe give your partner's surname as a middle name?

Or just pick a new name for you and the baby and let your partner decide if he wants the same name as you two.

“On a feminist note - surely it's about having the choice?”

Ah now we’re getting into the “choice” debate. I believe that no choice is truly free and neutral in our patriarchal society. We are all influenced, consciously or unconsciously, by the norms and choices of those around us. Choices have different consequences based on whether they are conformist or not - for us individually and for society more widely.

From what I’ve read on here that apparently makes me a rad fem rather than a lib fem...

That's very much a fair point of view to have and thank you for raising it with me, I think you are right.

Wolf
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