Childrens' surname - What did you do?

[Laurel543]

I have a 2 week old with my partner of 20 years and we are struggling to agree what surname to give the child.

We had planned to get married this year but I unexpectedly (and happily) became pregnant instead. When talking about the marriage, we said we wanted to share the same name and had very loosely agreed that we would both change our names (probably to a name we both liked from one of our family trees). I thought that this neatly sidestepped the problem of choosing one of our surnames and was very happy with the plan. We had talked a little about choosing a name before the baby is born and I have been researching potential names.

Since the birth of our child, my lovely partner, who has never shown any patriarchal tendencies, has decided that he’s not in fact prepared to change his name and is also insisting that the child has his surname. Ideally stand alone but he will consider double barrelling if absolutely necessary.

I am obviously surprised and disappointed!
He has a few reasons for his stand, the main one being that “this is what everyone does” (to be fair, all of our friends and family have given their DC the fathers name, married or not).
I feel pretty deflated about the whole thing. FtI am perfectly happy to change my own surname and feel strongly that I also want to share my child’s surname but I am equally unwilling to change my name to his.
Our names are both pretty clunky and do not double barrel well. There is also no easy way of amalgamating them.

We have reached stalemate

FtI am perfectly happy to change my own surname and feel strongly that I also want to share my child’s surname but I am equally unwilling to change my name to his.

This was us!

DH didn't want to change his name full stop, which I didn't think was unreasonable really (it's not really done, by men or women, in the country where we live). He also really didn't want to change his surname to mine because I have a very English surname, he's not English and we don't live in England or indeed an English-speaking country.

At a certain point he said to me, look, you feel much more strongly about having the same name as the kids than I do, let's give them your surname.

I said great, if you're really sure and you're happy with that. And he was/is.

I certainly didn't "insist" and nor would I have put up with him "insisting", any more than either of us insisted on first names. It's something you decide together.

Personally I think he needs to reconsider. You've said, I think, that you're perfectly happy to change your name to anything at all except for his surname (this is what I said - I'm just not that traditional). And he's saying he doesn't want to change his name to anything and it has to be his way or the highway. That's hardly flexible.

As for "it's what everybody else does", he'd better get over that quick smart because the child is going to be using that on him in a couple of years and I'll doubt he'll think it's a good argument then

XH and I double barrelled when we married and the DCs got the same name. When we divorced XH went back to his name, I kept my DB and the DCs have chosen to use whichever part of it they prefer.

In your situation, having discussed names/marriage etc beforehand and agreed on a plan, I certainly wouldn’t be capitulating to his new plan to use his own surname instead.

Tell him you will either give the baby your surname and sort it all out when you marry, or he can help you choose the new name, register the baby with it and you can both change now or when you marry.

FWIW I know lots of women who gave their DCs the man’s name with the promise of marriage (& taking the name themselves) hanging over them, which never happened. They are now single with a different name to their DCs. I wouldn’t want it, but I know it’s ok for some.

The main thing is that the child’s first name and sit name sounds good together and you’re happy with it. What you and your DP do about your own names is secondary at the moment and can be sorted when/if you marry.

Oh also: He has a few reasons for his stand, the main one being that “this is what everyone does”

That's shorthand for "but we live in a patriarchy!".

I am married but kept my name. DD1 has DH surname, because convention and I hadn't discovered mumsnet at that point. DD2 has my surname as second middle name (so still convention but with small concession...). I rationalise it to myself that DH surname is foreign and a nod to ethnic heritage.

A friend (unmarried) just had a baby and gave it her (double barreled) surname (with partner's name as second middle name). She just did it with no fuss and it really opened my eyes to my blind acceptance of 'tradition'. Wish I'd given it more thought and done the same.

I've worked abroad with people from all over the world and people have all sorts of names, you really can do whatever you like wrt double barrelling /multiple middle names etc

If I were in your position I would give the child my name or double barrel.

I was unmarried when we had our first unplanned child. My partner had proposed and I imagined we would marry in the next year or 2 (and that I would change my surname to his) so we gave our baby my partner's surname only. I briefly considered double barrelling but didn't really like the sound of our 2 names together and my partner said it sounded awful. (Now I don't think it's bad at all!)
We had 2 more children also with his surname. Marriage was put off by him. I was so busy being a young mum of 3 and the stress of wedding planning was not appealing so I didn't push it.
Fast forward to now -
He is now my EX for being an awful
Cockhead Unfaithful Nasty Testicleface
I so regret my kids having his surname and hate having a different name to my kids. I would never have thought all those years ago that I would be in this position but I wish I had considered then a future where we might not be together.

Single. DD got my name and DS father's - one has since changed to another family name they like better.

I know a couple of women who gave their kids the father's surname where it was transparently an attempt to remind him of a paternity he really wanted to weasel out of. This put me off this!

As my husband's name is an assumed name (long story) and I have always loved my own surname, the first two kids got my surname. When we got married we asked DC1 what name the kids should have and that's why the kids have both our surnames and DH and me continue to use our own surnames.

Probably not the answer your looking for, but I know a lot of people who did not choose the dad's name for the kids.

I do remember though that motherhood changed me in so many unexpected ways and the same may be true for your DP. Suddenly things may matter that seemed entirely irrelevant before. Such as his child sharing his surname.

It is very easy to change a child's name btw, so despite a different name on their birth certificates our older DCs have their new surname on passports, school, GP, bank accounts etc.

P.S. If you're not married, the father has no right to insist that his surname is used and he will only get automatic parental rights if his details are on the birth certificate (they can be added later). He cannot register the baby without you.

If you still haven't found a solution after the 42 day registration deadline has passed (21 in Scotland), you still have to register the birth but you can leave off the surname and add it within a year from birth (see here

Sorry, I must correct the bit about how easy it is to change the child's name - just checked and that seems to be true only if the child does not have the father's surname (I don't know why).

Oh and we didn't double barrel. The kids simply have my surname + DH's surname as two words to allow them to abbreviate my name if they wish (it's hard to spell).

Sorry, I must correct the bit about how easy it is to change the child's name - just checked and that seems to be true only if the child does not have the father's surname (I don't know why).

But I think we can all guess! mirthless laugh

I'm married, but kept my name, and our kids have it because it's Welsh and nicer than DH's.

Not helpful.... sorry!

TenuedeNimes feeling proper foolish now . In my defense, I haven't had coffee yet...

I didn't change my name when I married but when after years of infertility / miscarriage we finally had a baby DH was very insistent that DC1 had his name. Honestly it took me a bit by surprise. I didn't really want to discuss names during the pregnancy as so worried something would go wrong. He got very upset in the hospital that the baby was called my name and there was no indication he was the dad. I now regret not double barrelling or having my surname as a middle name. It would have made their full names unwieldy but you can always just not use all middle names.

I wanted my name to be the same as theirs so ended up changing mine by deed poll. It does send a message of inequality I think Dc1 has commented on this already. I think you're doing the right thing by trying to reach some sort of compromise that everyone can live with.

The Spanish way of using both surnames would seem to be the best but, with my British background and the resulting hyper-awareness around class issues, adopting double-barrelled names always seems like social climbing to me, so I'd never do it, and would be unlikely to double-barrel my child (which I've yet to have so it's all theoretical at the mo).

I have a pretty rare last name which I'd like to keep going but, should my partner disagree, then I'd compromise by having boys called after me, girls after her. If that wasn't compromise enough then I'd agree to a coin toss as I can't think of a fairer way to decide it (though this can also pose problems - an earlier posted pointed out she lost the toss and resented it for years).

Still, as yet I'm not in this position (perhaps for the best) and can instead focus on welcoming my first nephew into the world (born two days ago in all his 10lbs 3oz glory).

DS has both our names. But DH changed his name to include mine, and I took his. The only traditional aspect is that his name is last in the double barrell! So we all have the same surname.

It was DH's idea. I love that he took my name.

We are not married and they both have my surname. We are not planning on marrying either; if we did I would keep my name and so would the children.

I was adamant they would have my name, but was happy to double barrel or use his name as a middle name - DP didn't fancy either of those options so we went with mine. His name is also a first male name in its own right so he thought it sounded weird (we have DDs).

It's remarkable how many 'feminist' men I know who have become sticklers for tradition all of a sudden.In your situation I would use yours and if you all change your name later do it all at once.

We were also dull and though we are married, I have not changed my (dad's) name, I use it at work. But I don't actually like it (it's not Shufflebottom or Pratt but not far off, and was a hard burden for my DB to carry in secondary school).
DH has a very very common last name (Jones/Smith/Brown type common. There are 10 MPs with this last name, for example).
Our DS came first and we gave him my last name as his second middle name and some people address him as AB Shufflebottom Jones (as if it was a Spanish style two name surname) and some as AB Shufflebottom-Jones (as if it was double barrelled) whereas in fact he is ABS Jones.
Then along came DD and I mentioned calling her Firstname Middlename Jones Shufflebottom and DH said he thought it would be too confusing, and I am slightly annoyed with myself that I didn't stick to it.

DD being a girl a) wouldn't have the problem of DS with the name and b) it would make sense for a boy to have DH name and a girl my name.

Anyway I am XY Shufflebottom, DH is Z Jones, DS is ABS Jones and DD is CDS Jones.

PS my DS first name is an old family name in my family and my DB has that name but has two DDs. So DS is now Aname Shufflebottom (Jones) where all the other boys in the family are Aname Shufflebottom.
But if he wants to, he can name a son of his Aname Shufflebottom with or without the Jones.
I also have two male Shufflebottom cousins who do not yet have DCs but one of them has medical needs meaning he may well not have DCs at all.
So it's down to my cousin and my DS to keep the Aname Shufflebottom tradition going.

with my British background and the resulting hyper-awareness around class issues, adopting double-barrelled names always seems like social climbing to me

Well, to be fair yours is a particularly challenging situation, as you appear to be both British and living in 1922.

Not married and DC has DP's surname. We didn't have a discussion about it - I have no objection (it does sound better but that wasn't a factor in decision) but won't change my own name if we do marry.

I don't like double-barrelled names but do like the idea of combining both surnames into a single new surname for everyone (but it doesn't work well for all combinations, ours included).

I'm married and kept my surname. In DH's tradition only the boys get the family surname, not the girls. Even though we had a DS first we had to make a surname decision because we didn't want the DC to have different surnames if we went on to have a DD (which we did). DH's brother also married someone from a different tradition to his, and they had DC before we did and used DH and DBil's father's first name as a surname for their DC. So we did the same thing. We always have to carry adoption certs when we travel because of all the different surnames, but otherwise it doesn't cause any issues. DH is commonly known by his first name, father's first name anyway, not many people know his surname.

The entire Spanish speaking world manages with double barrelled names, why does the 'what will happen when they get married, 4 names?!?!?' crop up everything this is discussed? In Spain everyone's keeps their names and the kids get one name from each parent (the grandfather's - still patriarchy obvs). Or of course the people getting married could do whatever the hell they like. I am so tired of people thinking they are clever trotting out this 'problem'.

On the subject of order of names. We put dp's first as it's near the start of the alphabet and mine is near the end, so DD won't have to be last for everything like I was!

Once married, it's a different question I think, but unmarried I would 100% give any dc my surname.

Married, DC have DH's surname. I kept mine. DH had no strong preference and we both wanted to use an existing name. Since I was doing the bulk of childcare I wanted it to be obvious that DH was their father at nursery, clubs, doctor etc.

I didn't anticipate that people would just start calling me by DHs surname as a result. Also that I would sometimes feel sad that we don't all have the same name. In retrospect I wish that either DH or I had changed our surname.

Congratulations on the baby OP.

I don't think double barrelling has that off-putting social climbing connotation anymore. I know a quite a few families who double barrelled either because the parents aren't married, or the family is mixed heritage and wanted to reflect that in the name - eg. Fernandez-Brown or Murphy-Patel.